We Found Love A Blichael Story
by PBBrotherLover
Summary: AU Blake thought he knew who he was. Everything seemed so easy, school, football, friends. That is until his best friend Michael completely screws everything up and now Blake has to figure out how to deal with his new situation.
1. Chapter 1

Title: We Found Love

Chapter: One

Pairings: Blake and Michael (Blichael)

A/N: So out of impulse I sort of wrote a Blichael story and I decided instead of letting it rot inside my computer i would share it with the world. If you don't like don't read but just know that this is my first fanfic ever so please please don't be too mean. Enjoy I guess (If anyone actually reads this)

His breath. In and out in huffs. No doubt just as winded as me. I collapse onto my ass but he leans against a brick wall for support. We share a look and suddenly crack up for no reason. He tries to stand but eventually he sits, that's how tired we are.

"Finally the mighty Michael falls off his throne." I mock in gasps. I can barely catch my own breath. He coughs in answer and haunches over. Suddenly I'm concerned, maybe he over exerted himself or something. Our stupid competitions with each other could have hurt him maybe.

"Hey you okay?" I ask and crawl over from my side of the wall. As I get closer I hear wheezing or something and a flash of fear shoots through me. Should I call nine one-one or something? Not yet. I lay and hand on his back to try to see how he feels. Apparently I'm an idiot.

The second I touch him he grabs my hand and pulls me on my face and leaps onto me. Great now I have to kick his ass.

"What's the matter Blake? A little weak are yah?" Michael mocks me and I feel my blood boil and my face burn as he pulls my leg making me wince. I twist as hard as I can and manage to shake him off my back. I try to turn myself but Michael has gotten a lot quicker.

As soon as I manage to flip onto my back he's on top of me again. His legs pin mine down, his arms hold mine above my head. Michael is shorter than me by a few inches so he has to stretch to be able to reach that far, it leaves us in an oddly compromising position with his face only about an inch from mine.

I struggle but he has a good hold on me. He must have learned a thing or two from me. He makes a cocky face at me as I struggle to try to free myself. When I finally give in because it's obvious he's built up some muscle and I can't move him like this we're left in a silence as he enjoys his moment on top. His hot steamy breath keeps hitting me in the face just making me want to kick his ass all the more.

"What Blake? No escape move? Finally want to admit who the king is?" Michael teases me. I struggle again, if I can manage to shake him I can take him down. But right now I really wish I hadn't helped Michael work on his arms so much. Now they are almost as big as mine and he is just able to hold me down with a combination of muscle and fatigue from our run.

"Alright Mr. Tough guy," I concede. "Now that you have me like this, what are you going to do about it?" I challenge him. What would he do? Something seemed to cross Michael's face. His face suddenly drained of emotion and seemed oddly serious. "What?" I start to ask but am cut off with Michael's lips closing the tiny gap to mine.

_WTF!_ Is the only thought going through my mind. My eyes stay open and stare at Michael as he holds his lips to mine. I try to understand his expression. He's still strangely blank faced like he doesn't want to feel._Maybe he's playing with me. I'm not gonna back out first._ Now I get it. It must be some fucked up challenge.

So I let my lips relax and opened my mouth daring Michael's tongue to enter my mouth. I cracked open my eyes to peek at Michael's expression. He finally opens his eyes and is staring right into mine. I've never seen Michael's expression like this before. He looks…scared and nervous I guess. I must look something like that too. I can't speak for Michael, but this is definitely the first time I kissed a guy.

His eyes snap shut tight and suddenly I feel Michael's wet tongue enter my mouth. The foreign invader feels weird. I've kissed girls before but their tongues were…different. Maybe it's because I'm kissing a guy and I'm over thinking it but somehow I think his tongue is bigger than a girls. And stronger, maybe he worked that muscle out too.

His tongue slides into my gums making something ignite in my gut. I'm not sure what to describe it. Not butterflies like when I kiss a girl but something else. Like heat or something in my gut. As his tongue moves more and more through my mouth my tongue starts moving on its own sliding against his tongue.

As our tongues collided my mind started to feel numb. My mouth as well like all the blood drained from my face and I just connected our mouths. I felt a weakened grip against my wrists and my ankles but I didn't really register what that even meant. I didn't register as I felt Michael fall off his elbows and onto my body and the weirdest thing was…I liked it. I wanted to pull Michael closer. Even though we seemed to be touching everywhere I wanted to wrap my arms around him and pull him closer and tighter against me. I wanted to wrap my legs around his.

I felt his hips buckle against mine and I heard something. A moan I think escapes my lips but my mind is so numb I'm not really sure what is going on other than a heat in my belly needing to be extinguished. Michael buckled his hips against mine again and I felt a pressure suddenly. Blake Jr. wanted some attention…

_Holy Shit! _Suddenly my mind seemed to snap out of the dream it was in while I was…kissing Michael. I want…wanted Michael to pleasure my…personal parts. A part of me still wants him to reach inside my pants and wrap one of those slender fingers around my…

_Holy Shit! _ My mind freaks out again. I snap open my eyes and see Michael's expression as he _kisses me_. He looks…pleasured. His eyes seem to be smiling and his lips touching mine made me want to smile some. _Stop it! _I scream at myself.

Instinctively I pull my head back and crack it against the pavement. Pain rushes around my head and the edges of my vision go blurry. The last thing I really register is Michael's worried face staring down at mine. His face full of concern but also a bit hurt. Hurt that I pulled away? And seeing that made me feel…hurt myself. Then I pass out.

"Is he alright?" I think its Michael's voice.

"He'll be fine. Thank you for bringing him home." I think my dad says. Were they talking about me? I try to open my eyes but my eyelids don't respond.

"Oh my poor baby. What did you say happened Michael?" My mom asks in a frantic tone. I hear a slight hesitation from Michael before he responds.

"Oh he just tripped while we were running and cracked his head on the ground." Michael answers but I hear it in his voice. A tiny bit of high pitched at the end that makes me know he's lying. My parents don't catch it but I've been around Michael long enough to know his tell.

"Well it's good you were there with him." My mother says and I think she hugs him. After that I sort of slip out of consciousness again.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So chapter. I feel like I'm talking to myself, and I'm just that loser that puts stuff out there that never gets read. On that depressing note enjoy. (Sorry if it's short)

The next time I come back around the first thing I register is how dry my mouth is. How long have I been out? I hear a beeping in the background like a heart monitor. I open my eyes and am immediately assaulted by the bright fluorescent lights. I squint as I try to look around.

I'm in a small room. The walls are white and there are some windows on the wall looking into a hospital hallway. From what I can see I'm definitely in a hospital.

I try to prop myself up and look around but the instant I do my head snaps full of pain. I wince hard at the onslaught of pain and slowly lie back down. I feel a pressure around my head and touch it too feel bandages wrapped tightly around my head. How bad am I hurt?

I check around my room and grab cup full of water on my bedside table. I chug it down. Now that I'm a less thirsty I gently try to sit up again. I manage to sit up with a few tries and get a better sense of my room. The first time around I didn't notice Michael past my bedside table sleeping in a chair using a jacket as a blanket.

Memories of Michael and me on the ground suddenly resurface and I remember how I got here. I'm not sure what to think, now that I think about it…It's weird to think about. I don't want to think about it.

Instead of confronting Michael about it I lie back down and let him sleep. At the same time I pray that maybe all of that was a dream. Who knows maybe it was and I just got hurt some other way. If only it could be like that.

I try to think of what I should say to Michael. Maybe try to laugh it off? I bet he'd do the same to. Or maybe just ask him what it meant. But whatever the reason I need to decide what the whole thing in my pants was about. How in the world did my penis want Michael to go down on it? _Stop thinking about it! _But the thought has already gotten through and an image of Michael's long slender fingers poking around in my pants makes the blood start to flow down to my crotch.

I cover the growing bulge with my hands but in this nightgown thing they have me wearing it's all too clear. _Who put in on? _I wonder. Probably a lucky nurse. I don't mean to be a cocky jerk but I'm not so hard on the eyes. At least that's what most people tell me anyway. That doesn't make me a tool does it? I mean I have to thank my parents for it. They gave me good genes.

People say I look like my dad. Same chestnut colored hair, same big brown eyes with a spec of hazel at the iris. Even our features are similar, nice bone structure and a perfect smile even without braces. Yeah I guess I'm sort of genetically gifted to look nice, but that's just the truth. I'm not gonna say being beautiful is a burden but it's definitely not a cakewalk either.

I peek over at Michael. He's not too hard to look at either. Nice chocolate colored hair, warm brown eyes and a nice smile too. He's a little shorter than me though and a little bit darker, he spends more time in the sun than me. Although if we're comparing something we should compare muscles because I'm pretty sure I blow him outta the water.

Michael snores a little and turns slightly in his chair. He's kind of cute when he does that…_Stop it! _I mentally scream at myself again. Why does my mind keep going there? It's over right? Over so there is no reason to talk about it again.

Unless Michael wants too. _Shit. _What the hell would he say? What the hell do you make of that anyway? An accident? Maybe he slipped and his lips hit mine and I just freaked out and hit my head. Yeah that seems possible. Maybe my mind just saw it as longer because I was so freaked out by the kiss.

Frustrated I run a hand through my hair and must hit a button next my head. I peek up and see it's a nurse's button. _Crap. _Now Michael will definitely wake up.

I take the next thirty seconds to think of what to say to Michael. Straight up apologize, Ask why he did it? In the end I choose to wait for him to bring it up. I'm sure he'll have to as soon as we're alone.

When the nurse arrives Michael is woken and seems to almost silently sulk out of the room just barely hanging by the door. A few seconds later my parents arrive, they were eating lunch I think. The thing I notice is Michael staring at the floor at the edge of the room as everyone else barrages me with questions like if I'm in pain and such.

When I finally convince them I'm not brain damaged they seem to calm down and I see Michael at the doorway now. He's still staring at the floor but for a second he glances up at me with a weird glance. I can't understand what he's feeling by it and I don't get a chance to examine it because now that he sees I'm okay he takes this chance to slip out of the room unnoticed by everyone.

Everyone except me.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Whoop, so many chapters in one day. Told you I would update this regularly. This chapter is a lot longer to make up for the others being kind of short. Just remember read at your own risk, and if you don't like it then don't read it. There is some angst for a while between Blake and Michael, I just don't think they'd jump right into a relationship without some questioning on both parts. I say it makes it more realistic, but if you wanna say it drags it out then hey maybe you're right. I've been taking way too long, either way enjoy.

P.S. Hit that like so I know if anyone is reading this.

"I look like some weird rag doll." I complain. Shanna smoothens out my hair in an attempt to make me look more normal. It doesn't help, much.

"Well with all these bandages it's no wonder. More like a mummy than a zombie." Shanna says with a bright smile. We both laugh at her joke. It feels good to hang out with Shanna, she's just so positive I knew she would make me feel better. And it was also because Michael has been dodging my calls for the past week. If I were paranoid I'd say he was avoiding me.

"Tell me the truth though. Do I look completely stupid?" I ask with a weak grin. Shanna still manages to give me a big smile. With her bright blond hair she looks like the sun, all bright and glowing. I could definitely use some of that right about now.

"Not at all, In fact you look more handsome. You should get banged up like that more often." Shanna joked. I grinned at the attempt but still I didn't feel good. I felt weird. I had been for this whole week.

In the very beginning it was because of the whole Michael situation. Then it turned to the fact that the doctor wrapped my head up like some sort of mummy because of some slight injuries. I'd be a human mummy for a few weeks. Great, just what I need out of life.

"Now," Shanna began and jumped off my bed. "How about we get out of this depressing room." She said with grimace looking around my room.

"I can't clean. I'm head injured." I explained. Shanna made a face at my excuse and the two of us laughed a little. In the end though she got me to go outside even in my…condition. She drove though so I have no idea where we're going.

Cruising along in Shanna's yellow bug is a little embarrassing. The car is totally Shanna and I love Shanna but her car is kind of an eyesore. She just got it though, saved up enough money from tips at Starbucks. I promised to help her fix it up a little. Michael did too, wonder how that's going to work out.

The car stops abruptly at a red light and I'm nearly thrown out of my seat belt. Don't let them tell you any different seatbelts save lives. "Shit Shanna. Are you trying to kill us?" I ask rubbing my neck where the seatbelt held me back.

She scoffs, "Language. Jesus." Shanna scolds me. I roll my eyes at her morals. I highly doubt cursing will make me go to hell.

"Where are we going anyway?" I ask checking around outside the dirty old windows. The car is a true testament to scrap heaps everywhere.

"It's a bit of a surprise." Shanna says with a smile. She is horrible at keeping secrets. I can see the hidden meaning in her face. She's hiding something.

I check again out of the windows and I think I see the beach on one side and a boardwalk on the other. Wait boardwalk? I check again and confirm my suspicions. Memories arise from years ago, coming here with Michael and Shanna Nellie when we were so little. Wow weird to think about now.

"Wait are we going to…" I start but am cut off by her stopping suddenly and slamming me against the seatbelt again.

"Alright we're here!" Shanna says enthusiastically. She jumps out of the car. I reluctantly follow her rubbing my already bruised shoulder. As soon as I step out of the car though my suspicions are confirmed.

"Shanna!" I cry defiantly, but she whirls around and pulls me toward the entrance. I pull slightly but I'm pretty weak against Shanna's enthusiasm.

"Come on we loved this place!" Shanna squealed gleefully. I just groaned as I entered The Reef.

The Reef being the arcade/ restaurant my friends and I first came to when we were only about eight or so. It was full of fun memories, my becoming friends with most of them, all that pizza and videogames over the past summers, and then the bad memory.

The memory of the bet between me Michael, and Abraham to see who could eat a whole pizza and chug three cherry slushy's the fastest could win. Right at the start I was in the lead. Back then Michael was pretty scrawny and not the best at chugging down that much food. Abraham on the other hand was going in fast but still I was in the lead. I was on to the slushy's before anyone else. When I was done with one though Michael came beside me and started chugging down slushies' faster than me. So I chugged as fast as I could nearly choking to death and getting such a bad brain freeze in the process but I was victorious.

That is until my stomach started to act up from how fast I ate all that food. I blew chunks all over Ralph, the owner in a tidal wave of vomit. Everyone was just sort of staring for a while but Michael grabbed my hand and pulled us out of the Reef before I could get yelled at. All the others ran out a little after us with a covered Ralph screaming his head off. Ah memories.

"Shanna you know what happened here." I pleaded and tugged on her grip. In a better state I could easily throw Shanna over my shoulder and carry her back to her car. But in my current state I'm not supposed to rough house. In risk of hurting my head or something.

Because of this stupid injury Shanna was able to pull me into the Reef. Can't say it seems any different from my memory except now everything is somewhat smaller. The perk of growing over 6'0 feet tall. All the arcade machines are still here. They seem to have redecorated the dining area and make it look like some sort of Italian restaurant. I see the slushy machines though in the corner and my stomach does a little flip remembering all that vomit.

"Why are we here anyway?" I ask Shanna as she pulls me in further. In the next second though there is unison "Surprise!" from a bunch of kids my age jumping from various places. My face must have been priceless to see this.

"What?" I ask Shanna who pulls me down for a hug and a couple other people come over and hug me too.

"We needed to get you out of the house. And figured this was the last place you'd expect us to go." Shanna answered, "Are you mad?" she asked with a frown.

In truth I am a little mad about coming back here and all the people jumping out at me and scaring me. But they must have taken some thought to all come out here like this. I haven't seen some of these people since I was her last like seven years ago.

"No it's nice." I answer and lean down to kiss the top of Shanna's head, "Thanks guys." I say. I take a look at everyone here. The only people I really stayed in touch with are Shanna, Nellie, Ailyn, Abraham and well Michael too. I guess I was too embarrassed to see anyone else I used to hang out with. But strangely just about everyone is here.

People I barely remember are here too. Maxfield who I think moved soon after the whole Reef incident is here somehow. A girl in a wheelchair, Ali is here. I remember I used to hang out with her when we were little. I remember hearing she got injured but by then we sort of drifted apart. And then a bigger girl who I recall as Lily, I remember she used to have a crush on me back then. Who knows now?

"Hey!" A more familiar friend comes from behind and hugs me. Ailyn, she's one of my friends I did stay close to. We weren't the closest but we both did the Drama club in school, yes I did the drama club. Why? Because it's cool.

"Hey," I answered back in a hug. I hadn't seen Ailyn in a while though and she looked somewhat different. Including her dress style. Sporting a leather jacket and a floral dress along with some black boots she looks surprisingly hot.

"Where have you been for the past week?" Ailyn asks after our hug breaks. I sort of address everyone with my answer.

"Well you know I'm brain damaged." I answer.

"Well that's not news." Ailyn jokes. I playfully laugh but end up laughing for real as Ailyn laughs. Ailyn is just infectious like that not even just with laughing but anything she does. "Don't worry, even with a few bandages you still look hot," Ailyn compliments me with a little dirty smile.

We sort of do that. We have this sort of flirtatious relationship even though she has a boyfriend. One person I haven't met. A new guy named Charlie. I think I see him standing a little towards the back eyeing me and Ailyn. He looks nice enough. His black wavy hair and nice smile made him look sort of cute like a puppy dog although right now he was sort of eyeing me with contempt. I guess he's the jealous type.

Lily comes up next along with Ali in her wheel chair. "Hey look at you!" I greet Lily and pull her into a hug. I think she blushes some. Definitely still a crush there.

"Look at you!" Lily says looking me up and down with a big smile on her face.

"Yeah I've been working out a little," I say with a smile. Lily squeezes one of my arms playfully.

"Jeeze they're like pythons" Lily compliments. I think I blush slightly and hug Lily once more before greeting Ali. I crouch down to give her a hug.

"Hey, haven't seen you in a while." I say as I hug her.

"Well I haven't seen you either. How long has it been?" Ali asks.

"I don't know like what five six years?" I ask with a grin. It's nice to see Ali but at the same time I feel sort of guilty. I wasn't there for her when she had her accident. It makes me feel a little sick inside, though I don't see it as a good time to bring it up right now and Ali doesn't seem to want to bring it up.

"Something like that. It's good to see you." Ali says and wheels herself off toward the dining area, toward Charlie, Abraham and…Michael._Shit. _I mean I want to see Michael, I miss him. He's my best friend. But at the same time the thought of possibly talking about what happened is…a little bit unsavory.

I try to act nonchalant about seeing Michael. I talk to Shanna, Ailyn and Lily about…well I have no idea what we really talked about. For the entire conversation I nodded and put in a small one word answer where appropriate but really I was watching Michael.

Abraham at some point came over and challenged me to a game of star shooter. Even that I completely failed at because for about the whole game I peeked over my shoulder at Michael who was chugging down drinks looking glum about something. Is it me?

"Come on dude. Don't tell me in a week you completely lost all ability to play video games." Abraham complains. I realize I've died again. My score compared to Abraham's…let's just go with bad.

"Sorry," I apologize and try to focus on the game. Abraham pokes his head and looks at the dining area where I was looking a second ago.

"Who do you keep staring at stalker?" He asks.

"No one," I brush him off and this time I do better at the game but somehow I can't concentrate enough to beat him.

"Oh what's that?" Abraham asks in a phony announcer's voice. "It looks like the king has finally fallen. Make way for the mighty Abraham! Ahh ahh!"

"Shut up dude." I push him with a laugh.

"Hey," Michael says from behind Abraham. _Shit, how did I not notice him coming this way?_ "Mind if I play?" he asks Abraham.

"Sure man. Don't worry it looks that Blake has lost his edge." Abraham mocks me.

"Ha ha," I say as Abraham walks off leaving me and Michael alone. The first time we've seen each other in a week. The only time I've ever spent so much time away from Michael was when we were little and he had the flu. Even then I still tried to sneak in his window but his mom caught me just as I made it inside. To say we were inseparable is a bit of an understatement. Now Michael is avoiding me. Or have I been avoiding him? It's not like a sought him out. I figured he'd find me.

I expect Michael to say something to me but instead he just puts two quarters into the machine and starts up a game. He almost does as bad as me in the game but still manages to beat me.

Why am I so distracted? I'm acting like a girl. But it's just bugging me how this thing could happen and Michael doesn't even explain or anything. Maybe I should just bring it up. Rip off the band aid.

But then I notice how we're in such close proximity to Ailyn and Shanna and…The timing isn't right. I'll have to get him alone somehow.

_Shit. _All this thinking and Michael blew me up again. Crap I hate this game. "Well I think I'm done." I say to Michael. He doesn't look up from the screen as the game ends. He won't even look at me.

"You know I was thinking…" I start but Michael cuts me off.

"I'm hungry. Pizza?" he asks. I pause for a second. So he is avoiding it. Well if he won't say it then maybe there is nothing to say. So I just nod and go along with Michael to a big table where most of the group is at already.

I slide into a seat between Shanna and Ailyn. At least now there won't be any awkward conversations. Michael takes a seat at the opposite end of the table.

"Hey what's going on between you and Michael?" Shanna asks me in a quiet, caring voice. I'm taken off guard by the question. "I mean this must be the most separated you've been since forever. Did you guys have a fight or something?"

"Uh…" What the hell do I say? Obviously not the truth but what do I say? Shanna knows me pretty well so it'll have to be a good lie. Crap. "We are just taking a break from each other." I say weakly.

"Taking a break from each other? What are you a couple?" Shanna asks. My face burns and I know I must be bright red.

"What? No why would you say that?" I ask too quickly.

"Relax, I don't actually think you're a couple. Whatever you guys are doing good luck with it." Shanna offers well naturedly. It doesn't help that much. _Oh if only you knew what was going on. _I think as I watch Shanna. I do wonder how she would react to the news. Supportive friend seems the most likely. But then again who knows how people might react to it. It would definitely be gossip for anyone.

I don't really talk much for the rest of the meal. That is until a large jolly man comes behind me and greets the table. I immediately remember him as Rafael. The guy I blew chunks on. I instantly start to sink down in my chair trying to look as small as possible.

He seems to notice me right away though. "Is this the guy that threw up on me?" He asks the table. My face runs red again as I try to sink ever further into my chair until I'm practically under the table. There's silence for a second. And he starts laughing. Laughing big time, eventually everyone cautiously joins in with little laughter of their own and I slowly rise in my chair.

Rafael smacks me on the back. Playfully I think but it definitely didn't feel playful. "So you're not mad about the whole," I made a tiny face at his shirt.

"I hated that shirt anyway." Rafael said before handing out menus to the table. He seems cool I guess. At least he's not pissed at me like I thought he would. Anything is better than pissed at me.

There's a round of orders. I don't pay much attention though. I do still notice some unpleasant looks from Rafael. Crap, he's going to spit in my food isn't he. _Note to self, don't eat anything. _ Rafael leaves with a smile but I'm wary to eat anything right now.

Instead I get lost in conversation with everyone. Ailyn introduces me to Charlie. He still gives me a sort of awkward look. He's defiantly a bit of the jealous type, probably going to have to work on that to be with Ailyn. Apparently he's a new student just moved in from Chicago.

Ailyn then reminds of Drama rehearsal coming up. I missed the last few because of the head injury. Now I had to get back to it. Who else is gonna be the lead in that play.

I get the sense that I might have missed a lot in the past week, like the fact that I feel like someone's missing. At first I must have been distracted with the whole Michael problem but now I realize Nellie is MIA.

"Where's Nellie?" I ask Shanna off to the side from the conversation. She gives me a sort of look like, _why did it take you this long to ask? _Which I guess I deserve, it took me this long to notice she was gone.

"Grounded, Her parents found the," she makes a motion to her lips of a smoke and I get it. Her parents found the weed. Crap, there goes next weekend.

"So what are we gonna do this weekend?" I whisper.

"Abraham's parents are still gone. Ailyn can still get the beer. It's still happening just not with Nellie." Shanna answers.

"Alright, but I don't think it will be as fun without Nellie." In this case Nellie being a euphemism for weed at this point.

"You'll survive one night without it." Shanna says annoyed. She is the only one of us that doesn't use the drugs. I call her soft for it but she won't go near the stuff. She doesn't have to do it I guess but I can't imagine going to these parties without a little smoke on the side.

"I can't say I will enjoy it with these bad boys rapped around my head." I point at the bandages. Shanna makes a face.

"You know it's a kick back and not a full on party right?" she asks. She definitely prefers a kickback over an actual party.

"Doesn't mean we can't have fun." I say with a bright smile. Shanna smirks at me but I can tell she's suppressing a smile of her own.

"Yeah Blake, we can have fun. If by fun you mean getting higher than the empire state though then you're fresh out of luck." Shanna said with a bright slightly annoying smile.

"At least I'm not uptight." I comment.

She scoffs at me. "I am not uptight!"

"Really," I challenge her, "Then how about you prove it."

"How?" I think about it. Then the answer comes to me.

"How about you kiss me?" I challenge her. I can see Shanna blush and look away from my gaze. "Or are too stuck up about it for one little kiss?" I ask in mocking voice.

"Oh really?" she challenges back and wraps her hands around my neck and pulls me closer to her mouth until it touches mine. I hear some of the conversation around the table quiet down. I peek an eye open and see a few stares but nothing that major. That is until I catch Michael staring, then pulling something out that I recognize as a flask and takes a big chug from it.

Shanna eventually pulls away and then cracks up laughing. "What?" I ask with a huge grin on my face. It's not that the kiss was that amazing, not to say it was bad.

"You and I kissing, it's funny." She answers between laughs. For a while I'm laughing too until eventually we both tire out. But of course Ailyn won't let something like that go yet.

"So Blake, you and Shanna huh?" she comments with a wink. I see Shanna blush and playfully shove Ailyn.

"Why Ailyn? Are you jealous?" Shanna teases with another shove.

"No I definitely got someone for that." Ailyn says and pulls Charlie into a kiss. At first it's a just kiss but then they sort of seem to get into it and start making out with each other. The table goes a little quiet as everyone sort of watches with varying levels of uncomfortable. I even spy Michael taking another large chug of the flask. Finally when they do break apart their kiss everyone seems to give a little cheer for them. I would too but with Ailyn I'm not really sure how long Charlie will actually last.

Rafael comes back a little while later with an assortment of different pizzas. Cheese, supreme, even pineapple and ham, I think about taking a slice but then I remember the look Rafael gave me and think I might skip this one.

I see Michael take another swig of alcohol. Jesus is he seriously trying to get drunk right now. I guess it goes all to his bladder because pretty soon he almost runs to the bathroom. I decide that this is my best chance to get Michael alone. If I wait for the end of this thing he might run off and then who knows when I'll see him again.

I excuse myself and head to the bathroom. It's pretty much the same as I remember it but with a faded poster promoting the Reef on the wall and dirt and grime surrounding the edges of the mirrors.

I hear gagging noises coming from a stall. How much did he drink? Michael always seemed to be able to hold down the most out of all of us. If he's puking it must be a lot of something. The rest of the bathroom is empty so I stand by the door as a guard. I don't want anyone walking in while we talk about this.

It's a little disturbing to listen to Michael's vomit noises. Then again it would probably be even more uncomfortable if I interrupted him during them. Finally after what seems like ten minutes Michael finally flushes and stumbles out of the bathroom.

As soon as he catches sight of me he instantly looks away and holds onto the counter for support. I move to his side and try to help him but he shoves me off. I'm persistent though and turn on a faucet and grab some paper towels. I gruffly pull Michael to the sink, this time he doesn't fight to much this time.

As I washed his hands it was pretty much silent between us with only the water running. It was awkward but right now I'm determined to work this out with Michael. I just wish I didn't have to deal with a drunken Michael.

"Listen dude we need to talk." I just blurted out after I finished washing his hands and face. He just looks at me for a second with almost no expression on his face.

"About what?" he slurs. He looks wobbly even leaning against the counter. I hold a hand on his shoulder just in case he loses his balance. The smell of alcohol fills my nose. I wince against the foul odor.

"How much have you been drinking?" I ask holding my noise against the stench coming from Michael. Whatever the answer it can't be safe.

"Like…today or this week?" He slowly says. It seems like some kind of miracle for him to speak like this. His hand reaches for the flask in his pocket but I grab it first. Michael tries to get it back but he's slow and unbalanced. I easily sidestep him and his stumble onto the floor of the bathroom.

I take a whiff of the flask and get an even worse stench of some mixture of vodka tequila and whiskey. Dear god it's bad. How much of this could he have in him. I notice he's still on the floor.

_Shit! _Panic runs through me. I drop to his side and flip Michael onto his back. His eyes are closed. _Shit shit shit. _I yell at myself and check to hear he's breathing. Relief floods through me as I feel his ranted breath against my cheek. Michael suddenly grins from ear to ear and starts giggling. Then all out laughing.

"If you wanted me on my back this bad…" he drifts off at the end of the sentence. I'm relieved he didn't finish, I don't like where he was going with that sentence. His eyes drift around the floor. "How did I get on the floor?" he asks me serious now. That makes me crack up laughing. Dear god I need a drink now.

"Dude how hammered are you?" At my words Michael cracks up into a new round of laughter.

"Maybe just a little. I haven't been sober since, the hospital I think." Michael answers.

"You've been drunk for four days?" I ask. That definitely can't be safe. Michael just giggle at this. I decide now might be a good time to pull Michael to his feet. I underestimate Michael though because as soon as I give a tug on his arm he tugs on me and I fall on top of him. Sort of like the way we were in the alley but switched places.

For a second I expect Michael to kiss me again. Like he did in the alley but he just stares up at me like he doesn't even realize what happens. Then of course he cracks up giggling again and then seems to pass out. This is going well.

And the real kicker is a after a few seconds of Michael's giggles and I start to laugh myself Michael passes out. He looks kind of cute snoring…_Why do I keep doing that?_

I quickly jump off of Michael before anything more uncomfortable happens. Just as I see a bulge at Michael's zipper and Michael whispers something I'll never forget.

"Blake,"


	4. Chapter 4

Even slurred and drunken I could understand those fateful words Michael had drunkenly slipped out in his sleep. It's no big deal right? I mean alcohol lowers you inhibitions. But that would mean that Michael does think about me. With a bulge. _Shit._

Eventually I manage to prop a passed out Michael over my shoulder and carry him out of the bathroom. The party is sort of broken up with a hammered Michael. Strangely everyone else seemed to have noticed how inebriated Michael had become before I could even figure it out myself.

Apparently Michael bumped a ride off of Abraham. But right now in his intoxicated state Michael couldn't go anywhere near Abraham's new truck. I figure Shanna's car would be okay, it already had a tiny smell of vomit in the back seat. And since she was my ride already I sort of forced Michael into her car.

"What is going on with Michael?" Shanna asks as we pile into the car with Michael stuffed into the back seat. I nearly freeze in my seat. Did she suspect something?

"Wha…what do you mean by that?" I stutter. Crap if she didn't expect something before then she definitely does now.

"You haven't noticed how…drunk he's been for the past week?" Shanna asks. It's not really my fault.

"I haven't seen him in the past week. Sorry I haven't been his party police." I answer. I peek back at Michael who is mumbling something in his sleep and groping a seatbelt. I can't imagine what he's dreaming about.

"And what is that about anyway?" Shanna asks as she starts up the engine. For a second I think the car won't start but Shanna seems unfazed and drives anyway. "What is between you two? Is this why he's gone off the deep end?"

"I don't know. I'm not in control of him Shanna. He can become an alcoholic if he wants. I'm not his father." I answer bitterly.

"Jesus, can you two not function without each other? A few days apart and Michael becomes a drunk and you become a dick who can't even leave his own home." Shanna rants.

Bitchy, but maybe she has a point. I haven't left the home in days. And apparently Michael has been drunk for days since I last saw him. Is he really that torn up about it? I doubt he just decided to turn alcoholic on me.

We drive in silence for the rest of the ride. Besides Shanna's cars occasional bumps and grinds. I prepare to get out as we arrive Michael's house but she drives right past it and on the way to mine.

"Um you know you passed his house right?" I point out to Shanna. She focuses on the rode with more determination that I've seen in a while.

"You think we can take him home like this? Maybe you do have brain damage." She pulls up to my house only a small ride from Michael's and parks the car.

"You want me to take him?" I ask. To which Shanna gives me a strong, don't mess with me, look.

"A week ago you guys were inseparable and now what you question holding onto Michael. You barely talk to him. Did something happen, because this is seriously messed up?" Shanna rants on again. Never let anyone tell you different, when Shanna gets annoyed it's hard to argue with her.

I could have tried but if I did the truth could come dangerously close to coming out. Something I don't want to ever come out. To drop the subject I jump out of Shanna's car and lift Michael's limp body over my shoulder.

Shanna takes off before I've even closed the door. What the hell's her deal? I wonder, but I think Michael start to drool on me so I double time it into my house. Luckily my parents seem distracted in the kitchen. Also lucky my brother just moved out for college. I finally made it up the stairs to my room without anyone noticing and placed a still fast asleep Michael on the bed.

Right about now I notice how grungy Michael's clothes are, a dirty old jacket and tattered jeans. Is he really going through something? If it's really this bad then maybe it isn't about me. I mean I can't be a big enough deal in Michael's life to drive him to drink like this.

It's all too much to process now. I walk down to the kitchen and grab the painkillers my doctor gave me. Ibuprofen, strong stuff for a head injury but who am I to argue. I take a couple and take them down with some water. After that I decide I need to sleep and grab some Nyquil and chug down some of the bottle.

After that I feel the effects hit me in a few minutes. First lightheaded then a little dizzy so I climb back up the stairs into my room and prepare to sleep. I slide next to Michael on my bed. It's not really that weird. We have had plenty of sleep overs before as kids. I fall asleep just as my head hits the pillow.

I don't know what I dream. I think I see flashes of something. Two big walls surrounding me but I can't tell what. I think I see faces but I can't make them out though I know that I do know them. I just have no idea who they are. Confusing dream.

I snuggle closer to the warm source. For some reason it's like I feel cold and this is the only thing keeping me warm. I wrap my arms around it and my legs tangle with the source before I order them too. Everything is nice, until I feel a pressure rising from my groin, then another thing pressing hard into my hip.

My eyes dart open and I see me and Michael draped around each other on the bed. I seem to be under him but my arms are around his back and our legs are intertwined, even his head is fitted right into my neck like it was made to be there. For a moment I want to stay like this just for the warmth off his body. That is until I feel that pressure against my hip growing and my own groin gain some blood flow.

This makes me want to hit and run but the last time I did that I ended up with a few extra scars. At least we're on a bed this time. I try to untangle myself from Michael but his arms are around me, one at the small of my back and the other running dangerously close to my waist band.

This just makes me want to squirm out more. As I realize where my hands are, one being over his butt and the other clinging to his back and actually pushing him into me (I curse my hands for betraying me) I really start to squirm. If I wake him it will just be even more awkward than it already is, was, going to be?

I gingerly take my hands off him and untangle my legs to the best of my ability. Of course as soon as I do that Michal's leg lodges into the space between my legs and starts riding up toward my crotch. _Shit. _Even unconscious Michael is being difficult. I start to notice his uneasy breathing against my neck. I get goose bumps around the rest of my body from his breath. He starts to move in his sleep, his legs riding up and down and his breathing going a little uneasy. His hands drift a little, wrapping tighter around me, making it physically impossible at this point to untangle us without literally pushing Michael off of me. His other hand though seems to get tighter but also drift closer to my waist, no on my waist at this point and still somewhat inching closer. The pressure against my hip seems to move along with the rest of his body against mine.

Suddenly I realize what he's doing. He's grinding in his sleep. Please let this be a dream. Until I hear that damn name again. "Blake," _Shit fuck dammit! _His lips trail over the nape of my neck and an involuntary shudder runs down my spine along with a new round of goose bumps along everywhere, And a feeling inside of me. Something weird, like hot that makes me want more. The thought of anything more though also makes me really want to run away but I can only see this getting worse if I do wake Michael.

His lips don't seem to want to stop there. They move toward my face leaving a trail of tiny soft kisses against my skin. Each one making me shudder, I don't know if it's because I'm grossed out or if I want more. I don't know I don't know what the hell to think of this. His lips seemed to travel closer and closer, on my neck, tracing my jaw line, up my cheeks and at the corners of my lips but never touching them. I knew though that something inside me wanted them to move to my damn lips. I would pull them there if he didn't do it already.

Just as something inside me is about to take over and pull Michael's face to mine I notice how fast he's bumping against me. Then I see the look of concentration on his face and the tiny pleasured sound and a look of jubilee. _Oh my f-ing God. He just came_. He had to have for that face. In answer his muscles seem to give out and his body weight falls onto me. It's somewhat painful because of the blood flow in my groin. For a real answer I don't feel that pressure against my hip anymore. Answer enough for anyone.

About then my mind goes numb. About a million thoughts go through my head, ranging from waking him so I can kiss him to beating the shit out of Michael. I don't do either of them though for the sake of my friendship with Michael, both of those would end my friendship and I don't want to do that. I can't lose Michael in my life, and becoming anything more with him is undesirable too. So where does that leave us?


	5. Chapter 5

For the next couple hours, I think, are spent with Michael passed out on top of me still sort of groping me unconsciously. I let him though. I have no idea what to do. If I push him off I risk waking him up and that could really wreck our friendship. So instead I just let him sleep. I think I might have fallen asleep too, but I still wake up before him.

In what does feel like hours later I feel Michael start to stir. Not in the same way as before where he…let one out, but starting to wake up. This time I'm sure we'll have to talk. There's nowhere to go now.

Slowly but surely Michael props his head against my 's just a coincidence that he was on top of me when he…had that dream. That is until I feel him squeeze my arms and whisper the words, "Best dream ever" I'm terrified to know the details of that dream. Then I see his eyes dart open as I think he realizes where he is. He slowly looks up at me staring down at him. Instantly we both pull apart from each other and move as far as the bed will allow from each other.

"How was your dream?" I ask feebly. I don't know what I expect as an answer.

"It was good." He answers gingerly. He pulls his knees into his chest and rests his chin on his knees. He's definitely uncomfortable. I sit crisscross but get the urge to pull my legs in too. Try to make myself feel smaller.

"So uh, do you want to talk about it?" I ask. I really don't want to talk about this one. In hours of silence I still have no idea what I feel about what just happened.

"My dream? No, no no no no no." Michael answers quickly. He rubs his eyes and then head. "Oh god, massive hangover." He explains and rubs his head a little.

"I'll get you some water." I offer partly to help him and partly to get the hell out of this room. I nearly run to the door and shut it before taking a breath. Why can't I even talk to Michael anymore? Why did he have to fuck things up so badly?

I fumble downstairs trying to think about what to say to Michael. I just have to say it. Rip off the bandage. I grab some bottled water and an aspirin. I strengthen my resolve I climb the stairs back up to my room.

As I walk in I see Michael at my window with one leg through about to jump out. "Are you seriously trying to jump out the window?" I ask. This startles Michael and I think he'll fall out the window. I drop my supplies and pull Michael back in.

When he's safely inside a familiar grin spreads across his face. "It's not the first time I've gone through you're window."

"First time with a hangover," I retort and push him back onto my bed. He falls back and covers his face with his hands.

"Aw god." He moans into his hands. I pass him a water then some aspirin. I make sure to lock the window this time when I close it. Michael dumps the bottled water over his head and then swallows three aspirins. He tries to take more but I pull the bottle away.

"Dude, you made a mess." I say and try to dry up all the water on my bed now.

"Sorry." He mumbles back softly. Alright now is the time.

"Look we need to talk." I say firmly.

"Now?" he asks with his hands covering his eyes. I turn off the lights to try and help him through this.

"Yes, now okay. No more avoiding each other." Michael groans at me and turns on his side away from me. "Why did you ki…"

"Nobutadup" Michael cuts me off before I can finish.

I say it louder though and lock my door so no one interrupts me. "Why did you kiss me!" I yell in a soft whisper. Michael stops moving and I stop to. I guess neither of us have said it out load so the thought is strange.

After what feels like hours of horribly awkward silence between Michael and I he starts talking, "It was an accident."

"How?" I ask.

"My…elbows gave out and my face just bumped into yours. It was a hard run that day." Michael clarifies. I know he's lying though. I can hear it in his voice.

"Alright, then why are you drinking?" I ask. Michael is silent for a while.

"I felt bad after you hit your head. So I just felt like I needed a drink." Michael explained. I can't tell if he's lying or not, but given his last lie I think this might be a lie as well. Maybe I'm just not thinking right with all this weirdness.

"Okay. Why are you avoiding me?" I ask next.

"I can ask you the same thing." Michael stated. I think about this for a second. Yes I hadn't seen Michael but I figured that he should come to me. I didn't think that maybe I could just go to him and talk.

"Fine, I guess I'm sorry for not going to see you." I apologize, though I'm not entirely sure why I am.

"I'm sorry too." Michael apologizes.

"There is still one thing though." I say. This is the most embarrassing and weird but I need to know. "You were dreaming about me weren't you" I state it, I don't ask. Michael is silent in answer. "While you were asleep you were sort of…" How do I say this right? Groping me? Thrusting me? Sleep sexing me? "Thrusting, somehow you were on top of me on the bed. Before you woke up though…" Michael interjects before I can really finish.

"It was nothing okay. What did you think it was?" Michael asks solemnly.

"I don't know what to think about that?" I answer solemnly as well.

"But you must have thought something."

"I thought it was…confusing." That's the best I can say about it, confusing.

"Confusing," Michael says like he's testing out the word. Michael talks with a new conviction now "Look how about we forget all this weirdness and just go back to being friends?"

I consider his proposal. That's what I want but I feel like there'll be unfinished business between us. Especially after that groping incident, but I suppose the best I can hope for after all this is to be Michael's friend right? That is what I want.

"Alright," I answer not sure if I really mean it.


	6. Chapter 6

For a while it is good. Being with Michael is almost back to normal. I still have a tiny case of PTSD from the grinding incident, but other than that I'm fine. Michael comes over frequently to play video games and stuff. We do seem more close to normal, but still there is that lingering feeling in the back of my mind. Remembering that feeling in my chest wanting more, or the involuntary shudders that came with his soft pecks against my neck, those things just make it strange between us. Well those things make it strange for me anyway.

But either way I want to be friends with Michael. I can't lose him in my life I've known him too long for that. For the next week I spend as much time as possible with Michael. Even if it is slightly awkward, I do everything I can to get things back to closer to normal. I basically stick to Michael like glue, I spend the rest of the weekend with him just talking about random crap then playing some modern warfare three. Besides that we go out and hang with Shanna and Ailyn at the mall. We would hang out with Nellie too but she's still on house arrest because of the weed. Too bad we could have used that for the party later on this week.

During the week I do the same and stick with Michael as much as possible, maybe even more than normal. Honestly it's not that different from the usual, we would have spent that much time together before but I don't want anyone to suspect anything. They definitely would have noticed if Michael and I weren't together.

In fact I might be smothering Michael if anything. Whenever I do try to swoop into his time he seems to pull away. Like on Thursday, I spot him at a corner table at lunch with Abraham, Nellie and Shanna with a seat open to his left. I would sit with him anyway so I come over to the seat. The second I get up to him he puts his backpack on the chair. I should not have but I asked him to move it. For a second it's back to uncomfortable between us, but then in the next second Michael moves his backpack. Maybe it's me, I'm being paranoid, and I'm totally acting crazy.

But there are good times with Michael again. Whenever it isn't awkward it is fun to be with Michael and just hang. The best time is whenever I go over to his house and listen to Michael jam out on the piano, bass, guitar; even harmonica is great to listen too. Michael tried to teach me instruments once but I'll never be on Michael's level. Watching him play is something else entirely. I try to get Michael to sing but he seems a bit embarrassed to sing and play.

But my little game of sticking to Michael lasts for the rest of the week right up until we are driving up to Abraham's party. We bump a ride off of Shanna who fills up the car with chat. Thank god, there are only so many things to ramble on about for an entire week. Thank god for football too. If I didn't have that time to really clear my head I think I'd go mental with my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just be a dimwitted jock so I could not put so much thought into me and Michael.

"So, ready to party?" Shanna asks with a huge grin. Michael surprisingly seems to pep up right now and suddenly seems excited about this.

"Yeah man it's gonna be sick." Michael chimes and seems to jump out of the car with a new spring in his step. Shanna laughs as soon as Michael's gone.

"What happened to Mr. Mopey?" she asks with a bright smile. Shanna has this thing about her where she really does cares about those around her. If they're happy she's happy, a blessing and a curse.

"Who knows?" I shrug and follow him out of the car.

Abraham lives in a nice area, a domestic area in a decent sized house. A bit upper middle class, a nice house compared to some not too far from here. I could see already though that at about 8:30 most of the other houses seemed to be asleep while Abraham's shined like a beacon to everyone, with music blaring and the lights shining for all to see.

Most of the other are already waiting outside, Ailyn and Charlie, Maxfield, Ali, Lily, Nellie who I guess snuck out, and then a couple other people who I don't recognize. Everyone seems to carry something. Plastic bags of chips or beer I guess. Everyone seems to be waiting to all go in at once.

I weave my way through the crowd of teenagers and to the group I recognize as my friends. They all stand in a circle, some drinking beer out of brown paper bags. I greet everyone who all does a little hi back. Michael jumps around with that spring in his step, maybe he's high or something.

"Alright let's go already everyone's here!" Ailyn orders excitedly. She pulls Charlie after her and everyone else follows in premade little groups. Ailyn and Charlie stick together. Ali, Lily, and Nellie hang around together. Shanna sticks with Maxfield, looking shy by himself. That only leaves me and, you guessed it, Michael. Funny how the universe will work like that.

"So uh you seem to be having fun." I try to break the ice between us. Michael though still seems to be higher than a rocket and almost bounces with joy. I'm tempted to make him take a breathalyzer test.

"Yeah I mean the party looks kickass so far." Michael says excitedly. It does look pretty good, even on the outside. Although these sorts of parties were pretty common with Abraham, with his parents traveling so often he can throw one of these every other week. The only problem is cleanup, which I always seem to get wrangled into.

The inside of the house is a serious club. Abraham sure knows how to pack a bunch of teenagers I barely recognize together around his house. I recognize some people but the majority I don't, how could Abraham possibly know this many people? The majority of the dancing is in the living area where a keg is placed in the center. Some random guy is doing a keg stand. He looks like he's about to burst.

I think about getting a beer and turn around to ask Michal if he wants one. Although when I turn around he's gone along with everyone else I came with. _Crap._ I get the drink anyway just to get over being ditched like that. Or am I being hormonal again?

I sip my beer and weave my way out of the crowd around the kitchen. Well I try anyway, as I get out of the kitchen and try to be invisible by the wall a random blond girl with crisp blue eyes and a perfect smile pulls me into the living room and starts to dance around me. I don't want to be a douche so I sort of do the white guy dance as her ass rubs against my crotch. I feel my penis start to go erect. _Shit. Old people, grapefruit, math, geometry, old people. Anything else. _I feel my little solider begin to march back and exhale a sigh of relief. The next second though I feel another pressure on my back. I turn to see another girl, a brunette with hazel eyes and perky dimples now dancing at my back. She seemed to be in sync with the girl in front of me. With this new member I feel my solider starting to march forward again. At this rate grapefruit isn't going to help me.

I try to slip away from the sandwich around me but the crowd has me boxed in and any attempt to escape would just push me into either girl. I'm not trying to be cocky but even with jeans a size or two too big my cock would be in plain sight. _Shit, this is going to be bad._

I prepare to be exposed of my erection. This blond looks like a screech and the brunette might be too. I feel it getting harder, I close my eyes and wait for the cry. But instead I feel a shift from the ass rubbing against my steadily rising cock and the boobs rubbing up against my back. Most of me is relieved, but still a part of me, the part still rising, wants to girls back.

I open my eyes to see who got rid of the girls and find Michael dancing right next to me with his eyes closed. Well dancing might be a strong word, Michael is not the best dancer in the world. When he moves he looks like a spastic donkey and a falling bird rolled together. But he doesn't look like that right now. Instead he grinds right up next to me, concealing my growing erection, and dancing in slight movements against my body.

Again my body is in a strange conflict. One part wants to pull Michael closer against my hard on, the other wants to punch Michael for making those girls leave, and a third really wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I do the third, or it takes over anyway. I try to escape through the crowd but they seem to have me boxed in. Even if I manage to squeeze out my little member would definitely rat me out. I have no choice. I begrudgingly stand near Michael in order to hide my hard on. As soon as it goes away I'll try to slip out.

The problem is it doesn't go away. I dance near Michael for at least ten minutes and my little member doesn't get any softer. If anything it gets harder rubbing against Michael. I try to control my face but my face contorts every now and then. My little member tries to get my attention. Its message is as clear as day. _"Get me into Michael!"_ That's all it wants but I fight it as hard as possible.

Inappropriate thoughts start up in my mind. Michael's soft ass and how easy it would be to rip off his pants and expose it. Thoughts of how soft and smooth his hair is. How much his smile sets something off in my chest. The way his laugh always makes me smile. Maybe not all are inappropriate but they feel foreign. Things that have always been there but I never noticed till now.

There are a lot of things my body wants to do. Lots of things it wants to do to Michael as his hand brushes against my back, or when my penis grazes his thigh. Something primal really, really wants to just control my body and finish this. Get a load out and finish this.

Just as I'm ready to break the animal out of his cage, take Michael into a bedroom and shove my dick up his ass Michael pulls me off the dance floor. Being smaller he can weave through the crowd better. Michael holds my hand as he pulls me through, his hands feel soft, delicate and slender. What really makes an impression is how long his fingers are. A multitude of dirty thoughts run through my mind at that but I try and push them all away before I get too far along.

My mind begins to clear as we reach a new part of the house. Up the crowded stairs into a less populated area of the house, A few more drunken kids seem to have wandered up here but it's much easier to move around. At least my erection won't hit anyone. I'm about to ask where Michael is dragging me when he pulls me into one of the bed rooms. Inside I find the rest of my friends are already here.

"Why are we all up here?" I ask as I get settled down on a chair. I think we're in Abraham's room. Kind of a punk room, dark colors mixed with other stuff. It all kind of accounts for the red streaks in Abraham's hair, I think he's trying to be a hipster.

"Because!" Ailyn nearly shrieked in my ear before handing me a beer from a six pack she must have brought up here. "You don't want to hang out with those posers." Ailyn breathes into my face and the stench of alcohol violates my nostrils. She burst out into a snorting laugh and a few other guys laugh. It's pretty clear that almost everyone has had a few drinks and the smoke in the room tells me that someone got their hands on some more weed.

"Hey dude relax take a load off!" Abraham calls from his bed. He has a smoke in his hand, contributing to the fog of smoke already in the room. Eh I could deal with Michael later, right now I could use a beer, and maybe a smoke.

"Are we really doing this?" I ask and can't resist laughing. Everything seems funny now, this whole party, life, all the shit that happened with Michael. He seems real cute sometimes and…what was I saying?

Everyone else starts laughing in the circle we've made on the floor. "Yeah it'll be fun." Shanna says excitedly. She places an empty beer bottle on a chess board in the middle of us and gives it a spin. It starts to stray from the board as everyone watches expectantly as the bottle lands on Maxfield.

A group of cheers or squeals comes from the group as Shanna starts crawling towards Maxfield. He looks reluctant to move but eventually with all the groups chants he crosses to the center with Shanna. He takes her face in his hands and pulls her in for a kiss, light and quick, a peck. Then he quickly backs back to his spot and takes a chug of beer. What's his deal?

"Alright Maxfield's turn!" Ailyn squeals. I see Shanna glowing brightly with a broad smile. Maybe she likes Maxfield. Maxfield spins the bottle. It spins and spins, everyone's eyes are locked to it until it lands on Michael…

"Oh my god!" Lily laughed. Everyone else seemed to have a similar reaction. It got strangely quiet as the thought started to unravel in my brain. Michal would have to kiss Maxfield. Maxfield, the blond varsity stud who had that sweet country accent.

"Rules are rules." Ailyn says like a judge. We all wait expectantly as Maxfield, very reluctantly now, moves to the center towards Michael. Michael tops off his bottle of beer with a sneer and then a grin.

"Let's do this." He moves over to the center to Maxfield. It might be the drugs but times seems to somehow slow down for me after that. I somehow watch in a slower motion as Maxfield cups Maxfield's blushing face and pulls him in. Michael puckers his big, soft juicy lips and pushes them into Maxfield's. Then time seems to snap back to normal as I watch neither of them pull away. Instead they seem to go at it. I think I even see some tongue between them. I feel sick to my stomach. I think it's all the weed and beer. I want to barf, but not only that. I really, really, really want to punch Maxfield in the face.

I clench my fist to try and suppress my anger which boils from some foreign part of me. I don't know why I feel like this but I do and this time my body is in full agreement. Punch Maxfield so hard he bleeds. My body craves the feeling of hurting Maxfield. My hand literally shakes with some sort of blind rage. I can't make coherent thoughts beyond Maxfield's blood on my hand.

The kiss doesn't stop though. Michael's hands run along Maxfield's neck and pull him physically closer. Maxfield's hands roam to Michael's waist and pull them together. I feel the incredible urge to finish the rest of the six pack. I take a long sip with the hand not physically trembling.

Everyone is silent as we all watch the two kiss. It must be weird, how Shanna's kiss was a peck and this is borderline French. I hear a few Oh my gods and Damns from people as the kiss doesn't stop. It keeps going. Their hands keep roaming each other and they seem to kiss over and over. I beg for this to end soon or I may actually attack Maxfield.

Finally, after what seems like ages, the kiss finally ends. But there seems to be lingering. They end with an audible smooch and for a few seconds after the kiss they both just look into each other's eyes. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does, I want that, badly. I just don't understand a lot of my feelings right now. One feeling I do understand is this thirst I have and I really want to drink.

There's a joint cheer as the kiss is for sure over and Ailyn takes over. "Well that was…interesting, I'll go this time." She takes the bottle and gives it a little spin. I don't pay attention and just chug down another beer and avoid looking in either Michael or Maxfield's directions. Ailyn though stops the bottle as it lands on Charlie and everyone laughs as she pulls him into a kiss, her falling into his lap and dragging him by the tie to the ground. I don't try to watch but hey I'm a teenage guy. And I'm not the only one who watches.

After this I sort of check out. I think the drugs start to take over and everything seems so much better. Why not Maxfield kiss Michael, they're hot or whatever. Why wouldn't Michael like him? He's a six foot body builder whose pecs look like cinder blocks pointing out of his v neck. Everything is fine, life is fine and I'm fine. Me and Michael are fine. Fine. That is until I feel a hazy poking on my knee from far away. Everything seems so far away right now.

"Blake?" I hear someone nearly shriek. I peek my eyes open to see everyone staring at me. What? Do I have an erection or something? I peek down but all I see is the bottle pointing at me.

"Who spun it?" I ask hazily licking my lips preparing to kiss someone.

"Michael," Shanna answers.


	7. Chapter 7

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. _Is about all I can think. After that last show with Maxfield everyone will expect me to kiss or whatever with Michael. Little did they know we already did that. I sneak a look at Michael but his face looks somber now. He doesn't make any move to kiss me. I don't know why but that hurts. As seconds drain on and neither of us moves to finish it there is a slow chant building up, "kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss," growing louder from the crowd. Abraham nudges against Michael's back, in an obvious push. Michael stumbles forward almost eating it on the ground but quickly sits up and edges a little closer in my direction.

Lily, I think, pushes me from behind. I stumble but catch myself on my palms. I straighten myself out and start crawling toward Michael too. I want this to be over. I don't want this to happen. Michael and I are friends again. Something like this could ruin that. Sweat builds up in my palms from anticipation as I reach Michael. We sit across from each other. Neither of us really knows how to start this. With everyone watching it gets a little awkward too.

_Fuck it. _ I think, it'll all be over soon. So I initiate and pull Michael by his soft, blushing cheeks over to me so his lips reach mine. For a second I forget everyone else in the room. For a second it's just me and Michael, doing this. For a second it's all just fun and I don't even know how to describe it. For a second everything flushed from my face and made my body feel giddy with ecstasy from the excitement. This is all for a second, because a second is all it lasted. Almost the second my lips touched his and I felt a strange bliss it was immediately stripped away by Michael pulling away. His cheeks seem to burn in my hands, he looks down and breathes shallowly.

I'm shocked honestly. For a moment I'm not sure what to do. My mind tells my body to crawl back to my spot, and maybe never kiss anybody ever again but my body feels in a strange little shock. It takes a second for it to react and crawl back to my spot. Somewhere after that strange emotions come into play. Anger, jealousy, hurt, all the things I feel. I'm angry that I'm feeling these things too. _You are not supposed to react to Michael this way! _I scream at my body but it feels futile. It won't listen to reason or logic, just feels hurt emotions.

I zone out for the rest of the night. It might be all the smoke, or all the beers but the night is also fuzzy after that point. I remember a few key moments, a lot of partying, and at least a few more kisses during spin the bottle. I get a fuzzy image of Ailyn when I try to think about spin the bottle. I think there may have been some action between us. After that there must have been partying but that's all too hazy to ever figure out.

The minute I come to my head is bombarded with the pain of a hangover. I'm tired and thirsty and everything aches. My head feels like someone took a bat to it, and maybe took a few swings at the rest of my body as well. My ears are ringing as I try to unglue my eyelids. I feel a big things pressing down upon me. I try to dislodge my arms and finally manage to get a look at what, or who is on top of me. It's Michael lying flat across my body over my abdomen.

I try to lift my arms but Michael is surprisingly heavy on top of me. I try to speak but my throat feels raw and ragged. What the hell did I do last night? Uh to much pounding in my body…to much pounding everywhere.

"Hey," I manage to mumble after a few tries. I push and tug at Michael but he's out like a log. Right now he's a log on top of me starting to crush my airways. I tug but any energy I have is quickly sapped out with any attempt. "Dude," I moan this time. I get a sort of snort and snore combination from Michael.

I push and tug some more at Michael's dead weight but in the end throw my head back in defeat. If Michael crushed my lungs I'd just come back to haunt him. I take short, rugged breaths, partly from Michael's weight and partly from all the aching in my body.

This is the problem with drinking, Hangovers. It's fun and easy during but after you just hit the wall. I always end up feeling like I got hit by a truck and only to go flying into a brick wall. Suffice is to say I am in pain. Makes you wonder if they're all right about drinking and drugs.

"Get off!" I mumble as I finally manage to tug and arm free from under Michael. I jab at his side hard but he doesn't even wince. In fact I just get a snore in response. This could be a long morning.

_Where the hell am I anyway? _I ask myself, I try to search through my mind for an answer but it's still a big haze. I search around the room. What's under me is really soft. I king size bed with fancy sheets, or what would be fancy sheets tarnished by spilled beer and…I think vomit on the mantel. I guess I'm in the master bedroom, not the first time I've been I've woken up here but the first time waking up on the bed. The smell of the room starts to hit me, it's all one big stench, I think the vomit.

I see some other party goers lying out around the room. Ailyn is asleep on top of the dresser, Charlie underneath her. I see Lily's feet sticking out from a closet and some random person's feet too. I catch Shanna in the bathroom hanging by the toilet. One thing about Shanna, weak stomach. The room is empty beside that.

"Get off of me!" I finally manage to shift my other arm out from under Michael. I push at him now, I can definitely lift Michael when I'm sober but after something like that I'm just way too sapped.

"Huh," Michael grunts from under. His hands sloppily move across my legs drifting over some intimate places. In a better state of mind I might get freaked out but right now I just really want to get Michael off me, then crawl under a hole and die.

"Time to get…time to get up," I answer pushing at Michael again. He helps somewhat, moaning along the way until he ends up on my knees. Close enough. I shut my eyes tight and try to ignore the pain my body is in right now.

It's too much to hope for. The next second my head is charged to explode when a door slams open. Everyone else seems to share my pain, groaning in unison. I peek an eye to see Abraham, not that worse for wear considering it was his party.

"Wake up bitches." Abraham hollers through the room. Any last fragment of peace I had in my mind is shattered. There's another round of moans and groans throughout the room.

"Fuck off, Abraham." Ailyn moans into Charlie's chest. I stifle a groan into my hands. I can't' get out of this bed, let alone start cleanup crew.

"Oh yes it is. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Abraham yelled with a clap. This could be my chance to escape. I knee Michael hard in the gut. He moans but honestly I didn't put much strength behind it. Michael rolls a little further and falls with a bang off the bed.

"Fuck you." His voice is muffled into the carpet. I silently give him the middle finger. I also show it to Abraham as well.

"Alright everyone who I don't know, Get the fuck out!" Abraham yelled this time. How many people is that? I see a couple of the strangers get up and leave. They all look like raggedy Anne dolls. Worn out, tired looking, like zombies stumbling out of the room. No doubt most are still a little drunk from last night.

I slip under the covers and shut my eyes as tight as I can. I need any amount of rest possible. "Now whoever's left, get to cleaning." Abraham orders before walking out the door.

"Stuck up bitch," Lily mumbles from the closet. I still try to hide under the covers, just for a few seconds more.

"Come on," Charlie grumbles from under Ailyn. I hear them get off the dresser and someone stumbles. "Come on," He says again.

"No," Ailyn moans but I hear footsteps leading out of the room and then a little silence. I hear a few more incoherent moans then someone else seems to stumble throughout the room.

"Get out of that bed." Shanna stabs at my stomach side. I cringe at the pain and stifle a yelp. She grabs the cover off my head and light seems to blind me. I shut my eyes tight and twist onto my stomach.

"No, light bad." I whine but Shanna doesn't seem to be as hung over as me. She pulls me off the bed. I put up a fight though and tumble us both onto the floor. It's comfortable here in the shadows of the bed, although I did fall on top of Shanna.

"Move your big ass," Shanna orders as she tugs relentlessly at my body. Even in my inebriated state I can still outmatch Shanna and hold my ground on top of her.

"No," I moan into the carpet, "No let's just sleep here. Ill roll over so you can lie on top of me." I offer as I push against Shanna. I hear a groan come from Michael.

"Tempting," Shanna laughs a little. She pushes and this time I let her push me off. I hug the carpet tight and pray no one asks me to get up. "Now get your lazy ass of the ground." She kicks at my side. What little breath I had in me is knocked out.

I push my hands up and try to stand. Every breath stings as I try to get up. "I'll never drink again." I choke out and cringe at a stab in my stomach. I blindly reach for the counter to pull myself up. "Fuck," I curse as I pull myself up. Every part of me aches in pain. _What the fuck happened last night? _Besides the party.

I stumble forward until I can get my balance leaning on the TV. Michael is still passed out at the foot of the bed. I kick lightly at his side. He lasts out a long draining moan. I feel bad; he must be in worse shape than me. "Get up Mike." I pull at his shoulders. He makes no effort to help so I half lift, half drag him out of the now empty parents room. Now That I'm more coherent it looks like a wreck. Like a mixture of a tornado, elephants and a hurricane came through last night.

"You know we'll end up cleaning this room right?" Michael moans into my chest as I drag him out.

"Yeah, and it'll suck. Come on." I stop suddenly and take a look at the rest of the house. It's almost in worse shape than the last room. Torn paintings, spilled food and drinks, I think vomit on a wall, and a whole lot of plastic red cups litter…everywhere. The stench clogs up my nose. I almost drop Michael to cover my nose.

"Oh shit. Forget that, I'd rather clean that room." Michael changes his mind. I laugh a little. It can't get much worse than this. I stop at the stairs, unable to carry Michael any further, I drop him and he crashes down a few steps before shoving his foot out and stopping somewhere near the bottom.

Ailyn comes out of the kitchen and looks at the sprawled out Michael, "Oh good, now you can help." She throws a broom down at Michael that nails him with a nice ringing sound.

"Ow," Is all Michael says in response. I should feel bad, but I can't. A part of me is still resentful of him. I can't really recall why though. It must be something to do with the blackout in my mind.

I step over the cradling Michael. I think he fell asleep at the stairs. I cross over to the kitchen and catch a glimpse of the cleanup crew. Ailyn and Charlie are in a corner picking up garbage with big plastic bags. Shanna Ali and Maxfield are armed with Windex and bleach, I guess to get all the stains out. Lily and Abraham are in the living room trying to pick up the keg which seemed to have tipped over at some point and left beer pouring out into the room. I decide to start at the keg.

"Holy shit," as I reach the living room I see how much more garbage litters the floor. It'll take all day no multiple days to clean all this crap.

"No shit," Abraham agrees. "Well Get that thing out of here first," He points at the keg, "Then I guess start cleaning the shit."

"I'm really regretting going to any more of your parties," Lily states. I agree whole heartedly. I wouldn't go if everyone else didn't. That sounds bad, like peer pressure or something.

"Alright good luck," Abraham waves and starts walking away. I quickly grab him by the wrist and yank him back then slide my arm over his shoulder. It's easy to seem intimidating when your taller and bigger than the buy next to you.

"Oh no, what good host doesn't help his party goers clean?" I ask as I maneuver him back to the keg.

"The ones who hate cleanup." Abraham answers glumly.

It takes a long time and a lot of caffeine but I start to ache less as the day goes by. The house starts to slowly get cleaner. As I talk to some other people I realize it's probably good I don't remember last night. Apparently I did some weird stuff last night and I can't remember a thing. Well that can't be good. No one can really remember last from all the alcohol. Maybe it's for the best not to know why I ache so much. Or why I woke up with Michael on top of me. Or to know why my pants were sticky this morning…

When the house is finally clean it's almost four in the afternoon. We all leave respectively, Michael and me piling into Shanna's car. Michael crawls in the back and soon falls asleep curled up in a ball. I slide into shotgun and rest my head back against the headrest. Shanna slips inside too, she lets out a long sigh and then I hear a bang.

I want to peek to see what happened but I'm just so…obliterated right now I think I might just fall apart if I tried. The silence though afterward, and some curiosity makes me take a peek to see Shanna resting on the wheel, snoring softly.

"What are you doing?" I grumble as I shift my position so my neck is comfortable.

"Sleeping," she growls at me.

"Having fun there?" I ask. She takes a long, hard breath and shifts her head on the steering wheel.

"Very. Go to sleep." She breathes. She's definitely tired. I really, really want to sleep. I just want to sleep, that's all I want. Is that too much to ask? But my morale side takes over. Very, very slowly I open the door of the car and step out. I lethargically cross to Shanna's side and open her door. She's out like a light. I pull her up into my arms and close the door with my foot. It shuts with a bang that feels like a bazooka shot. I place her in my side of the car and go back to her side. When I'm finally done I feel even more defeated by the thought of driving all the way back home. I feel beyond defeated by any thought at all right now.

The only thing keeping me from just sleeping like these other two lucky souls is the thought of my parents. I made an excuse last night to go missing all night, but two nights in a row? They'd know before I even got close to home. I know if I sleep I'll never get up, for the rest of forever. The thought of my dad screaming his head off keeps me alert enough to drive.

I start the car and start going…at about 20 miles per hour.

It takes about an hour to get back to my house. Let's just face it no one is capable of driving themselves anywhere right about now. So I pull Shanna's old bug behind my house. By now Shanna is a little more awake and capable of getting mad at me for driving her car.

"I can't believe you did that. You could have wrecked it or something." Shanna rants on a little more. I've been tuning her out for the better part of half an hour.

"Yeah, yeah. You were asleep and we had to get going." I speak calmly back. She smacks her forehead and just shuts her eyes at me. She feels like my mom right now, griping me like this.

"Please tell me you didn't scratch it,"

"I do have a license. You know that right?" I ask with a laugh.

"I just don't like anybody touching my baby." She explains touching the hood of the car. I roll my eyes at her. Michael snorts and snores at the same time catching my attention. He's sort of groping the seat in his sleep. I'm fixated on his face. My mind wonders what he's dreaming of. A part of me has this strange feeling of jealousy and envy but I don't even know why. Why does my body feel like this?

"Help me drag his ass upstairs." I say to Shanna who nods watching Michael too.

Michael still seems heavier than I last remember. Although now I have my full strength and I can easily carry Michael over my shoulder but it's easier to sneak him up to my room with Shanna opening the doors. We make it through the back and I sneak in the side way of the kitchen with Shanna trailing behind me. I make it past a wall when I hear my mom's perky voice.

"Shanna, what are you doing here?" My mom asks. I turn behind the wall and look at Shanna with a look of apology. She is frozen, glaring at me with daggers but slowly she turns to my mom and her face immediately changes to bright and shiny.

"Hi Mrs. Jenner," Shanna greets her and pulls into the kitchen. Sometimes you have to cut and run. Right now I'm leaving Shanna and running. I move quickly up the back staircase round a corner until I reach my room. I lock the door behind me and carefully place Michael across my bed.

I sit at the edge of the bed next to Michael's head and stroke a stray hair out of his face. I'm transfixed as Michael lets out a soft purr like snore. For some reason it's intoxicating for my ears to hear. The noise is soothing and nice. I want to hear it again and again.

Fuck. I really need to keep stray thoughts like that under control. Wait I think he said something. I really hope it's my imagination but I think it sounded like, Blake.

I hear Shanna's laugh from down stairs and remember how she is trapped with my mom right now. My body wants to stay here and listen for that snore again but my mind takes control and pushes me out of my room and down to Shanna. She's sitting at the dining room table with my mom. They each hold a mug and talk like two old cronies at a bingo table. Shanna smiles and looks pleasant but that's how she always is. I bet right now she has a bitch inside her.

"So…Oh hi Blake, I as just telling Shanna about that time with pie in the fair. Why didn't you tell me she was coming over?" My mom asks in that peppy mom voice.

"Please don't. Yeah she was just coming over too…" My voice drifts off. I can't think of a good enough lie. I'm not that great with wit or thinking on my feet.

"Just to visit. I hadn't seen Blake in a while and I wanted to check in with him, after his injury and all." Shanna fills in. Shanna is very convincing, over the years I've realized how good of a liar she is but she makes it look totally smooth and natural to my mother.

"Yeah and uh we're gonna go up to my room and hang out so…" I start but my mother seemed to lose me at, go up to my room.

"You can't bring a girl up there alone." My mom almost shrieks at me. _Crap. _I should have thought of that.

"It's okay we'll just hang out some other time. Bye Blake, bye Mrs. Jenner." Shanna waves as she heads for the door.

"I'll walk you out." I say as I follow her before my mom can say anything. I can feel my mom's watchful eyes follow me outside though. She's weird like that, any girl I hang out with instantly becomes the hoe that will deflower her son in her eyes. I'm really happy to close the door on my mom.

"Sorry about her." I apologize to Shanna after we're alone and making our way back to her car. "You don't have to go if you don't want too."

"No it's fine. I don't think you're mom likes me very much." Shanna says with a huff and a little frown across her face.

"It's not you. She gets that way with every girl. She doesn't like the idea of me…with girls in general." I explain and feel myself blush.

"But I've known you since forever. Does your mom really think something would happen between us?" Shanna asks with a giggle. I laugh too, the thought of being with Shanna in anyway besides friendship is just a hysterical idea.

"She thinks every girl is out there to deflower me." I explain blushing brighter.

"Ah so the handsome Blake Jenner still has his V card?" Shanna asks and my face burns even hotter.

"Shut up." I playfully push her as we finally reach her car. Right now I'm really hoping she won't follow up with questions.

"Alright well is Michael gonna be alright in your room and all?" Shanna asks, thankfully changing the subject.

"Yeah he'll be fine. I'll take him home later." It's actually a lie. I don't plan on taking him home. That weird part of me doesn't want me too and I don't see any real reason to deny it right now.

"Alright well, take care of him. He's been weird lately." Shanna says ominously.

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say, last night's party wasn't his first drink, or his first smoke of the night." Shanna explains and then pulls into her car and drives away. Leaving me to ponder what that means.


	8. Chapter 8

I sneak back into the house this time, avoiding my mom so she doesn't give me an impromptu sex talk. When I get back to my room Michael has woken up. He still seems a little groggy but definitely awake.

"Hey, are you okay?" I ask. I throw him a water bottle I snagged on my way up here. He lets it hit his side and makes a little noise.

"God I hate drinking!" He moans into his hand and flipping onto his stomach burying his face into my pillow.

"Shanna thinks you had a little more than the party." I state and wait for his reaction. He doesn't for a while.

"I'm never doing that again." He states but I know it is all talk. It's just the hangover hurting him. Keeping Michael away from a drink for too long could be unsavory.

"So why did Shanna seem to think you had so much before the party?" I edge on.

"It was just a little pre party. Garrett gave me some…" Michael explains but I cut him off at the mention of Garrett, Michael's stoner brother.

"You took something from Garrett. What?" I ask getting to my feet in the process and getting closer to Michael.

"Just a little…" He gives a sniff and I realize he was on coke. No wonder he was so hyper before the party.

"Dude!" I yell but then quiet myself so no one checks on me. "Why the fuck would you take something from Garrett?" I stand over him, glaring down at him.

"It was just to take the edge off."

"What Edge?" I ask, my voice rising. I can't believe it. I'm being a total hypocrite right now, I know that but I've heard of some of the stuff Garrett gets. It seriously messes you up and I wouldn't put it past Garrett to accidentally give Michael laced stuff. The thought of Michael dying…Fuck me. Fuck Garrett. Fuck Michael most of all.

"Just an edge I've been feeling." Michael says again. I run my fingers through my hair in frustration.

"Please don't take anything else from Garrett." I almost beg Michael. I really can't lose Michael like that. Ever.

"Okay fine. Now will you let me sleep?" He asks before pulling a pillow over his head and starting to fake snore.

Frustrated, now more than ever I decide to cool off for a while. I jump into a shower, long and hot to get all the party stink off me. I wash off my body and stray thoughts enter my mind. What can I say? I'm a dude. Thoughts of those two hot girls from last night fill my mind. I feel my little member stiffen as I replay their touch against me, how they grinded against me. And then Michael fills my mind. How he pulled me away as I got an erection, what I have now. Thoughts of his grinding against me, my erection rubbing into his…

I realize that I've been subconsciously masturbating this whole time. I want to stop because I can't get Michael out of my head and now I'm close to finishing. My body doesn't want to stop, it wants to finish and my mind seems set on thinking of Michael as I finish. Before I can even think of anything else I'm already finishing and my mind has shifted to our kiss during spin the bottle, that one weird second where I didn't want it to stop.

"Fuck!" I moan as I cum in the shower. The water cleans me up but the thoughts don't go away. I shift the shower too cold before my member can make any more sudden moves. I let it cool me off but right now I don't trust my thoughts. I rinse quickly and then get out of the shower.

"Shit. Crap. Fuck." I curse in frustration. I don't want to have these thoughts. Is it too much to ask to have a simple masturbation attempt without Michael ruining it? Why does my mind suddenly go there? It never went there before. Well except when we were kids and I first found out about gay people. But it was just to try it out and I wasn't really into it so it doesn't count as gay.

I try to forget about that as I wrap a towel around my waist and go back to my room to look for a shirt. I walk right to the dresser and pull out a shirt but I feel someone watching me. I remember Michael is here. I spin around and catch him peeking out of his pillow in my direction. I don't know what he was looking at but for a second before he recovered his face I could see a smile cross his face.

I look down at my body judgingly. I don't think I look bad. I haven't worked out in a few days. Not since football and that was a few days ago. My muscles still look good though, I still look good at least in my eyes. What the hell was Michael smiling at?

I try to hide my burning face and put on a plain white V-neck shirt as fast as possible. Maybe I got love handles over the weekend. I turn around and check to see Michael isn't watching. He seems to be under my pillow so I drop my towel and try to slip into my boxers but I accidentally drop them. I bend over to pick them up, as I do though I hear something. A snicker or giggle or something laugh-like come from Michael as my bare ass is exposed.

My face burns red. I shoot back up and slip into the boxers and stare right at the wall. I don't want Michael to see how badly I'm blushing right now. Why the hell was he laughing at me now? I seriously have to hit the gym or something soon.

As soon as I'm sure my face is clear I turn around and see Michael is now back under his/my pillow. I sigh in relief that he's not watching me or something and fall head first onto my bed right next to Michael. I have a Queen sized bed so it's enough space for both of us.

It's a little weird though. I sort of want to ask Michael what the hell is he laughing or giggling at but another part of my wants to bury myself under my blankets and hide from him as well. Why does his opinion matter so much to me? I'm going insane. I'm thinking too much, I need to drown my thoughts with video games or something.

I decide to drown out my thinking with some sleep, or at least an attempt because as I try to sleep my mind still wanders. I can't shake the sound Michael laughing at me. It makes me cringe in embarrassment. What makes it worse is that he's right next to me. My whole body is flooded in embarrassment then makes me want to punch Michael yet at the same time want to hide. That always seems to be the conflict in my body lately.

I hear another snicker. I think, crap I'm going crazy with all this. I really need to relax from all this. I decide to grab my iPod and blast some music to tune out everything. It works for a while until Michael starts twisting and turning on the bed. This is going to be a long night…

I wake up with something warm next to me. My legs are wrapped around it and it breathes into my face. I know from the second I go conscious that it's Michael. I mean I know I fell asleep with him in my bed so it has to be him, but still why are our legs twisted together? I really hope no one had a wet dream or something. I don't trust my own dreams at this point.

I slowly flutter my eyes open and there Michael is right next to my face. He's watching me though, just slightly his eyes are slits but I can tell he's watching and trying not to be caught.

"Take a picture. It'll last longer." I moan as I clear my throat and rub the sleep out of my eyes. Michael keeps up the act and flutters his eyes open like he just woke up.

"What?" He asks through a yawn but I'm not fooled. I know him too well at this point. I take my pillow and throw it at his face. He laughs into the pillow, dropping his guise and I end up laughing a little too. It's then thought that I realize my legs are still entangled with his, and when I shift around I feel my underwear is sticky again. _Fuck me._

I shift my legs apart as fast as possible, making Michael notice if he already hadn't. I feel my face burn at the thought of him noticing. Why does he do this to me? He's just Michael, my best friend. He shouldn't be any different to me, but yet every time I'm around him now I can't seem to stop thinking about him. He even invades my inappropriate places now.

The bad part is…a part of me wants him there. Not in a gay way, I think. No, I don't know maybe we just have grown so close that we are like this. It's not necessarily the first time we have been close but the kiss was definitely the most obvious thing between us. I think. I hope it is anyway.

A part of me will always love Michael. I'm just not sure if it's that kind of love or not. I'm really over analyzing this. I bet Michael doesn't give it a second thought. Though that could be all the drinks and coke he's been having.

I spend a little time getting up and readying Michael for the day. We decide to just say he slept at my house for the past few nights. It's worked before and it's sort of true anyway. After we get our story straight I ask for his clothes so I can wash them before he goes back. He seems all too eager to strip off his shirt and pants in front of me, and for a second I catch myself admiring his chest and abs. I quickly change my stare and take his clothes. Although before I can turn or look in any other direction Michael drops his dirty boxers revealing his…cock.

I'm too stunned to do anything. Michael doesn't seem to notice that I'm just standing there watching, unintentionally staring at his member. Michael comes back up and catches me staring. I gain my composure, not without a lot of blushing. I see him grinning at me, a big goofy grin across his face even though he's stark naked. How can he be smiling while I can't stop blushing? Not to mention trying desperately not to look anywhere near his body. It makes me mortified that he's naked in front of me but somehow he is fine with it.

"Can I borrow some clothes?" Michael asks through his big grin. He doesn't even make and attempt to cover up.

"Y…yeah," I stutter out. Finally it's too embarrassing for me and I shut my eyes. I feel backwards toward my dresser, toppling over old trophies and books. Michael laughs at me and I somehow feel even more mortified than before.

"Need some help?" Michael asks.

"Nope," I quickly answer, "No you stay right there, behind me." I finish and feel around my drawers for an old t shirt with a mountain on it for Michael and a pair of my checkered boxers.

"Keep them." I blindly throw them backwards then rush out of the room before I can see any part of Michael's genital, ever again. It's not like he doesn't haunt my intimate thoughts enough, now that I know what he looks like naked? I really wish I didn't know. I can't imagine it's a tiny little shriveled up thing because honestly it's not. Michael has a fairly large package, maybe bigger than mine. These thoughts feel weird, wrong to think about.

I don't think about it. I officially block and erase any memory from my mind and just take Michael clothes to the laundry room. It's still early so no one is up yet, thank god I don't have to explain Michael to anyone. Boy sleepovers got weird for everyone after the age of 8 and now I know why. When you have weirdness between your friends sharing a bed or even a room will only make it just that much awkward between you too.

After loading the laundry I grab some food, cereal and put some pop tarts in the toaster. I put on a pot of coffee and watch it slowly drip into the pot. I hear someone walk downstairs but I really don't feel like looking back.

"Here," Michael's voice. He puts something on my shoulder. I look down and see his underwear on my shoulder. I jump up in shock and pull the underwear as far away as possible.

"Aw gross." I try to give it back to Michael but he walks over to the kitchen table and grabs a pop tart that just finished.

"Thanks for washing it." Michael says through bites. I run to the laundry room to dispose of these foul things when a thought hits me. It's more of a test really, to see if it's just me or if he's been conflicted too. I take a peek inside the undies and feel around. It's disgusting to think about as I'm doing it but I do find what I'm checking for. His undies are sticky too.

I realize now though that his cum is on my fingers. I stifle as screech and drop the underwear in the washer then run to the kitchen sink to wash my hands.

"Thanks for letting me stay over." Michael calls from the table.

"Anytime." I call back as I finish washing, twice. I grab pop tart too and then take a seat next to Michael. "So how was your sleep last night?" I ask, secretly testing to see his reaction.

He hesitates just for a second before coolly saying, "Good." I nod.

"Good, good." I say back. I'm trying to figure out if he did dream about me last night. Given the whole bed incident not too long ago and the stickiness in his pants I'd say it's a safe bet. I think about out right asking him but I can see that ending weirdly. I could beat around the bush but I'm too curious to honestly wait very long.

"So what did you dream about last night?" I ponder further. He doesn't hesitate this time.

"I can't really remember what the specifics were. But it felt really good." Michael answers through another bite of the pop tart. Well crap, now I'll never know. "What about you?" I think for a second, what did I dream about? It seems cloudy, like a long lost memory. I can see people surrounding me. It's noisy and loud and making me uncomfortable. Then suddenly it's quiet and I can only see one person though I can't quite make out who it is. But I do feel totally comfortable now, completely relaxed and just happy. That's all I can make of it, I know there's more but anything else is completely forgotten by now.

"Uh nothing really," I answer hazily trying to distinguish who it was in my dream that made me feel like that. The feeling is warm and soft and sweet and I want it. I want to know who could make me feel like that.

"Oh shit," Michael suddenly moans. I jump a little at his outbreak and try to figure out what's his deal. "I just remembered its Monday. All my stuff's at home."

"We'll just head over there before school starts." I offer but Michael jumps from his chair and starts heading up the back door.

"I'll just head there now." Michael hollers back making me wince. He's gonna wake up everyone at this time.

"In my underwear?" I call back in a loud whisper. Michael comes to screeching halt and just now seems to notice he's in my underwear. He looks way more embarrassed than when he was naked.

"I'm gonna grab a pair of your pants okay?" He calls again making me flinch at how loud he is. He starts climbing the stairs until his footsteps eventually fade.

"You can just keep them." I call after him, this time all out shouting. If Michael hasn't woken everyone up yet I don't know what would.

Sure enough my mom comes into the kitchen in her bathrobe and her hair, a frizzy mess from sleep. She looks towards the back staircase and then to me. "Was that Michael I saw in your underwear?" I laugh at her actually saying it.

"He came over last night and he fell asleep." I answer vaguely.

"Tell me if Michael is going to stay over alright. Nothing happened last night…" My mom edges on. My face burns red but I keep my expression stunned to make a lie.

"What? Mom Michael's just my friend. What the hell would make you think that?" I ask lying my ass off, partly anyway. It's not untrue that nothing happened last night. But if she were to ask about the past week or so then I would definitely be lying my ass off.

Michael suddenly appears behind the back staircase and out the back door yelling bye on the way out. "Sorry I, I don't know what I was thinking." My mom apologizes but her face is almost glowing at any reassurance. I'm pretty sure she'll freak out if I ever bring anyone home past my twelfth birthday.

"Yeah, Michael's just my best friend. No homo though." And there is an actual lie.


	9. Chapter 9

When I finally get to school I find Michael hanging around the lockers talking to Maxfield. I feel something, something inside me that makes me walk right up to Michael and steal his attention as best I can.

"Here's your clothes back." I hand him the nice stack my mom had folded for me. Mortifying to have happened, but less work for me.

"Thanks," he says with a little smile and takes them. Suddenly I really wish Maxfield wasn't here so I could be alone with Michael. I don't even know what I would say if we were alone, every time I'm alone with Michael it feels so awkward. I never know what to say to him anymore.

"I'll see you later Michael." Maxfield thankfully leaves. I can't help smiling a little. When he's out of hearing range I start feeling less…less whatever it was inside of me.

"So you and Maxfield, I didn't know you were friends." I say checking to see his reaction. He doesn't, but just opens his locker.

"Yeah I guess. We started talking during the party." Michael answers. _The party where you kissed for about half a minute, _I can't help say in my head.

"Cool. So uh what are you doing after school?" I ask.

"I'm actually going to a thing with Maxfield." Michael answers and I feel some of my heart drop. Stupid emotions.

"What thing?" I ask anyway, hiding any stupid emotions.

"He's got this music thing that he wants me to go see." Michael says with a little smile. A mixture again, something flutters at his smile but something else drops dead at the actual sentence.

"Cool yeah. I was thinking of hanging out with Ailyn or something." I say, it's a lie but I guess that's what I'll do now.

"Great well uh I have to get to AP Calculus so I'll see you later." Michael smiles again before walking away. I do a little wave before banging the back of my head against the locker.

"Math nerd!" I call down the hall but in my mind it's something like._Get out of my head you stupid feelings!_ I whine hitting my head against the locker again. As I do Ailyn conveniently walks the way Michael went and I decide to flag her down.

"Hey Ailyn what are you doing today?" I ask trying to keep up with her brisk pace. Amazing she can move this fast in heels.

"Aw what's the matter? Big old Blake can't find a date?" Ailyn teases in a mocking baby voice. "I'm sorry hun but I'm taken."

"Ha, ha no, Michael blew me off so I figured it's time to reconnect." I explain.

"Oh I get it so I'm the backup plan."

"No I just haven't had a lot of time to hang out with you lately." I try to explain but feel like an ass.

"That still makes me a backburner friend. I have plans with Charlie after school but I guess you could tag along." Ailyn offers.

"Like a third wheel? No thank you."

"You can bring someone along. Show off the fact that you have no game." Ailyn teases again with a poke to my chest.

"Oh I have game. I have game coming out of my ears." I brag, it makes me feel like more of an ass the second I say it.

"Oh okay well I'll see you and your date later then." Ailyn says and then walks into a class leaving me alone to figure out a date.

I think it through. I could take a random girl. It'd be easy enough to find one, not trying to be arrogant or anything just stating the facts. Or I could take someone I do know. I think about asking Shanna, as a friend but something about what Ailyn says makes me think it could be interpreted as a date. Or Nellie but I don't really want to be seen as a couple with Nellie either for the same reason. That leaves Lily, she's sweet and I haven't had a good chance to see her since I saw her a week ago at the Reef. Plus I think she still has a crush on me so I'm betting she'll say yes.

I find her right before last period by her locker. I decide to just flat out ask and not beat around the bush. I pep myself up a little, a little extra confidence never hurt. As I get up to her though all of my confidence is shattered and I shift into that loser with his hands in his pockets not making eye contact while asking a girl out.

I build a little more confidence, enough to actually look her in the eye with an infectious smile. I pull up next to her just as she closes her locker and say, "_doyouwannahangoutlater?" _soft and mumbled like an idiot.

"What?" Lily asks peering closer as to hear better. I try to laugh it off.

"Would you like to hang out later?" I ask slower and clearer, thank god.

Lily's smile is instantaneous. I think he mouth my break off if she keeps that up. I hear a little squeal that could be something else, but I'm betting it was Lily.

"Really? I mean yeah sure I'd love to." Lily almost squeals again but regains some composure.

"Great. I'm hanging out with Ailyn and Charlie so I'll meet you in the parking lot after school." I clarify and to her dismay. Her face seems to droop a little, her smile falters but she still keeps up a half smile now. I feel like an ass, I guess she thought it would just be me and her.

"Oh, okay cool." She says a little sadder and walks off to her last class. I go to mine feeling like an ass again but also feeling a little guilty. I don't really want a relationship with Lily so I might be stringing her along which makes me a jerk.

I end the day feeling like an ass and in Calculus no less my day can't get much worse. It eventually ends though and I find myself waiting by Ailyn's Black Mustang after it's all over. Ailyn is there, snuggling Charlie no less as I pull up.

"Hey, where's your lady? Or have you really lost that much game?" Ailyn teases again.

"She's coming. Hi Charlie," I greet him. I've never really had a chance to talk to him either, maybe I can get to know him today.

"Hey Blake. Ailyn you didn't tell me there we're others coming." Suddenly I feel out of place. I sort of did blindside Ailyn with coming with them, whatever they were doing.

"Hey do you think Blake and his date could tag along for the movie?" Ailyn suddenly asks with a peck on Charlie's lips. I know from personal experience that Ailyn is an amazing kisser. Even a peck would change my mind from an action movie to a romantic comedy.

"Hmm I don't know…" Charlie edges on and I can see him begging for another kiss. Ailyn obliges, this time longer and with tongue so I turn away until they're done. "Well I guess if you put it that way they can come."

"You are such a boy." Ailyn laughs and playfully pushes Charlie toward the car. Just then I see Lily start to come towards the car. Something's different about her. I think she's wearing makeup.

"Oh so Lily is your date?" Ailyn asks when Lily approaches. "Aw how cute."

"Shut up." I mumble to Ailyn and smile as lily reaches us. Lily blushes which makes me, smile harder. "Hey Lily." I greet her with a little hug.

"Hey guys. So what are we doing?" She asks.

"We're going to see The Last Goodbye." Ailyn answers and I can see Charlie's smile falter. Mine sort of does too. It's supposed to be another romantic comedy like all the others. They're all so predictable at this point it's a wonder anybody goes.

"Alright well let's get going." I offer with a clap of my hand and slide my other arm around Lily. I open the back seat door for her like a gentleman.

"Why thank you."

"You're welcome," I say while closing the door. Ailyn and Charlie get into the front and I prepare my mind right now. No thinking about Michael, no talking about Michael, no saying the M word at all tonight.


	10. Chapter 10

"I still don't get it." Charlie repeats as we leave the theater.

"It's just always so good." Ailyn explains again.

"But don't you ever get tired of seeing the same thing happen again and again?" Charlie persists.

"It's never exactly the same thing." Lily argues. She takes another handful of popcorn. One thing about Lily she's not afraid to eat. She's cost me like 10 bucks on snacks, but what's a guy to do? Make her pay? Like that's not a douche bag move.

"But it is. There's always a hopeless romantic girl and a player guy. The girl turns the guy into a kind caring father or something by the end of the movie and they live happily ever after. It's happens every time." I point out.

"No not always." Ailyn argues back.

"What's the point of these movies? They're basically saying that all girls should turn guys into something they're not. That's not a good message for guys. No wonder no one single goes to these things." I argue again.

"If that's what you think. Ailyn I'm gonna use the bathroom." Lily says.

"Oh I'll come too." Ailyn offers and follows her through the food court to the bathroom leaving me alone with Charlie to get more food.

"So uh how are things with you and Ailyn?" I ask as we get in line for a pizza stand.

"Good I guess. She's a bit of a handful." Charlie says with a slight laugh.

"But worth it." I think back to the time when I sort of hanged out with Ailyn alone. We were never a couple, mostly because of her strict Muslim parents, but we had a moment where we got very close to being a couple.

"Yeah it's been good, although the bump and grind can be hard." Charlie edges on with a raise of his eyebrows.

"Get used to taking cold showers dating Ailyn." I tell him. I got used to it for a while.

"You dated Ailyn?"

"No. We were never really together but we sort of made a deal. When we were about twelve we agreed that if we turned fourteen and neither of us kissed anyone yet, we'd be each other's first kiss. We both hit fourteen and neither of us kissed anyone so we did it. After that we sort of grew closer for a while and there were more kisses but we never actually became a couple and eventually we just drifted into the friend zone. It's kind of why she likes to be flirty with me." I explain, reminiscing with the amazing kisses Ailyn gave.

"So you guys were together." Charlie asks.

"Well sort of." I answer feeling iffy about it.

"But you never broke it off." Charlie states.

"Well…I guess but we didn't really feel the need too. We weren't really together. It only lasted like a month or so and we started going back to friends really soon after the first time. The rest of the kisses were just sort of fun between us." I clarify as best I can. Now that I hear it, it does sound a little fishy.

"I get it." But Charlie sounds a little different now. He looks at me from up to down like he's judging me. I try to stand a little taller, which isn't hard because I'm already taller than Charlie. I don't want Charlie to think that I'm a threat to him and Ailyn though. That wouldn't be cool for Ailyn.

"Hey guys," The girls come back just at that moment and I realize what I have to do. As Lily approaches I grab her by the hip and lean down to lay a kiss on her. I start of soft, just brushing our lips together. It's the first time I've kissed Lily so I want it to be nice and sweet. But I also don't want to just peck her. After I get a second of feel for it I get deeper into it, even slipping in some tongue when I feel right. Before I feel like I'm groping her though I pull away and smile down at her. The kiss wasn't bad just not amazing either, just average but I put on a broad smile anyway to keep up the act.

Lily though has on the broadest smile. From ear to ear about to fall off her face, which is as red as a cherry. Suddenly I feel guilty. I think she still has a crush on me. If she does I'm just stringing her along for selfish reasons. I drop my hand from her hip but don't lose my smile, I want to appease Charlie but try not to string Lily along too much.

"Okay then." Ailyn laughs, "Are you two a couple now or something?" I look to Charlie and I see him expecting something. I can't say that, I can't or I'll string Lily along and this weird guilt can't take that.

"I don't know." I decide but it still feels wrong.

"Yeah, um that was fun, Ailyn can I talk to you for a second?" Lily pulls Ailyn off to the side for a sidebar and I think of how to not string Lily**ANY** further while still putting Charlie's mind at ease.

"So you and Lily huh?" Charlie says with a bit broader smile. I can definitely tell he was jealous or envious or some emotion but kissing Lily worked to put that at ease. Possibly at the expense of Lily's heart soon.

"Oh well I don't know. I'm not sure I like Lily like that." I try to brush it off.

"So you just go around kissing every girl." Charlie jokes but I think there's an edge to his voice. _No, because I thought it through, _I groan in my mind.

"No I mean it is a date so I thought maybe. And Lily's a really good kisser too so." I lie. I guess she could be a good kisser. But honestly I didn't really feel a spark between us when I kissed her. Not enough to keep any kind of attention.

"Cool man." Charlie pats me hard on the back. I think he meant it to be softer, but then again maybe not. Finally we reach the beginning of the line. I just order a medium pepperoni pizza. Charlie orders a supreme and we take a number and wait by the done side.

"Hey guys." Lily and Ailyn come back after their little girl talk.

"Hey, how was your little chat?" I ask trying to keep distance from Lily. She makes an effort to get closer though. Unless I want to physically push her away I have to settle for our shoulders touching.

"Productive, I'd say." Lily answers me with another blushing smile which makes me worry. I have to end this thing before it really begins.

"Yeah productive, Lily and I were wondering, what if we all went together to the Katy Perry concert next week?" Ailyn asks with a little squeal at the end. Girls do that, they make it sound exciting to try to trick guys into thinking they want to go.

"Yeah sure," Susceptible Charlie, I though still don't want to string Lily along.

"No I don't think I can. I have to um, I have plans with Michael that night." I explain.

"We didn't tell you what night it is." Ailyn points out getting closer to me. She thinks I'm fibbing, which she's right.

"Well what night?" I ask.

"Friday," Ailyn says.

"Oh well I can't" I lie again.

"Is the day before the concert." Ailyn counters, crap.

"Oh I'm booked then too. In fact I'm busy that whole weekend, sorry." I lie again feeling like a total ass.

"Sidebar?" Ailyn asks tugging my arm of behind a pillar.

"Ow," I wince at how strong she's gotten. Her face looks steaming but I can see her trying to control it.

"That's total BS." Ailyn accuses.

"Okay it is." I confess feeling a little relief from all the lies.

"So? Why did you lie?" Ailyn pushes me back against the wall. She definitely has gotten stronger since she last hit me.

"It's nothing personal. I just…I can't string Lily along like that." I explain.

"What do you mean? I thought the kiss was real?" Ailyn pushes me again. I deserve it.

"It wasn't okay. I was talking to Charlie and we somehow got to how you and I used to…you know." I explain feeling like a perv for bringing it up at all.

"So what? We broke up a long time ago." Ailyn throws her hands in the air in frustration.

"No we didn't, we never broke up we just drifted apart." I explain.

"No, I asked Michael to tell you that I met somebody else. I didn't want to break up with you in person." Ailyn explains and I feel a tiny stab in my heart. I didn't want the M word here today.

"What? Michael never told me shit." I recall and I realize that he never told me. Why did he never tell me?

"Well I asked him to, I don't know why he didn't." Ailyn explains but then it hits me that she thought we were together. Maybe we were, I didn't think so though. We never really did anything but hang out and occasionally hold hands.

"Wait you wanted to break up? We weren't together." I say holding my ground on that statement.

"Oh so I just made out with every boy I came up to? No, I only kissed you because I thought we were together. I asked Michael to break up with you for me."

"Wimp." I tease but it still stings a little to know she would break up with me. Not that we were together.

"So you don't like Lily?" Ailyn asks, her voice is pleading.

"Not in that kind of way." I say as nicely as possible but it still makes me feel like an ass.

"Well…just tell Lily then. I'll distract Charlie at the end of the date." Ailyn directs.

"What am I supposed to do until then? I don't think I can kiss her again." I admit.

Ailyn seems to think for a while. "Okay…I'll tell her you have herpes on your mouth."

"What?" I ask trying to see if she is really insane.

"I don't know. Unless you just want to tell her now, good luck." Ailyn says and walks back to Lily and Charlie before I can pull her back. I silently curse her and begrudgingly walk back to them.

"What did you guys talk about?" Charlie asks as I get back. I share a look with Ailyn before just saying.

"Nothing," Lily takes this as a cue to try to scoot closer to me and take my hand. I casually slip away and end up almost behind Ailyn. She shoves me back in Lily's direction and the problem starts all over again.

The rest of the date is like that, me trying to keep some distance from Lily to not lead her on. It's hard though, Lily is nothing if not persistent. I'm pretty sure she tried to follow me into the bathroom at one point, although to be fair I went in there more than once to keep some space. I kept my distance until the end of the date Ailyn dropped Lily off at her house and I knew this is the time to set her straight before Charlie can notice.

"Can we talk for a second?" I ask and pull her onto the wooden bench she has on her porch. She is still blushing like a tomato. I think she has had a residual blush ever since I kissed her.

"This was fun right?" I can hear pleading in her voice. I have to be careful with what I say here. "Can we do it again?"

"Look the thing is…I can't." I say vaguely. I've never been all that great at breaking up with girls.

Lily's face deflates and she takes a sudden interest in the ground. "Oh," I can hear the disappointment in her voice.

"You're an amazing girl. Any guy would be lucky to have you but honestly I don't think I'm the guy for that." I say as nicely as possible.

"Okay um," I can hear her sniffle and wipe at her red eyes.

"It's just that…there's someone else." I somewhat lie. I do not really want to date right now. Not with my confused mind and either way I still just don't see Lily as anything other than a friend. But somehow saying it like that makes me feel even worse.

"So you just kissed me, what? For kicks?" She asks her voice growing louder.

"I'm sorry." I apologize but she rises to her feet and the sad face turns into a malicious one.

"No, no screw you. Go to hell Blake." Lily calmly curses before storming into her house with a slam of the door. I sit for a little longer and wallow in my stupidity. I should have never strung her along, even if it was to help someone else. Now I've just hurt her and lost her as a friend, probably for good.


	11. Chapter 11

Ailyn drops me off home with a few words of encouragement that Lily and I would be fine, but I know that Lily will probably not forgive me anytime soon. Maybe never forgive me. I deserve that. With a sad guilty feeling in my chest I march back into the house and up to my room before my parents can notice me coming in.

As I reach my room I heave a sigh of relief and start to strip off my shirt. Although as I do I hear a squeak from my bed. I spin around and find Michael playfully throwing a ball in the air as he's lounged across my bed.

"Nice." Michael looks over to me and examines my bare torso. Suddenly I feel self-conscious and fold my arms across my chest.

"What the hell are you doing in here? Don't you have your own house?" I ask trying to quickly go to my dresser and get a different shirt.

"Eh more or less. I asked Maxfield to drop me off here," Then I recall how they had a plan or something together. "I'm sorry I couldn't hang out today."

"It's cool. How was your uh…thing with Maxfield?" I ask as I find a clean white shirt.

"The band was amazing. They're sound was just…amazing. I actually got to play for them." Michael says with a tiny smile plastered onto his face.

"So why are you here again?" I ask as I strip out of my jeans and into some basketball shorts.

"Don't get all hung up on it, but I missed you today. I figured we could hang out now." Michael explains and I feel something inside me lift up, but I could see a flaw in his plan.

"I missed you too but you want to hang out at…" I check my watch. "8:30?" Michael shrugs. "Are you avoiding your family again?" I ask while plopping down next to Michael on my bed.

"Maybe. Maybe I just missed your floppy hair." He answers running a hand through my hair and messing it up. We both find ourselves laughing as I push his hand away.

"Well I'm afraid that you'll have to deal with your family eventually." I persist and try to get him to admit it. The thing about Michael's family is they're well off. They live in a better part of the city. They have a big house that I used to be jealous of. His dad is the head of some big law firm in town. Along with that he has a MILF of a mom and an all-star brother who went to a big school to play football. All of that is on the surface.

Dig a little further and you find a dad who is at work all day and spends only about 150 days a year with Michael. A mother who has been to rehab for a drinking problem more times than Michael can remember. A brother, who smokes pot, does coke and probably cooks meth in his spare time, one that will probably end up in the newspaper for winding up dead in a bathtub. And finally Michael, who hasn't had a birthday since he was four, hasn't had a parent to bring to open house since he was seven, and has been sleeping at my house on and off since we were nine.

"Dad's still on business for the rest of the week, or maybe month and Mom is in the living room, wasted on tequila. So unless you really want me to go back there I'm gonna hangout with you for the rest of the night." Michael claims before turning his back to me and pulling the comforter over his body. I notice Michael's bag in the corner of my room, I don't think this will be a one night thing.

"Okay then." I agree and jump out of the bed. "I'm gonna get a snack want something?"

"Whatever you want," Michael mumbles.

"Okay." I agree but on my way out Michael speaks up again.

"Thanks for this Blake." I can't help but smirk a little.

"Anytime," I promise before shutting the door.

I find my mother at the kitchen table sipping from a steaming mug and reading a Dave Ramsey book. Weird sight for 8:30 at night. I walk around her and fill up on snacks, chips, waters, cookies. I stock up as much as I can carry before setting it all on the table and sitting across from my mom.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask interlocking my fingers and fiddling around with them.

She looks up from her book and gives me a concerned mom look. "What is it honey? Drugs?"

"No," I blindly answer.

"Failing out of school?" She goes on with the usual.

"No," She relieves a heavy sigh and gives me a stern mom look.

"Sex?" She asks the final one which makes me cringe a little. I'd rather tell my mom I'm hooked on crack or that I'm flunking out before I ever tell her I lose my virginity.

"No mom. I just wanted to ask you…Can Michael stay over tonight?"

"Again?" She asks with a new concerned look.

"It's been a bad day." I argue hoping for her to just say yes and I can move on.

"He stayed here yesterday. Doesn't he have his own home?"

"You know why he doesn't stay there." I point out hoping to still quickly finish this talk.

"Yes and I still think there is a better solution for that than Michael to stay up in your room every night. Especially now that you're both fully grown." She looks me up and down like she's checking for my virginity.

"What do you think we'd do up there?" I ask with a laugh. I try to picture what my mom would think, a whole list of dirty things come to mind. I bet she thinks that Michael would defile me in my sleep or something. In all honesty that might be true.

"I don't know. You never know with that mother of his…" She goes off on a little rant about how unfit of a mother she is. Honestly she is but if anybody were to say that to Michael he'd knock their teeth out. Say anything about his family, no matter how dysfunctional they are and he'd knock everybody's lights out.

I used to do that for him. Some kids used to pick on Michael when they heard about his screwed up family. I remember one bad time when Rick Kirkawitz actually started to punch Michael. He called him a crack baby and that his mom didn't love him. I was watching from the side line as Michael bled and something inside me broke. I couldn't bear to see Michael like that so I went straight up to Rick and nailed him in the jaw. It was worth the detention for a month to see Rick cry. After that Michael and I got closer, we became best friends and he never got picked on again. I threatened to punch anybody who even tried.

I smile every time I think of Michael's face as I wailed on Rick. Like a kid on Christmas day, priceless. Ever since that day I get a little smirk whenever I see Michael smile. Sometimes just seeing Michael can make me grin.

"Blake?" Mom asks and I realize she's done ranting.

"Yeah okay but can he stay here?" I ask hoping she doesn't go off on another rampage. She seems to consider it for a moment.

"I suppose it's okay." She agrees and I can't keep from grinning. I walk over her and plant a kiss on her head.

"Thanks mom." I grab my snacks and head back upstairs before she can consider taking it back. I find Michael now laid out on my bed looking through a book he must have gotten off the shelf.

"You read Classics?" He asks with a laugh and showing me my copy of Dracula.

"What? I can't read?" I ask taking the book from his hands and placing it back on the shelf. Then I fall next to him into bed.

"Nope. You have to be a dumb jock, no reading allowed."

"Very funny. So I was meaning to ask you how was it with Maxfield? How'd it go with him?" I ask sheepishly.

"You already asked me that." Michael points out.

"Well yeah but you guys went to a band. How was it?" I ask again feeling like an idiot.

"It was good. The band was awesome. I'm thinking about hanging out with Maxfield again sometime." Michael states and I feel a pricking somewhere inside. "How was your date again?"

"It was fine I guess. I took Lily out with Ailyn and Charlie. Sort of a double date." I say it nonchalantly but secretly I watch his reaction.

"And how was that?" Michael asks.

"Well I kissed her." I push it and it happens. Quickly and barely but I see his eyebrows knit and a look of anger written across his face. He turns it back to normal and just nods in my direction before turning his head so I can't see it very well. _Shit. _I don't know how to take that. It feels like every conversation I try to have with Michael nowadays I'm checking his reaction. Like he's some time bomb I might set off if I say the wrong words.

He takes an audible gulp before speaking. "Yeah?" He doesn't look at me and I feel like I betrayed him somehow. Which is insane, why do I feel this way? It's not right, I shouldn't have these feelings for Michael. I just miss him, that's it.

"Yeah she was good." I say casually but now I can't see his reaction to this.

"That's…that's great um I'm gonna go to bed night." He says suddenly and pulls the cover over himself and turns his back to me. He shuts off the lamp on his side and is silent for the rest of the night. I don't try to talk to him, I know he won't talk now.

I don't know what his problem is. No I do know his problem. His problem is that kiss, it fucked everything up. It probably doesn't help that I didn't pull away sooner. Or that I got injured in that. Or that we shared a bed, twice and kissed another time even if that was just for a second. What I wouldn't do to take it all back.

I'm up most of the night trying to piece together a plan to save my drowning friendship. I can't lose Michael, not as a friend. I can't, something inside me feels like its breaking because I'm losing Michael as a friend and that scares me. How much I care about Michael though scares me the most.


	12. Chapter 12

_Just a quick one_, Michael thinks. _It'll only take a second and then I can sleep. _He tells himself as he stares at them. He thinks about how red they are and how they shift just slightly as Blake snores. How they just lay there, big beautiful lips that he's so damned proud of. Big beautiful lips that just lay there waiting to be kissed.

He's been staring at him for most of the night. After Blake told him about Lily something went off inside of him that he needed to control. He just needed a while to calm down and not punch Blake in the face. How dare he kiss her, and how dare he even think of doing that. And he called them good, good like it isn't abhorrent to think of.

For years, Years he's waited to kiss Blake. He waited two years of pining and longing to just touch those lips and it was…everything he wanted. Everything and more. All the wet dreams and fantasies were amazing but the reality was indescribable. He could never imagine how soft those lips were, or how skilled a kisser Blake is. Or how warm his mouth was, and how warm his body was, even covered in sweat from the run.

And the next kiss they had. He didn't even know how to describe that. He prayed to god that the bottle would just land on Blake, and it did. It landed right on him, maybe it was the slight calculation he did before hand to try to get it to land on Blake but still. His lips then, when he wasn't tired or sweaty, he may have been high but when his lips touched Blake's all of that all seemed to fade away and leave him on cloud nine. That one second was so powerful and full of ecstasy that he couldn't handle it. He had to end it or his erection would have shown, and if he had kept kissing Blake he didn't think he'd be able to stop. He didn't care about coming out or labels, he just wanted Blake to want him too.

So just one quick one. He needs that high again, even a second of it, it's all he craved. In the darkness it's hard to tell where his big soft, hopefully wet lips are. Eventually he figures it out and decides to just do it._Now, don't be a pussy._

He eagerly leans in and plants a soft, wet gentle kiss atop of Blake. Even asleep his lips seem to understand what to do. Michael licks his lips and plants a second kiss, soaking up the ecstasy. His heart fills up with joy but a heat builds up in Michael's stomach. A hot heat that just wants to kiss and kiss and kiss Blake until his lips fall off. Michael does something daring and licks Blake's lips to wet them. The heat isn't satisfied though. Michael slips his hands behind Blake and tried to pull him closer as he kisses the unconscious boy.

Before Michael can control himself he finds himself kissing Blake's soft, smooth cheeks. Kissing his jaw line, even nibbling on his neck. He can't help himself, Blake's scent is intoxicating. His hair smelled like vanilla, invigoratingly sweet. His body smelt like a man, sort of musky and manly but sweet and savory at the same time. How could Blake be this perfect?

Michael can't control himself anymore, it takes all and more willpower that Michael can muster in order to pull away from Blake at all. It takes even more to be able to straighten out his hair and let his heart rate slow down before turning and praying for another chance to kiss Blake.

Turning and praying is all Michael can hope to accomplish. Michael doesn't sleep that night, sleep seems like an impossible feat after losing control like that. Kissing Blake, even unconscious was a totally hot sensation that gave Michael the hardest boner of his life.


	13. Chapter 13

I felt it. Not at first, I thought I was dreaming for a while. It was a weird dream, I felt like someone was kissing me, it was hazy at first. Their lips were soft and playful against mine as they kissed me. I felt such a thrill running through my body lighting my senses on fire and boiling my blood making it pump violently in my veins. It was when something scratched against my upper lip that I suddenly realized I wasn't dreaming, no matter how good it felt.

Michael's stubble was digging into his kisses, scratching me but at the same time thrilling me, and making me crave more. I didn't open my eyes but I became conscious somewhere in between Michael working on my lips to my neck. I couldn't think what to do. My body was mostly in agreement to kiss him back. My body wanted to wake up, grab Michael by the hips and thrust as hard as possible. My brain on the other hand was on overdrive trying to think of a reason, any reason for Michael to do this in my sleep. When none came my brain came to decision that Michael was asleep again and this was some weird wet dream or something.

I steeled my resolve to just stay still until Michael finished until it actually happened. At which point I almost made a noise, a weird primal noise that simply said, _don't stop. _I stifled the noise though and held still but that part of me was still hoping and praying that Michael would plant just one, just one more kiss. It didn't even have to be on my lips, anywhere would be fine, just one more kiss. **PLEASE.**

It didn't happen though. Michael chooses to fall asleep now. I guess he's contempt after he's had his nightly groping session. _This is just a regular thing between Michael. I just have to sleep on the floor tomorrow. _My brain works out and I decide to go through with it tomorrow. Tonight my other side takes over control of my thoughts though and keeps praying for just one more kiss.

I don't sleep for the rest of the night. I sort of rest in a haze as my mind races at a million miles an hour. _Why did I like it? Why did he even do it? Where does this leave us? _So many stupid, emotional thoughts…fucking hormones. So instead of sleep I just lie there for the night, staring at Michael as he slept. I caught myself more than once staring at his lips, admiring how red they are, how soft they look, the cute noises that come out.

_Did I just call Michael cute? Yes, Michael is cute, he's always been cute. It's nothing to think about, he's just always been cute. It's just how he's smaller and has a cute little face. With cute kissable lips… _Fucking hormones. It seems like every time I stop actively thinking my brain just shifts into a Michael zone.

I spend the rest of the night trying to keep from thinking any other revealing thoughts about Michael. I turn to face my alarm clock and watch as it slowly ticks away. 12:00, 1:00, 2:00. The hours seem to tick so slowly, I want to sleep but I can't, if I sleep I'm afraid of where my mind will drift off to. 3:00, 4:00, 5:00.

At this point I consider six hours staring at the alarm long enough. I slowly creep out of bed trying to be as ninja as possible. I avoid stepping on anything as I tip toe to the door. I peek over my shoulder as I reach it. I catch Michael snoring into my pillow. He takes in a deep breath and out comes a cute little snore, like a pig. Something rises in my chest as I fight the urge to grin I back out before anything else does happen in the fucking room.

That conflicted feeling starts up again and I fight the urge to punch the wall. Suddenly I feel happy about kissing Michael but another part of me is disgusted and wants to kick his ass. I can't decide who to listen to and this internal conflict is really starting to make me want to shower.

Instead I head downstairs and fall onto the couch and try to get at least some sleep. I think I manage to doze off but it feels like only a second. The next second I feel someone tugging on me. A groan escapes my lips and I try to shove the person's face back. Before I do though there's a hard hit to the side of my head and I fall off the couch. I let out a moan and try to recuperate from my fall. I spin on my back to look at the fucker who knocked me over.

I see its Michael and for a second I don't feel as angry and I want to resist the urge to shove him back. But I fail in my attempt. I jump to my feet and grip Michael by the neck of his shirt. I drag him down onto the couch with me falling on top of him and pinning his arms down above his head. I threw my legs and pinned his down so now he was completely at my mercy.

Suddenly I realized how awkward our position was. While pinning him I could only keep myself a few inches above his face, and the fact that we were only in our undies made pinning his legs down feel awkward. If I shifted my hips I'm pretty sure I could rub his groin. I felt his breathing increase as he struggled against my hold making him breathe harder also making me struggle to keep him pinned down. After he seemed to realize he couldn't beat me we sort of settled into our position.

"What the fuck?" I ask trying to remember how I got here, and not focus on Michael's big shiny eyes.

"What the fuck were you doing on the couch?" Michael asks back. Suddenly my face burns again and I freeze as I think of what to say. _How about how you had a nice make out session with me in my sleep, and the scary fact that I didn't want to do anything about it. _I whine in my mind but I'm not willing to go there right now.

"You were taking up the whole fucking bed." I decide and squeeze his wrists to get a cringe out of Michael. "And I know how to punish you." I edge on with a grin. Michael seems to realize what I mean a second too late. I let go of his wrists and unpin his legs. I quickly reach for Michael's armpits. Before I even touch him he cracks up laughing, after I touch him though his face burns red and he laughs so hard I'm afraid he's not breathing. It's kind of easy to get back at a ticklish person.

"No…No stop please!" Michael pleads as I move to his stomach and ribs. The thing about Michael is if I start to tickle him touching him anywhere suddenly makes him ticklish. I could touch his face and he'd crack up.

"Why are you ticklish?" I ask one hand going or his exposed neck now and another going for his knee. It makes him laugh worse, hunching over and starting to couch and laugh at the same time.

"No…Yes okay yes please stop!" Michael admits and fights to push me away but I act like a wall.

"Yes Blake, please stop." My mom's voice comes from behind and I freeze in place. I look up and see her standing over the couch looking down at me and Michael in this compromising position, in our underwear no less. Not exactly how a good Christian boy acts with his best friend in my mom's eyes. I nearly jump off Michael and scramble as far as I can to the end of the couch. Michael shoots up too and seems to be on page with the distance thing.

"Mmom? Wwhat are you doing up?" I ask in stutters. She glares down at me with a concerned mom look.

"I could ask the same thing to you? What's…What's going on here?" She asks making her way to the front of us. I chance a look at Michael who has taken a sudden interest in the ground.

"We were just fooling around." I answer automatically. I put on an innocent smile and pray she doesn't pry any further. She just looks between us for a few seconds before sighing.

"Whatever you're doing can you please be quiet? Your father has work tomorrow and you have school in…" She looks at the wall clock. "Three hours. Go to sleep because you're not missing school." She looks at Michael, "If you're going to stay here please listen to a few simple rules."

"Yes Ma'am" Michael says instantly still not making eye contact with me or my mom. Mom sighs again and walks off back to her room. I let out a relieved sigh as I hear the door shut and instantly look to Michael, but he's not there. The couch is mysteriously empty, along with the rest of the room. I hear a door click and jump to my feet and run to the back door.


	14. Chapter 14

In my rush outside I slam the door right into Michael and jump back as he cries in pain. "What the hell are you doing out here?" I ask checking Michaels head to see if he's bleeding. He shrugs my hands away and gives me a dirty scowl.

"You really want to know why I'm here?" Michael asks and I nod begging for some answer. I open my mouth to say yes but am cut off. Cut off by Michael's lips crashing into mine, sending us both falling back into the door but that doesn't stop Michael. His hands are on my arms holding me down in a firm hold. He has me pinned against the door as I start to lose control myself.

At first I resist the kiss. But as he holds it I quickly lose the will to fight. My stiff body relaxes against Michael's touch. My heart seems to beat faster as I start to kiss back, turning my head to get in deeper.

"Please don't stop this. I've waited five years for this." Michael pleads against my lips before touching his tongue to my lower lip, demanding entrance. My mouth instantly opens and our two tongues battle for dominance in my mouth. He comes out victorious but somehow I don't seem to mind. I find my hands traveling up Michael back, lifting him up some so we're equal height. My fingers start to play with his baby soft hair.

All the while my head is just going, _Fuck, fuck, fuck…Michael is a good kisser. _That part of me that wants to fight this has lost his will as Michael nibbles into my lower lip and pulls back. It stings but a good pain, a pain that makes me want more. He unlatches my lip, leaving some indentions. I think the will to fight is lost as soon as Michael's tongue goes over the bite marks.

My blood starts to pump faster as I begin to go lightheaded. My only thought is on kissing Michael. Trying to pull him as physically close as possible, thank god we're in our undies. I wrap a leg around his trying to squeeze him as tight as possible to make sure this never ends.

Michael's hands start to roam now that's he's figured out I'm not about to stop this. One ends up in my hair taking a big chunk and pulling, not too hard but enough to feel that same kind of hot pain. My head leans back exposing my neck, Michael jumps right in kissing right under my jaw. Moving the kisses around, when he hits a spot near the edge of my jaw an involuntary moan escapes me.

"Do it again." I beg. Michael grins, ear to ear and goes for that same spot. Another moan escapes me as ecstasy fills my veins from that kiss.

"God I love you." Michael breathes and suddenly I freeze. That word, _Love. _Suddenly that one side of me comes back and I realize how exposed we are at my back door where anyone could walk by. I drop Michael and start to pull way unable to face him with the awful thoughts I just had._But were they awful? A second ago they were pure pleasure coursing through my veins making me feel…alive. _But that side is suddenly loud in its will to stay away from Michael.

Without thinking I slip back inside my house and run straight for the downstairs bathroom. I lock the door behind me and to the toilet. A part of me feels like it's gonna be sick, thinking of Michael as cute or hot or sexy. I don't puke but I stay near the toilet, afraid it'll happen again as I can't shake the thoughts. Thoughts of how warm and safe Michael felt in my arms, how my skin tingled at his touch. How lightheaded and happy I felt when I kissed him, or he kissed me, which way was it? Does it matter? I kissed a dude either way I…I really want to do it again. _No, no that's wrong. You're not supposed to think of Michael like that!_ I nearly scream in my head. I grip my hair and pull as hard as I can, trying to yank the taboo thoughts from my head. I pull and tear until I nearly rip my hair out and unexpectedly I start crying.

I'm so confused right now. Suddenly I don't see Michael as a friend anymore. I see him as…something else. Something I really want all to myself, like a piece of candy I want to hoard. _I want it but I don't want to deal with it._That makes some sense I guess, I want it. I can admit that. But I can also admit that some part of me is grossed out by the thought of kissing Michael, or at least conflicted with the other part of me that wants nothing more than to kiss Michael Weisman all day long.

Is this what they mean by confused guys? I guess but why am I confused? I've never done anything else with any other guys so does that make it okay? Is it okay at all to like Michael as anything more just because of our genders? Why are there so many confusing questions right now?

_Ugh. _I sigh frustrated and tired of crying and pulling my hair and feeling frustrated. I'm tired of feeling like this. I just want this to have never happened. I want to have never thought of Michael as anything other than my best friend. But does he still think of me like that? What is going on in his head? I'm pretty sure most of our kisses have been initiated by him so what is going on in his mind? Is he…thinking about me? Why does that bug me so much if he is? It makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.

I'm not sure how long I spend in the bathroom. It feels like hours of just sitting and thinking. Trying to somehow process my feelings for Michael. Feelings, what a fucking messed up word. All my feelings are, are a bunch of mush and anger and flutters thrown together like a meatloaf and left to cook inside me.

Eventually I do get out of the bathroom, I check to make sure I'm alone before trying to be as quiet as possible up the stairs. I keep checking over my shoulder expecting Michael, or worse my mother to be behind me. I manage to make it to my room unnoticed and when I get there I notice Michael's bag is gone. I feel a lump in my chest as I caused that. Did I screw up our friendship too?


	15. Chapter 15

I don't see Michael for the rest of that week. And that seems like a considerable feat considering we share about four classes. He's out 'sick' all week. At least that's what everyone else thinks, but I know he's avoiding me.

But I don't dwell on that. I try to get lost in football and Glee. That's all there is for now until my other sports pick up. It's enough to distract myself from my Michael slump, but all the football and Glee in the world can't change my mood. Not enough to cover up how unfocused I am. It becomes pretty obvious when I can't catch shit at practice, and forget the words to my duet with Nellie in Glee. I'm having an off week because of Michael. Fuck that, I'm having an off month because of Michael.

It definitely doesn't go past Shanna's head as she stops me at the end of Glee practice. She manhandles my arm on our way back and drags me to the corner of the room. "Ow, Jesus. What are you doing?" I ask looking over at everybody else leaving.

She gives me a sympathetic look that makes some part of me droop a bit. "What's going on Blake? You've been a downy drooper all week. And where is Michael? What has been going on between you two?" Shanna piles them on one after another and I wonder all these things too. I just can't tell her that. Not with her southern Christian business, I doubt she'd be okay with me questioning…things.

"Michael's sick." I relay the lie but she just scowls at that.

"All week? What's he even sick with?"

"Typhoid?" I almost ask, spitting out the first thing that comes to mind. "Massive diarrhea and vomiting on his end." I lie, I'm not sure if that's the right disease but hopefully Shanna doesn't either.

"So why have you been such a downer?" Shanna persists and I struggle to think up a good lie. It would be so much easier if I could just tell the truth.

"I'm just…stressed. A lot's been going on and it's starting to add up." I lie, it's not very concrete but I'm not very good thinking on my feet.

"I have never heard you forget the lyrics to a song before. Let alone in front of everyone else." Shanna scolds.

"Maybe I'm not so perfect. Maybe I'm just as fucked up on the inside as everyone else." I beat on myself, and right now that is how I feel. I feel F-ed up big time.

"Maybe you just need a break. Relax a little. I think you could drop one varsity letter and still make it to college." Shanna tries but it won't help. Not with what I'm dealing with right about now.

"I'll think about that. Right now I kind of just want to be alone okay?" I ask and walk out before Shanna can respond. I know she's just trying to help but honestly, no one can help me. Well that's not true, I know one person who can help me sort out all this crap.

I've made the trip to Dominion Crossing several times in my life. Not many walking the whole way but right now I don't have a car and I can't bum a ride all the way out here without everyone automatically knowing where I'm going. So instead I catch a bus from the school and ride it about fifteen minutes away from Dominion Crossing's gate. It's a good time to think of what I'll say when I get there because right now I'm speechless.

At the gate I see an overweight security guard reading a newspaper. I clear my throat to get his attention. He gives me a double take, as though I might be some hoodlum trying to break into people's houses. I tell I'm here to see the Weisman's. He rings them up on the phone and for a second I'm nervous that they won't let me in. That I came all this way for nothing. But the guard clears me and lets me through, much to my relief.

It's strange walking through Dominion Crossing. The houses all seem bigger, and better over here. The grass is greener I guess. These people do have more money than I do. I wonder why Michael never seems to like to spend time here. They seem to have all the commodities. Just inside the gates there's a private bar, a grocery store, movie rental, even a subway. If I could live here I wouldn't spend nearly as much time at my neighborhood, not sure why Michael does.

Eventually I find Michael's house, a little bigger than those surrounding it. It's a stone house, big, about two stories. A long paved driveway with a fountain near the entrance and several expensive cars. Beyond the house is forest that seems to go on for miles along with a lake not too far from the house. It looks like the suburban dream, to bad I know what's on the inside.

I spend a few minutes mustering up the courage to just barge in. A while back Michael gave me a key, his mom didn't really seem like the answer the door type. I play around with the key, Michael trusted me a lot to give this to me. And now I feel like I don't deserve that trust. I keep hurting Michael, I wonder if I'm even really his friend anymore.

After what feels like hours of contemplating I charge in. I find Michael's mom asleep on the couch. She's beautiful, it makes sense where Michael would get his looks, but the alcohol has taken its toll, tearing the beauty out of a women and replacing her with…something else. I pick a tequila bottle out of her sleeping hands and place it on the end table. And now I remember why Michael would spend so much time at my house.

The house starts to feel like a maze as I'm lost in my thoughts, but somehow I manage to get upstairs to the second floor and I find the black door that leads to Michael's room. I take a deep breath before entering. I'm about to knock when I hear something, a piano playing softly from inside. I hesitate and listen to the familiar tune. It's faint but I can just make out Michael's angel like voice as he sings along with it. Lucky, by Jason Mraz.

_Lucky I'm in love with my best friend,_

_ Lucky to have been where I have been,_

_ Lucky to be coming home again,_

_ OoooooOoooo_

I catch him at the end of the song but it's enough to know something. Michael is definitely not sick. It could be a coincidence, but somehow I just know. I just know he means it. Michael…loves me.


	16. Chapter 16

I find myself staring at his door for a while unsure what to do. I know what I want to do, barge in there and…and then what? What the hell am I supposed to do then? It's not like there's a manual for having a gay best friend in love with you. Is Michael gay? I never really considered it. Maybe he's just trying it out, or maybe he's bi. Saying he is for sure gay feels strange, foreign, like it doesn't belong there.

I can't find the courage to open the door. I don't want to face this. I don't want to confront Michael about this. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want love right now. I just want my best friend back. Is it too much to just want to be Michael's friend?

Eventually I do muster up some courage and gingerly open the door. I slowly peek in and stare right at Michael, still sitting behind his piano. He shoots up at the sight of me. The look on his face clearly says he wasn't expecting this.

"Blake," Michael almost stutters.

"I need to uh…I need to talk to you. Without any," I close the door to make sure this isn't heard. "Kissing involved." Michael takes a sudden interest in the floor and refuses to look me in the eye. I can't blame him. It seems really good right about now.

"Do we have to?" Michael asks beginning to blush.

"Yes," I insist and at this point I want this all over. Hopefully at the end of today I'll either have my friend back or…lose him.


	17. Chapter 17

"So five years huh?" I ask as we walk. Michael tried to walk out on the conversation in his room. I ended up following him all the way out of his house and onto the pathway to the lake.

"Can we please not do this?" Michael begs still trying to walk faster than me. I grip his shoulder and tug him back.

"You started this. Excuse me if I'm the only one wanting to deal with it." I whine, why can't he just be easy about this? Forget anymore kissing and just be a friend.

Michael suddenly stops and I almost walk past him at my brisk pace. "I don't want to okay." Michael nearly yells. He looks around to see if anyone is nearby. We seem pretty alone, just him, me, and the pavement. Michael still lowers his voice and gets closer when he speaks next. "I don't want to explain why I did it okay?"

"I know why you did it," I keep up my regular volume although Michael acts as though I'm screaming it at the top of my lungs. I lower my voice to accommodate him but feel like an idiot doing so. "You…have…feelings." I struggle to find the right words.

"You don't know what I'm 'feeling'" Michael puts air quotes around feeling and scowls at me. Well that's a change of pace, a week ago he was kissing me now he's acting like the thought is abhorrent. It probably is to some people.

"Then enlighten me okay. Talk to me about it, and stop drive by kissing me." I nearly beg.

"Drive by kissing? You left me on the porch, and hit your head. Can't say it was all me." Michael counters and starts walking again. I'm taken aback at how he tries to pin it on me.

"Maybe but you initiated all of them. And you left out the spin the bottle one." I remind him. He glares at me like I'm the most hated thing in his universe.

"And what was I supposed to do? Make out with front of you in front of everyone?" Michael points out.

"You didn't seem to mind doing it with Maxfield." I remind him. As I say it another little sting hits my chest as I remember how feeble our kiss was in comparison. Don't ask me why, I don't understand my emotions at all nowadays.

Michael doesn't seem to have a comeback to the Maxfield kiss. He slows down and stares at the ground. "You remember that time when I joined Glee club and you just started football?" he asks.

"Yeah, but I don't think this is the best time to stroll down memory lane."

Michael ignores my comment and presses on, "Remember how you thought it was stupid and lame and made fun of me for joining. That is until I tricked you into coming to a meeting. You loved it more than I did at the end."

"So what?" I ask perplexed at where the hell is he going with this.

"So I'm saying sometimes we don't like something but then find out it was just ignorance and we really do love it." Michael explains but I'm still a little lost.

"Are you trying to compare Glee club to…being gay?" I ask. It seemed like a reach but I guess I could see it. But does that mean Michael is trying to convert me somehow into being gay?

"I'm just saying that you loved it in the end."

"Are you really trying to say that I might be gay?" I ask. Do I somehow come off as gay? I am in Glee club and theater, but I also do about four varsity sports. Doesn't that balance it out?

"I don't know okay. All I know is…" Michael can't seem to finish it, he just hangs his mouth open and nothing comes out. He takes a gulp and finally finishes and I mentally prepare for what he might say. "That I really love something and it's killing me every single day to not have it with you."

Suddenly I realize how close we've gotten. Michael seems to have taken steps closer as I was distracted by his speech. We're less than six inches apart and a part of me wants that number reduced to zero. Is he actually converting me like he did to glee club? Or was there always this side of me?

"I…um," I gulp as Michael seems to come closer and closer. The closer he gets the more trouble I seem to have with the English language. "I don't know what you really want me to do here." I finally state a coherent sentence.

"Just tell me that you don't want this and I'll stop…" Michael trails off as he moves closer to me. His mouth just three inches, two inches, less than one inch and getting closer. I'm frozen, my brain seems shot and I can't think straight. Its damn Michael distracting scent, and how nice he looks and…

I finish the gap and clash our lips together as hard as I can. My arms find themselves instantly wrapped around Michael's smaller figure pulling him against my cursing the layers of clothes between us. The kiss though, the kiss makes me lightheaded and tingle all over. My heart starts to pump faster, wanting to ravage Michael right here right now. A heat starts in my chest and flows through my veins making me crave more. Anything more, to feel Michael's skin against mine and even that doesn't seem enough touching. Michael's leg wraps around mine and one of my hands drops to lift it higher wrapping it around my waist. When it pushes against my butt and makes my groin grind against his, the friction causes and involuntary moan that explains it all. I want Michael…bad.

"I love you," Michael breathes against my lips again. This time I don't freeze though because something inside me has taken over. My brain has completely checked out and I am acting on instincts alone and so far I like where they are taking me.

"I know," Is all I can say back against his lips. I don't break the kiss, I get high off this kiss. The tingling and ecstasy from the kiss seems to flood to the rest of my body making me want to sing. I want to jump onto the rooftops and sing out Michael's name.

Michael detaches the kiss and I let out a noise of anger. He continues the kisses on me though, working around my jawline, my Adam's apple, and chin. He bites onto my chin, nibbling against it and playing along with his slick tongue.

The combination of ticklish spots and the heat inside me begging for more makes me moan out Michael's name. That names sounds perfect on my lips, I want to say it again and again until my voice goes horse and then still say it a few more times.

It suddenly became physically painful to not touch Michael's skin as much as possible. The feeling of Michael caressing my cheek makes me higher than the best weed. I'm totally lost in the bliss of this kiss that the feeling of Michael fisting my shirt, nearly pulling it off becomes painfully obvious. I**_really _**don't want to stop kissing Michael…ever. I want to ravish his pretty little figure right here on the pathway all day long but actually doing it becomes apparent and how open we are seems to come to mind at the same time.

Painfully I pull apart from Michael as best I can. The pain comes back and I shake trying to keep myself from attaching my lips to his. Michael's face is adorable though but it doesn't look surprised. I bet he's just waiting for me to run away, third times a charm. The little pout on his lips though and the sadness in his eyes makes staying still that much harder. I claw into my palms to keep from jumping Michael right here.

I feel the overwhelming need to comfort Michael, at least get the cute little pout off his face. "I really want to…" The thoughts of what Michael looks like naked start to pile up along with fantasies of what I could do with him if we were only alone make me crazy to the point of jitters. "But I still want my friend back." I try to back track us.

Michael sighs, "Well then you have to make a choice, because I can't just be your friend anymore." Michael says with a frown and it just about breaks my heart. "It's either that or I can't be your friend anymore."

"But I do love you." I blurt out and cringe at it. "I just don't know if I love you like that." It's my feeble attempt to explain my feelings to Michael. I wish he could just understand how much I want it to. I just don't know what exactly it is I want with it. I know I want to make love to Michael that much is apparent from the erection I still have from our kiss. But do I want to be gay? Why can't I just make love to Michael and not be gay?

Suddenly Michael's hand flies out. Straight at my face. White hot pain blinds me, I stumble back and contort my face to try and hide the pain. Michael slapped me. He fucking slapped me. I hold my face but that just makes it hurt worse.

"You slapped me." I state as though he didn't know. I'm in shock. I can't believe he slapped me. His face is set like stone, just glaring at me.

"I love you, and I think you know what you want. You're just too much of a coward to admit it." Michael says gravely and I slowly die inside as he starts to back away. "Call me when you grow a pair. Pussy," Michael almost spits before running off toward the lake leaving me devastated and slowly dying at Michael's words.


	18. Chapter 18

Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! **Pussy! Pussy! PUSSY! ** I yell at myself over and over. I can't stand the thought of myself. I want to off myself just to try to get away from myself. I pull at my hair, I want pain bad pain. I want to hurt to make up for hurting Michael like that.

Kicking brick walls as I walk down a deserted downtown road helps some. My throbbing foot helps, some. I let out a yell and punch the ground. Every part of me aches and aches in anger and agony. This kind of frustration is what'll give you a heart attack.

Instinctively I kick at a parked car. I let loose as hard as possible and dent the car. The car suddenly goes off filling the empty street with an alarm making me cover my ears and yell again at how stupid I am. I start running, running as hard as I can down the streets until the car alarm fades and I feel sick to my stomach. I've committed a felony, and broken a heart in one day. I should be committed.

Rage, white hot rage almost blinds me making want to attack another car. I don't though. I see a brick lying in the road and blindly pick it up. I just throw it as hard as possible. At 80 Mph the brick sails right through the window I was aiming at, shattering it instantly. I feel better, some of the heat and anger fades but not enough to make me any less angry.

It all is distracted though when an even louder alarm goes off from the store whose window I shatter.


	19. Chapter 19

Michael definitely wasn't expecting that call at 10:45 at night. He expected a call from Blake but not one like that, and definitely not so soon. Michael was angry when he first picked up but all that dissipated when he heard Blake's voice. Soft and scared, he sounded on the verge of tears when he was explaining what happen.

Blake didn't even need to finish the story before Michael was rushing out the door and into his black SUV. Speed limits meant nothing as Michael sped as fast as he could to Blake's directions. Going about 60 in a 30 zone got him there in about 30 minutes. It was still way too much time.

Michael felt a chill as he saw the building of the downtown police station. Michael hesitated a moment before charging in and hoping to save Blake from this cesspool. He couldn't help notice the looks from the handcuffed criminals give him. They can tell he's got money, it makes Michael nervous to be here much longer but he's got to get Blake before he leaves.

"I'm here for Blake Jenner." He tells the officer at the front desk. He glances at a sheet of paper before reading it off to Michael.

"Disturbing the peace, and destruction of property, his bail is set about 2,500 dollars." The lazy officer explains.

"Here," Michael quickly writes a check and hands it to the officer. All of his birthday money for the pas few years but it's worth it. tHe seems shocked at how eager Michael is to give the money but he takes it none the less. He goes to at the corner at the desk. He hits a few numbers and waits. Michael can't help but tap on the desk hoping to somehow speed this up.

The officer asks for a release but after that Michael zones out with all the bad thoughts of what could happen to Blake. A pretty boy like Blake? A whole dictionary of bad things could happen in there, from shanking to butt rape. Michael gets chills thinking about this and silently prays for Blake to be alright.

When he sees Blake coming Michael's heart lifts some. He doesn't look hurt at least. He just looks shaken up and stares at the ground. An officer unlocks the handcuffs around Blake's wrists. He gives Blake a grim look before setting him free and Michael can't help himself. He throws his arms around Blake and trying desperately to keep him safe.

"It's okay," Michael whispers over and over, more trying to convince himself than Blake.

"Can we go home now?" Blake asks still looking on the verge of tears.

Michael lets out a stress laugh and nods before ushering Blake out as fast as possible and helping him into his car. Blake doesn't seem to want to talk about what happened in there, or why he got into jail in the first place. Michael doesn't mind though, as long as he knows he's safe now Michael can breathe a lot easier.

When they finally reach Blake's house Michael feels a weight lift off his chest. At least Blake is safe. Michael has been regretting what he's said since he said it. He doesn't want to lose Blake, he can't lose Blake, and he's the only family he has left.

Blake starts to get out of the car but Michael quickly locks the door. Blake turns to him with a defeated look across his face. The last thing Michael wants is to make this worse. "Just tell me why?"

"I was angry." Blake answers with a sigh.

"So this is my fault." Michael states with pain in his chest. He feels terrible that he can cause Blake to freak out like this.

"No…maybe. I don't know okay. I'm not sure about a lot of things right now." Blake explains.

"I didn't mean it. I don't want to lose you, not at all. I need you in my life even…even if it is only as a friend." Michael admits painfully. If Blake really doesn't want it Michael can accept that, however painful that may be to swallow.

"That's just it. I don't know what I want okay. I'm so confused about everything now."

"And you don't think I am. I've been confused since I first met you!" Michael almost yells.

"You liked me back then?" Blake asks softly.

"I don't know, sort of but…it was just so confusing. I just wanted to spend every minute with you, every second of everyday with you. When I was away from you I felt sad, hurt, aching for your company, okay? And it scared the crap out of me every second for ten years how much I like you. Love you." Blake looks away and Michael just sighs, it feels good to get all this off his chest. It had been festering there for the better part of a decade. To finally admit it feels cathartic.

"I love you too but I don't know if I'm gay okay. I just know that ever since that kiss I can't stop thinking about you. When you kiss me…I don't want you to stop." Blake mumbles almost inaudibly but Michael does hear it. Michael can't help but grin at these words. At least there's a chance.

"So where does this leave us?"

"In a really fucked up place," Michael lets out a dry laugh at that, as does Blake.

"Are you gay?" Blake finally asks the question that Michael had been dreading for years.

"I don't know. I just know that I've never noticed anyone else because I could never shake you out of my mind. You're like a parasite that wormed its way into my heart."

"Thanks. You wormed your way into mine as well." Michael feels a shot of happiness gush through him. The chance was growing and Michael's grin got marginally bigger.

"Do you think you could be? Gay?" Michael asks begging and begging for that right answer.

"Maybe, how does anyone know if they're gay. It's so fucking confusing. It's like I'm attracted to girls but now I can't stop thinking of you. Does that make me gay, bisexual, Confused?" Blake asks and Michael wished he knew. There was no rule book on this, no set of directions to know for sure.

"It'll make it really awkward for you to go to church now." Michael jokes, Blake chuckles at this. Michael could just see Blake's mom's reaction to his son being gay, and it was not without bruises and screaming, and probably crying. But that doesn't make Michael love Blake any less.

"There's really only one question we need to answer. Do you have any feelings for me like that?" Michael asks, his palms being to sweat and he almost shakes in anticipation for the answer.

For a while Blake doesn't, he doesn't seem set in his mind. He seems to think everything over now and that scares Michael. This could be so real. It used to be only a dream and now Blake Jenner, fucking Blake Jenner was considering liking Michael.

"Yes." Blake answered but it wasn't confident. It was shaky and soft, almost like a question he needed answered. Never the less though Michael could help but grin ear to ear and stop his heart from soaring at that one word. Yes.

"Then we don't have to label it okay. We can just let whatever happens happen, okay?" Blake nodded but still looked unsure. It was still more than Michael could ever hope for. He used to think that he'd always have unrequited feelings for Blake but now they were so real Michael could taste them.

If Michael had trouble sleeping before now he would never sleep again, because every thought would be begging to see Blake.


	20. Chapter 20

Cathartic, that was the only way to describe the talk. It was purifying and in the end I felt like I could finally breathe or think straight again. Maybe it was sinful and an abomination to ever even think of Michael like that, but when I do think about Michael like that it doesn't feel like one. It doesn't feel wrong. In fact it feels the opposite. It feels right, it feels like it's the only correct decision I've made in a long time.

I can't stop smiling, at least a little` where we ended in our conversation. Most of me is almost overjoyed at the news, it wants to scream and shout off the roof tops. But the problem is there is still that one glimmer of doubt in the back of my mind. One piece softly saying, it's sin. You'll burn in hell. And that part keeps me from screaming. It almost kept me from admitting my feelings for Michael.

When I get inside I brace myself for the hell that'll inevitably come. The second I step inside and shut the door there is a tiny hope that maybe it won't come. That hope is quickly shattered when a light switches on and I find my mom glaring at me from the couch.

"Hi," I say staring at the floor.

"Look at me Blake." Slowly I face her but it hurts. Her eyes seem to be staring right through me, making me want to cringe like she's medusa. "Where have you been? It's nearly midnight, on a school night."

"I uh…was hanging out with Michael. Where's dad?"

"Sleeping at this time of night. And what were you doing with Michael, was he offering you drugs?" She glares harder trying to see if I lie. I put on as innocent a face as I can manage, to her I'm still her innocent son and maybe I pass this by without telling her about my trip to the police station.

"No mom. I told you Michael's not like that." Which is complete BS coming out of my mouth, but right now it was sort of true. I didn't have any drugs, today.

"Then why on earth are you out until midnight?" My mom shoots me a concerned look and suddenly I'm flooded with guilt for lying to her.

"We just lost track of time."

"What's wrong with your face?" I feel for something wrong and get a sharp pain on my lower jaw. It must have bruised when the cop threw me against his car.

"It's nothing." I shrug off and try to hide the bruise as best I can. My mom gets up and starts walking toward me taking my face in her hands.

"Did Michael hit you?" I almost throw her hands off me.

"No mom, Michael would never hit me. I can't believe you would think that."

"Well whenever you hang out with that boy you're different Blake. I want my little Blakey back." I cringe at her pet name for me.

"I still am your little boy. I must have gotten the bruise during football or something. I'm fine mom, stop worrying about me."

"I'll always worry about you Blakey. I want you to stop hanging out with Michael dear."

"What?" I say a little too loudly, "Sorry, but what? Mom you can't do that."

"I want you to at least branch out. There are some nice boys from church who I think you'd just love. And some pretty girls as well." My mom offers but I still look at her with disgust.

"You can't control who I hang out with."

"I just want you to give it a try honey, I worry about you." Honestly she may be right, but that doesn't mean I want to start hanging out with a bunch of bible thumpers.

"Please stop worrying about me. I'm fine, okay?" She looks away from my face and frowns. I take her face in my hands and try my best to reassure her, "Mom I'm fine okay? I'm still you're little boy, I'm just not that little anymore." It's strange to call myself that considering I'm almost a half a foot taller than her.

Reluctantly she sighs, "Okay, but at least tell me you'll think about it."

"I will, I promise. Now can I go to bed please?" She nods and I quickly go to my room before she changes her mind. I feel sick to myself though, I just lied to my mother. I have no intention of thinking about it, and what's worse? My mother will probably hate me if I ever tell her what I decided with Michael tonight. She'll probably hate him more.


	21. Chapter 21

I avoid my mom the next morning. Looking her in the eyes right now is like trying to say 'I love Satan' in a church. It's just not right, it's wrong because I feel so guilty about lying. I also feel guilty for being with Michael. Were we together? I know it would destroy her if we were, but the problem is I really want to be with Michael. More than I've ever wanted to be with a girl, more than I've ever wanted to be with anyone.

I hide my guilt with a big hoodie to hide my bruise, Not only from my mother but from Michael as well. He didn't notice the bruise last night, not with the heat of the moment. If he saw it now I think he'd feel guilty. Like it's his fault I got arrested. It was my own stupid hot head that got me thrown in jail.

When I get to school I search for Michael. I have to find him before school starts because we have different morning classes and the thought of not talking to him, now after we had that talk last night seems unbearable. I find him by his locker stacking away some advanced math text books into his locker. I smirk a little at how nerdy he can be.

I sneak up behind him and playfully cover his eyes with my hands and lean my head in the crook of his neck. "Guess who." I whisper playfully. I see Michael grin and seem to ponder that for a while.

"Hmm…Maxfield?" Michael laughs but I drop my hands. My heart feels like someone just kicked it and I can't help but frown. Michael twirls around with a smile plastered to his face until he sees my expression. "Hey I was kidding. I know it was you." He takes my hand in his but I instantly drop it and look side to side if anyone saw that. There's a few people at the end of the hall but I don't think they're watching.

"Right," I say glumly. I can't shake a little sadness now, even if it was a joke.

"Are you jealous?" Michael asks with a newfound grin. Suddenly my frown is replaced with a playful smirk.

"What? Why would I be jealous?" I try to play it off as a joke but I have trouble. I know Michael can see right through my facade.

"I don't think of Maxfield like that. I told you I only ever think of you like that." Michael reassures me and it makes me a feel a little better. He leans in and kisses my cheek. I can't help but blush but then that feeling, like how open we are about it comes back and I cringe thinking everyone can see us.

"Can we not do that here?" I ask guiltily. Michael looks puzzled for a second but seems to understand when he follows my gaze toward the people still lingering this hall.

"Where can we do it then?" Michael whispers into my ear sending chills down my back and making some weird moaning noise come out of my mouth. My face burns brighter as I want to bury myself in the trash can right about now.

"My car," I stutter out, still trying to regain my composure. Michael smirks before shutting his locker and walking off. That little fucker has no idea the effect he has on me now.

I can't keep the smile off my face for the rest of the day. I stare at the clock for most of it, silently begging for the hand to move faster. In my mind I keep thinking of little fantasies to do with Michael as soon as the bell rings, everything from sex to just driving off together.

People seem to notice my newfound joy, in sharp contrast to my gloomy mood just yesterday. At lunch I sit across from Michael at our circular table. I try to put some distance between us so no one might suspect something. Although all during lunch I play footsie with him under the table.

In English I sit right next to Michael at the back of the class. I can't help but take little peeks at Michael. He looks so focused during class, serious and not playful. Somehow it makes him look adorable to look so concentrated.

I thank god when that final bell rings. I almost run to my car in anticipation. I end up speed walking and quickly try lean against the car and look cool in case Michael sees me. I shift a few times as people walk by. I put on shades to try to give myself a more mysterious edge. And I wait…and wait…and wait. The parking lot seems to empty out and I still wait by my car. As ten minutes go by I stop leaning and just sit on the hood of my jeep playing with my phone.

"Hey!" Michael calls and I instantly perk up watching him approach from across the lot. I nearly drop my phone as I fumble to put my shades away along with my phone. I look up and smile as he approaches. I look around see that there weren't many people so I feel all the happier.

When he gets to me I slip a quick kiss and instantly smile. I light up as his lips touch mine and that little fire in my gut ignites again. It wants to be fed with Michael sweet kisses. Michael has his eyes closed and lips still in the same position as I left them. He just now seems to realize the kiss ends and starts to burn scarlet. I laugh at his cute little blush.

Michael then pinches his arm and winces but actually starts smiling. I however give him a puzzled look, "Masochist?" I ask rubbing the spot where he pinched himself.

"I just keep expecting this to be a dream. I feel like I'll wake up any second and we'll be back to just friends." Michael explains with a tiny smile. I can't help from smiling myself and allowing another kiss, this time longer but still quickly pulling away before anyone could notice.

"Well if this is a dream," I kiss his neck in just the right spot to get a shudder out of him, "Then it's a damn good one."

"Shit," Michael breathes and I giggle a little as he burns redder.

"Now how about we get inside before someone sees?" I ask to which Michael nearly runs to the car. I laugh again and follow him at a brisk pace. I get into the front and drive us off for a while. I try to find some place a little more secluded before I get a chance to ravage Michael. He looks just about as eager as me, which is almost shaking in excitement.

As we get out of sight a feel a rush of excitement. Being with Michael makes me happy so I should just stick with it, right? I catch Michael staring at me, my cheeks burn as his gaze holds on me.

"What?" I ask trying to hide my blushing.

"I just…I'm just really happy." Michael says blushing himself. I can't help but chuckle, normally Michael seems so cute and innocent, seeing him blush like this makes me realize how much I do like him. "I wish you could know how happy you make me." Michael reaches over and takes my hand. I feel tingles shoot around my arms at his touch, I can't help but smile.

"I think I know. You make me really happy too." I say back. It feels cliché to say out loud but it's what I do feel. I can't help but light up with Michael with me. I lean over, drunken on my happiness and plant a longer kiss on Michael. That tingle at his touch expands across my body, suddenly filling me with a desire for more kisses. I don't though, not here in the school parking lot, where so many people could see us.

Begrudgingly I break the kiss and pull out of the lot, still holding Michael's hand and hoping that this feeling of bliss will never let up.


	22. Chapter 22

I find a place not more than a mile away from my house. It's in a parking lot of an old youth center that has somewhat run down with time. "Here?" Michael asks with another adorable and eager smirk across his face.

"Old memories huh?" I ask pointing how we used to come here when we were younger.

"Seems fitting that we have some more fun here." I laugh at his meaning of 'fun'. Michael hops through the cup holders into the back and I am eager to follow him.

"So uh how do we do this?" I ask trying to figure out how to start.

"I think you have more experience than I do in that department."

"I'm not a slut." I point out.

"And you still have your v card." Michael grins but then I wonder something.

"So do you not have your v card then?" Michael loses his grin almost immediately.

"I never thought I had a chance with you. If I had thought there was even a chance to be with you I would have." Michael apologizes and suddenly I flood with a mixture of anger and depression. How could Michael have never told me? I was still his best friend.

"Who was it?" I ask trying not trip over my words.

"Just some random girl at summer camp, I just got a blow job from her though, we never went all the way." Michael explains and I feel a little better. Does that still make him a virgin then? I don't know, does it? If we're being technical I couldn't be a virgin, I discovered masturbating at about age ten. But I'd never done anything like that with anyone so I suppose that makes me a virgin. The modern day virgin.

"How many times?" I find myself asking before I can even think about it.

"Just once, almost a year ago. I don't even remember her name." Michael insists and I suppose I kind of feel better. For some reason that fact that it's a girl makes it better, I'm still his first guy. But he's my first anything. I guess we'll be each other's first then, right?

I don't want to hear anymore. Before Michael can say anything more about_her_ I fasten my hands around his neck pulling him in for a long, sloppy kiss. He tries to mumble something against my lips but I really don't feel like talking now. Now I want to just kiss and shut up. I lower one of my hands to his back to pull him closer. I slip it under his butt which makes him shudder against my lips. I pull him up so he's sitting on my lap and I throw my other hand behind his head to keep him secure to my lips.

Somewhere after that I get lost in the kiss. In the heat of the moment Michael seems to lose the will to want to speak and suddenly becomes as active as me in trying to rid ourselves of clothes. He tugs at the end up my shirt, I moan when he caresses my chest. We only part lips when we both take our shirts off and I get a good chance to admire Michael.

For a nerd he's got an amazing body. He's not as big as me but he's still better than a lot of guys I could think of. I stroke against his bare chest, feeling each muscle, trying to get a feel of his body. Michael looks at me like I'm the best thing in the world, which we disagree on. After seeing him in a different way I have to he's the better looking one.

"You look so perfect." Michael says staring at my chest, then my face. "God how can anyone look so perfect. It's almost unfair." Michael pouts but I laugh at his comment.

"You're so fucking hot." I state looking over his body once more for good measure. I take a mental picture which I will be using in the shower from now on. I pull him down for another kiss. He pushes me so I fall to my back, our bare chest rub together and I feel my member start to come to life. Michael continues to kiss me, going from my lips to my neck. He works his way over my shoulders and leaves a trail of wet kisses onto my nipples. They grow erect as he tongue's them, flicking them and even biting onto one. It's that pain that makes me want more, maybe I'm the masochist. When Michael moves further down to my jeans I tilt my head to watch as he kisses the forming bulge. I prop myself up on my elbows to get a good view. Silently I beg him to unbutton those damned jeans already. In the simplest of motions they're unbuttoned and I'm struggling not to throw them off right now. Michael though, excruciatingly slowly lifts them down, all the while kissing against the thin layer of cotton that is my boxer briefs.

Even with the layer the pleasure each kiss, each lick, each nibble, gives me is tremendous. No overwhelmingly hot, I feel like I might self-combust if he keeps it up. I want to scream his name, beg for him to just jam my cock in his mouth already. Stop being such a fucking tease. He seems to be enjoying it though. He smiles even as he kisses the bulge in my undies.

Finally he pulls at my undies letting my hard member free. Michael's face is suddenly not joking and just staring at my cock for a second. "Jesus." Michael whispers as he looks at it.

"I don't think he'd approve of what we're doing right now." I point out and Michael lets out a dry laugh, never taking his eyes off my member. "What's wrong?"

"It's just…huge." Michael finally says and I almost laugh at his expression now. He seems almost mesmerized by it.

"Please, please just do something about it." I beg as fire boils through my body. It needs to be satisfied by Michael's mouth, **now**. Michael nods and tentatively grips it with his slender fingers. He moves it, slowly up and down watching my reaction the entire time. I can't stand it though, pure unfiltered ecstasy floods through me and I have to tilt my head back and mumble softly to keep from screaming.

"Please…please." I finally manage to say coherently. Michael finally does what my body is begging for and just shoves my cock in his mouth. "Teeth, teeth!" I yell as it grinds against my member. He tucks them behind his lips and the lets his tongue swirls around my member. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." I moan as he bobs up and down, he starts to pick up speed and already I feel like I'm on the edge of finishing. He sucks on the head, I think pre cum spills out which I feel sucked out which shoots a new kind of sensation through me. His hand gingerly takes my member at the same time and pumps it, slowly back and forth with the same rhythm as his mouth on my tip.

It only takes a few movements before I can't take it anymore. I explode into his mouth and screaming at the top of my lungs, "Michael!" And then some obscene cuss words as he sucks all cum I produce. My chest rises and falls, my heart feels like it's gonna pump out of my chest. I can't wipe the grin off my face or the feeling of bliss that comes with afterwards.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't expect it to feel so good." I apologize, feeling like a wimp for not lasting longer than five minutes. Michael nods.

"So it was good?" Michael asks with a huge cocky smile. I groan, I'll never hear the end of this.

"It was fucking amazing." I mumble still reliving it in my mind.

"Good because now it's my turn." And suddenly I don't feel bliss anymore, I feel nervous. I start to shake, after how good Michael was how can I compete with that? Michael didn't give me a chance to think about it though as he wrapped his hands around my neck pulling me in for a sweet seductive kiss. I soon forget about it as Michael's hand travel my back pulling me closer until one lies on my butt and gives it a squeeze. I nearly jump out of my seat at that and blush softly for the noise I made when it happened.

I lose all my senses, my mind goes blank the more I kiss Michael. My only thought is of him, lying nearly naked underneath me. My hands fumble for his zipper to take off these accursed jeans, standing in the way of my target.

White hot heat courses through my veins as I strip Michael loose of his jeans, leaving him in his white boxers. "I need you!" his hand pushed mine to his groin "Oh God! Can't you feel it? Please." All my willpower and self-control crumbled at these words and my only thought is to pleasure Michael. I want to hear my name, screamed from those pretty little lips.

I grip his hard on and rub it teasingly. Michael moans against my lips. I push him back so he's flat on his back with me on top of him. "Please, oh fuck, please!" Michael yells against my lips but I take my sweet ass time making my way down to his boxers. He moans and grunts at my slow pace but I just grin a little to myself. Now I know how much I can affect him.

I then tear off his boxers and reveal his weeping member. Michael moans as I slide a hand around it and take off in a similar fashion as I do myself when I'm alone. "Oh god, please suck it!" Michael yells and it's my only thought. I slip it into my mouth but then I'm not sure what to do. I suck and twirl my tongue around the head, poking it into the hole and getting a near scream of ecstasy from Michael in return. I let my hand go faster and faster. Michael tilts his head back with a serious look on his face. He mumbles things I can't make out but I can tell he's enjoying this. I touch his hanging ball with my other hand. I stroke his cock with one hand but move my mouth to suck on one of his balls. His mumbling becomes faster along with some faint moans. His face turns red from concentration. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt himself or something. I play with his balls with one hand but continue stroking with another before looking up to see if he's okay.

"You okay Mikey?" I ask. He nods furiously.

"Oh my fucking god. I'm gonna cum. Oh, oh, oh!" Michael suddenly shoots out milky white shots onto his stomach over and over for what seems like minutes, until finally he falls back and lets out a long breath. I crawl over him and lay atop him kissing his neck furiously hoping I was as nearly as good for him as he was for me.

"How was it?" I ask against his neck, afraid to look him in the eye when I ask. Michael laughs.

"I imagined that so many times…but never did I think it'd be so fucking good. Holy shit," Michael breathes and feel myself glow on the inside. I move up to his mouth and kiss him before he can say anything else. I wrap my arms under his back and pull our naked bodies as close together as physically possible.

"I love you," Michael moans against my lips. This time I'm not afraid of those words. Instead I have my own opinion.

"I think I'm falling in love with you." I admit and lean back to see his reaction. He still has his eyes closed like he's dreaming. The wait feels endless until Michael slowly smiles and simply says.

"Best, day, ever."


	23. Chapter 23

"Do you really have to go?" Michael pleads again. He pouts and I'm tempted to change my mind, but then I think of my mom's reaction last night. I'm more scared of that than I am aroused by Michael's cute face.

"Unfortunately," I state again as I pull up to the gate of Dominion Crossing. Michael lets out a heavy sigh as he looks at this neighborhood. He looks at it like it's a prison and not a lavish neighborhood.

Michael turns back to me with a smile. "I could stay over. Your parents wouldn't have to know." Michael tries again. It's very tempting.

"No," I force myself to say. "My mom is being weird lately. I don't think she'd approve of anymore sleepovers." Michael pouts again and I almost laugh at how cute he looks.

"You always were a momma's boy." Michael says glumly, I do laugh at that before leaning over and kissing Michael on his forehead.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I offer hoping to cheer him up some. He still looks as glum as ever though.

"Yeah sure," He says as he slowly exits the car. I watch him for a while as he goes further and further until I lose sight of him. I fight the urge to run after him and give him a hug. Instead I listen to my better judgment and start the trip back to my house.

The whole way home I think of Michael. Our time together in the backseat, it felt amazing so why do I suddenly feel dirty? It was my first time and I love Michael but somehow I feel different. I feel like something's opened up inside of me, and that something else broke. Something I can never get back.

Maybe we rushed into it? It all happened so fast I didn't think about it. I couldn't stop myself once I started. Something about it seems so permanent now, that Michael was my first time having sex but I wasn't his, not in the same way. The thought of that random girl comes back and I feel the overwhelming urge to shower. Rinse away how dirty I feel.

As I get home I sit in the car for a while and just think. What am I doing? Why do I feel so…dirty? I want to be with Michael but something keeps making me afraid or just uncomfortable about the thoughts I have. I feel like I've sinned, and I have haven't I. I've had premarital sex, does oral sex count as that? Not to mention gay sex, I'm going straight to hell.

"Shit," I curse and bang the steering wheel as hard as I can. The horn makes me jump then seems to rouse the inside of my house. The back door opens, my mom comes out and looks right at me. She can see it, she can see it on my face can't she. Her expression says it all, a mixture of disgust and pity.

She doesn't look at me long. She shuts the door and as soon as she does I can't help but let out a few tears. I'm fucked up, I'm fucking so screwed up and I'm going to hell and…shit! I rake my fingers through my hair trying to drive the evil thoughts out of my head. I scratch and pull until hot sticky blood is on my fingers and I can't hold anymore tears. They come like a stream, as soon as it starts I can't stop, I can't take a breath. I feel like I'm choking, punishment for all the abominations I've committed now.

"Fuck." I curse through my sobs. I cross my arms over my chest to keep from completely falling apart. My chest aches, like I've been tackled, my heart feels like it's going to explode from all these mixed feelings.

I love Michael, but I hate him. I hate him for making me care so much about him. I hate him for making me gay. I hate him for having sex with someone else before me. I hate myself for having sex. And I hate how good it felt while I was doing it.

And right now I hate my mother for her stupid damn condescending parental look.


	24. Chapter 24

I consider sleeping in the car just to avoid my mother. I can't take her looks or her judgment right now. She knows, she could see it on my face and I could see it on hers. What she doesn't know is who I did it with. At the very least she thinks it was a girl, if she knew…I don't even want to think about that.

I'm not sure how long I spend in the car. It might be a few minutes, it might be hours. Everything seems so different now, some things seem more vivid and others seem so much more depressing. I can't help but curse that stupid bitch Michael did it with at camp. What the fuck camp did he go to? Band camp I think. So then who was it?

"Fuck!" I curse not caring how loud I am. I'm too frustrated to care, I hit the steering wheel a few more times. I start to wake up the neighborhood. An old guy shouts some obscenities at me to which I cuss back.

After that though I'm embarrassed at my outrage and decide it's best to just go inside already. I try my best to avoid my mom. I open the door slowly and make sure to close it without making a noise but it's no use. The second I turn around she's there, along with my dad. _Aw fuck._

I stare at the ground. I can't look at them. I feel so guilty and disgusting right now. I can't handle a talk, I don't want to. All I really want to do is shower and wipe this filthy feeling off me.

"Blake Alexander Jenner," My mom starts. _Oh double fuck. _My mom never uses my middle name. Ever. Unless she's raging and this would definitely qualify.

"Please, please don't." I say quietly. I can't do this, if she says anything I'll breakdown crying but I can't do that. Not in front of my parents, not now.

"Oh so you just want me to forget about this?" She asks, her voice rising into a shout. "What happened to you?" she gets up from her seat and looks me up and down. Her look of concern is horrifying, like she's looking at a stranger. "Why…why would you do this?" she asks strangely quiet.

"What do you mean?" I mumble out. Suddenly I'm blindsided. White hot pain envelopes my face. I hold my cheek to try to control the pain but it only makes it sting more.

"Sandra!" I hear my dad shout, my mom though storms off in a rage. I don't blame her, I deserved a slap. I'm going to hell after all. The pain keeps taking over and I have to squeeze my eyes shut to try and block the pain. I bite my lip hard to hold back tears. Guilty tears.

Something cold hits my face and at first I pull back but my dad holds me still. Eventually the pain subsides and I climb to a chair across from my father. We just sit in silence, I expect screaming or something. The silence makes me dread what will be going through my dad's mind if my mother was willing to slap me.

"Blake…" He finally starts.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly before he can finish. I stare at the table. I can't look at my dad. I'll only feel guilty for doing it, even if it was just oral. And the guilt I feel for being gay. Was I gay? I'm still not sure. I don't want a label on me.

"I understand that you have…needs as a teenager." He starts again. I cringe at his words. He is going to talk about it. It made it so much worse to actually say it out loud.

"Please, I don't need a sex talk." I beg.

My dad strangely laughs. I'm taken aback by him laughing, I finally feel okay to look up at him. I expect a glare or look of damnation but instead he looks like he just heard a joke. "That's more your mother's department."

"You're not mad?" I ask. I deserve it. I expected he would be the one to slap me in this scenario. To see my dad be so different than what I expected is…odd.

"I can't say I'm surprised. You're a teenager, I expected it sooner honestly. I don't think your mother did though." My dad laughs again. It's a dry laugh though. I'm still in shock that my mother actually slapped me.

"Is she going to be okay?"

He shrugs. "You know how she is, she doesn't like to think of you growing up. You're still her little altar boy." I finally laugh of memories of when I thought it was fun to go to church. I loved the gown they made me wear, it seems so long ago. Now going to church seems like a hassle, especially now that I've…done things with Michael.

"Are you okay with it?" I ask. He looks at me, he just smiles and seems to go into a daze.

"I'll love you no matter what. If you want to have sex in high school…I would prefer you not to but it's your life. You're free to do what you want." He says and suddenly I feel better. At least he won't slap me.

"There's something else…" I start but am quickly cut off.

"So who's the lucky girl?" I find myself frozen, my jaw hanging open but then quickly shutting as I realize that they still don't know. Being okay with premarital sex and being gay are different things. Maybe then he'd slap me.

"No one dad." I say suddenly crestfallen as I realize I can't tell anyone. Not without them looking at me differently, or judging me. Or maybe slapping me.

"Well if you'd ever like to tell us…I'll handle your mother." My dad says with a smile. I smile back but on the inside I'm broken. I can never tell my parents. Not without hurting them, or alienating myself from them.

If it's going to be like this maybe I shouldn't be with Michael.


	25. Chapter 25

It's odd to think about. God, everything I thought I knew was so clear. I thought I was straight. I thought that Michael was my best friend. I thought that I was a good person. I definitely thought my mother would never hit me. Now I don't know about anything.

Am I straight? Maybe. How do you know for sure? I mean it should be obvious, you just like the opposite gender. But I don't, I have feelings for Michael. Are they the same? No they're almost alien in comparison, but I can't deny how good the feelings are. So where does that leave me?

Is Michael my best friend? No, yes, maybe. That one I have no clue about. We're something else entirely now. We can never be just friends again, I'll never be able to look at Michael the same way again. We're something, I just don't know what we are.

Am I a good person? Well that's a hard one to answer. Is anyone a good person? Everyone has faults. I didn't ask for these feelings, they just arose out of nowhere. I was blindsided but now there's no way to deny that they're there. So does that leave me as a good person? In God's eyes? Maybe, I don't know. I'm not sure where I stand there anymore.

I never expected that reaction from my mother. I never thought she'd hit me, and she didn't even give me a chance to explain. Granted she was right in her suspicions but does that make it okay? Yes, I should be punished, right? I had premarital sex which is a no, no. I never thought I'd do that, especially with a guy. Thank god she didn't know that or…I don't even want to think about that.

The thoughts swirl in my head until I can't take it anymore. I have to get out of the house. The problem is my mom has me on lockdown since last night. She didn't even let me go to school today. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'd sex up every girl in school now.

I pace my room back and forth trying to figure something out. Apologize is a must but what else? What else can I do to appease her? Because I can't handle her looking at me like she does now. She doesn't look at me like her son right now, she looks at me like…filth. It was one of her big things, and I had to break that rule. How stupid am I?

As I pace the floor I hear something. A clang against the window. I run to it and find someone down on my lawn throwing rocks at me. Well three someone's, one throwing rocks and two in Shanna's bug parked in the street.

Shanna waves at me before chucking a bigger rock at my window. I flinch as it hits the window, afraid it will shatter the glass. When I'm safe I open the window and lean out.

"What the hell are you doing out there?" I ask in a loud whisper. If my parents knew…well if my mom knew they were out here, I'd be afraid she'd smack one of them.

"Jail breaking you." Ailyn calls from the car. I cringe at how loud she is, I'm afraid for their safety at this point not mine.

"Come down here!" Shanna yells. _Fuck it, _I finally agree. I've already been smacked around and locked in my room. What's the worst that could happen? I get smacked again? I do a somewhat graceful escape out my window off out rain gutter. By graceful escape I mean holding on for a second then landing somewhere in the bushes. "Ow," is all I can moan as I realize why these were here. They have thorns on them. I wouldn't put it past my mom to have put them here so I wouldn't escape.

"Blake!" Shanna screeches. No doubt alerting the neighborhood of my break out. I moan, partly to the pain but mostly at how loud she has to be. I love Shanna but sometimes…She's not the person I'd call for a prison break let's leave it at that.

She pulls me out of the bushes and brushes some of the thorns off my jacket. "What are you doing here?" I ask, finally wondering how they even knew I was on lockdown.

"Your dad called me and told me you needed an escape." She says finally looking up at me. Her reaction is instant, the moment she lays eyes on my face. "Holy shit," she touches it like a concerned parent. I wince as she examines my bruised face.

"Can we go before someone sees us?" I ask, biting my cheek to keep from screaming as she keeps touching my bruised face.

"What happened to you? Did the fall do that?" She asks looking over me like I might just break apart. I finally just grab Shanna's arm and pull her toward the car.

"I'll explain later, right now let's go."

"Jesus, what happened?" Ailyn asks as we finally pull away from my house. Her reaction is the same as Shanna's, concerned over the purple marks on my face.

"I slipped and hit my head." I lie. I can't tell them the truth. That my mother slapped me. It's horrible to think about, and to be honest I don't think it's much of their business, even if it is with good intentions. Also if I were to say that, there would more questions on why she did it and I can't think of anything to answer that one.

"What did you do crack your head on the sink?" She pokes at my cheek, like she doesn't realize it'll hurt me.

"How about we stop poking me. Where are we going?" I ask Charlie, the only one not fussing over me and my bruise.

"It's a surprise." He says with a grin.

"A surprise?" I ask with a laugh. I can't imagine where they would take me and not be able to tell me about it. "Why?"

"Stop asking. We're not going far." Ailyn answers with her own little grin. As she says it I see where we're going. The old youth center, where just a day ago Michael was sucking my dick. _Aw fuck._

"Why are we here?" I ask but none of them answer. Instead they all head out to the side of the building leaving me in the car. "Hello?" I call after them but they just hurry along off to around the building. "Wait up!" I call running after them.

As I reach the side of the building I see Shanna round another corner. "Hurry up slow poke!" she shouts back at me. I'm about to sprint but suddenly something jumps me. We crash to the ground.

"Fuck!" I moan as my eye hits the ground, causing a new series of pain in my face.

"Jesus, sorry." That familiar voice suddenly makes a smile go across my face. I spin and see him sitting on top of me. "Oh my god," His face suddenly drops as he sees mine. He gingerly touches my face, just on my bruise. I try my best to hide that pain. His face though doesn't hide anything, he looks horrified at my injury.

"What happened to you?" He asks caressing my cheek. It makes me smile somewhat, how much he seems to care but I can't tell him the truth. He'd think it's his fault, and I don't think I can stand the thought of that.

"I just fell in the shower." I lie, Michael seems to study me. Check if I'm hurt anywhere else but I pull him down for a kiss, carefully so he won't hurt my bruise. He struggles at first but he seems to get lost in the kiss, I do too. For a while I forget where we are or what is happening. Just how much I love Michael's lips.

"We seem to be in this position a lot." I mention considering how many times we seemed to have ended here in the past. He laughs and a dirty grin spreads across his face.

"Maybe it's because I like you best when you're on your back." I laugh but suddenly it feels dry. Thoughts of last night and where it landed me resurface. I don't show it but inside I'm really considering just pushing Michael off me.

"Do you now?" I ask with a chuckle. "Prove it." He leans down for another kiss, longer though because I lance my fingers through his hair to hold his lips there. I soak in the ecstasy the kiss leaves me with and now have a refueled happiness.

"Come on lets go before they notice." Michael does the smart thing. I groan, I don't want to stop the kisses. They distract me from the events of yesterday. I let him pull me up though. When I get up I pull him in for one more embrace, to soak any happiness I can. It'll probably be the last time I can do this today.

"What are you even doing here?" I ask as we walk toward the back of the building. By now they must have noticed us hanging behind.

"Ailyn just called me and asked me to come over. Said you needed another pep up or something." Michael answers. We walk a little separately. I resist the urge to hold his hand. I don't want anyone to know about us. Not until I completely understand what we are.

"There seems to be a pattern. Do I look like a charity case to you all?" I ask thinking of the last pep up only a few weeks ago. The one just after I kissed Michael for the first time.

Thinking about the past is weird. A part of me is conflicted about what to feel about it. Happy that I'm Michael? Sad that I'm with Michael? Ashamed that I'm with Michael? All of those I do feel, but the bliss and ease I also get from being with him block out those thoughts, most of the time.

"Yep, you're our charity case." Michael says with a grin. He reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a flask. "Want some?" he offers. The offer makes me mad, inside I hate how Michael is drinking right now. Is my company not enough? He needs to be drinking to be happy now too? Or am I just hormonal right now? With all these feelings I'm totally just overreacting to the simple offering.

"Sure," I take a long sip. The alcohol burns my throat just a little bit, but as it hits my head I remember why Michael would do this. "Any idea what they got planned in there?" I ask resisting the urge to take another sip.

"I know others are in there. I heard someone got their hands on a keg." Michael says.

"Why are we here anyway?" I ask looking at the rundown youth center. As we reach the back I find the old playground we used to play on. Happy memories of simpler times come back and I find myself grinning. When did it get so different? So fucked up?

"You don't like it here?" Michael asks with a dirty grin. I laugh remembering what we did just yesterday in my car.

"I love it here. Isn't this place closed though?" I ask looking at how rundown this place seems to have gotten. Michael just shrugs in answer as we reach a back door. I hold it open for him. His grin makes my heart flutter. I take a breath to regain some composure before following him.

"Hello?" I call through the empty halls. All the lights seem to have gone out, leaving this place a lot darker and creepier than I remember. I feel Michael's hand reach out to mine, making this place seem less creepy.

"Jesus, what was that?" Michael jumps a little toward me. Instinctively I wrap a protective hand around him. I peer into the dark and see the outline of a cat.

"It's a big scary cat." I say with a laugh.

"Shut up. It looked like a ghost." Michael argues with a hit against my chest.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you from the scary kitty." I pull us forward, toward the gym. Well more of a playroom filled with mats that reminded me of the blocks I used play with in preschool.

"Shut up." Michael hits me again but just giggles. I see him pinch himself again, as though this might actually be a dream. I wonder how long he has dreamed about this.

The gym seems to be more lit but not much. Instead of pitch black it's lit by candles and some flashlights. As we get into the gym I see the room is a little more populated. Shanna, Ailyn and Charlie seemed to have made their way in here, along with others. Abraham settled across the room along with Nellie and some I recognize from glee club for looking like Justin Bieber. I catch Ali, Lily, who I still haven't talked to since the whole movie thing, and Maxfield along with others hanging around the center of the gym.

"What are you guys doing?" I've made sure to take my arm back from Michael before anyone could see us.

"Come sit." Ailyn calls us over. I fall in place in between her and Shanna. Michael takes a seat across from me. I want to sit by him, maybe try to hold his hand but there are just too many eyes on us.

"Here," Charlie chucks a beer at me. I take a big sip and soak in the buzz it gives me as someone turns the music on.

"You like being a wall flower?" I ask pulling up to Michael and Nellie. I've watched them sitting against the wall for a while now, talking soft and looking very serious for most of it. As I sit though Nellie takes it as a queue to leave. "What'd I do?"

"Nothing," Michael leans in for a kiss but I pull away. I can feel everyone's eyes. I can't do _that_ with Michael. Not in front of everyone. Michael looks hurt though by my pulling away. "Do I have bad breath or something?" he asks with a laugh but I can see some hurt on his face.

I just stare at the ground. Was Michael reading into this? We just decided to do this a few days ago, and even then I'm still not sure what we are to each other. Maybe Michael has a better idea though, he doesn't seem to notice if anyone else might notice us kissing.

"I um…not in front of anybody okay?" I ask feeling a pit in my stomach. The thought of everyone seeing us is…terrifying. What would they think of me? What would they think of us? They would judge me before I even knew what I am myself.

Michael looks as though I've punched him. A small frown and a scrunch in his eyebrows are quickly replaced with a small grin. Michael can try to hide it but I know he wants more. He doesn't really care does he? But does he not understand that I do care if everybody knows? I don't want anybody to know.

"Yeah sure." Michael agrees before taking a long gulp on that flask of his. I eye it wondering how much he's already had.

We're distracted though by a huge applause coming from the middle of the room. I turn and see Shanna and Maxfield making out in the center of the room next to the keg. Didn't see that coming.

I turn back to Michael but when I do he's not there. I look up and see the back door shut. I blindly follow after Michael as he heads through the building. "Michael!" I call after him but he just storms forward like he didn't even hear me. For a while in the dark I think I've lost him, until I find him standing outside a big window pane looking into the daycare room.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask trying to catch my breath from running after him like that. He just stares into the window like there's something actually in there. I look inside too. I remember it from when I was little, I used to come here every day before I started preschool.

"What are you looking at?" I ask trying to see if something might catch my eye.

"Do you remember coming here?" Michael asks.

"To the playroom? Yeah when I was like three." I answer trying to see what he means.

"You know I used to come here to when I was little?" He asks. No, I didn't. I didn't actually meet Michael until school started in kindergarten. I don't remember him from before.

"Really?" I ask trying to see if maybe I could pull his face out from an old memory.

"Right over there is where I first saw you." He points to a back corner of the room, by an old finger-painting stand. "You had just stopped crying because your mom left you here. I remember thinking you were such a cry baby back then." I cringe reliving the experience of all the kids laughing at me. "Then I saw you again and again at school. You got bigger so I couldn't really call you a crybaby anymore. When kids found out about my mom…they were assholes. But you…I'll never forget how you just wailed on that Rick kid." I laugh remembering how good it felt to stand up for Michael. Though now that he called me a crybaby I'm sort of regretting it.

"Fun times." I say thinking through how I met Michael. Apparently he knew me before though. "What's your point?"

"That's when I knew. That's when I knew that I loved you." Michael says plainly.

"When you were five years old?" I ask trying to think of how Michael acted back then. No particular gay themes come to mind but maybe I was ignorant to how much I liked Michael to notice.

"Well not love, love, but I loved that you stood up for me. I knew I wanted to be your friend after that, and that you were definitely not a crybaby after that." Michael says with a laugh.

"What's your point?" I ask.

"I remember when I did fall in love with you though. When we were about nine, during open house at school. When I didn't come you came all the way to my house to see what was going on. My dad was out on business or something and my mom was…you brought me to your house for the night and just let me stay there. You said I could stay there as long as I needed. And that's when I knew, I knew that I loved you, I knew that I needed you, and I knew that I would never be able to get over you." Michael wipes a tear that seems to have formed in his eyes. I struggle to hold back a few tears of my own.

"I…I don't know what to say." I say lamely.

"I do. I know what I want from you, I want you. Not as a friend but as…something more. I always have and I always will." Michael says finally looking at me. I try to control my breaths, keep breathing and maybe I won't cry like a baby. "I want you. I don't care what anybody else thinks I want you. What do you want?"

Instead of crying I just stand there, with my mouth hanging open. Trying to muster up the courage to say something. Anything.


	26. Chapter 26

"Where are you going?" Nellie calls after me. She's the only one who saw me nearly run out of the gym. I don't slow down at her words, she takes this as a hint to speed up and chase me. Can't she take a damn hint that I'm trying to get away.

"I need to go." I call behind me trying to find the exit. It's too fucking dark in here! I thrash around trying to find an exit door.

"What's wrong?" She asks, jogging up to me. I sigh, I really don't want to say. Not because I don't want anybody to know about me and Michael. Because I just can't be here anymore. I can't. Everything is moving too fast.

"I just, I need to go." I answer again and finally spot a glowing green light marking an exit. I run to it and let the sunlight shine into the old building. I don't expect her to follow me outside, but she does.

"What are you stalking me now!" I yell back at her trying to scare her off. Can't she just see I don't want to see anyone right now? She stops a few feet from me and just stares at me, like I'm an animal that might attack her.

"Something's wrong." She says still keeping a distance form me. "How much have you had to drink?" Something about that sets me off.

"I'm not drunk!" I yell but I wince and try to calm myself. I'm lashing out at her and I shouldn't be. "I just…I can't be here anymore alright?"

"Let me drive you at least." She offers.

"I'm not fucking drunk okay?" I almost yell again but I manage to hold my composure.

"I know. I just want to take you home okay?" she asks still keeping a safe distance from me. She carefully takes my hand and pulls me to her Camry. I let her, I've just now realized that I would have to walk home if I didn't. Then it dawns on me that I'm only about a mile away though. I let her take me though.

"So why do you need to leave?" Nellie asks as we leave the parking lot. Memories, painful thoughts of Michael hit me with a bang. Michael standing there, with his heart on his sleeve, and me just standing there, trying to understand what is happening. Michael wants to be out, we've just got to a better place and already he wants to be open about it. Open before I'm even sure I need to come out. I still have no idea what I am, who I love, I'm not even close to deciphering all of my feelings for Michael.

It's too fast, it's all happening too fast. Thoughts of everyone's faces staring at me while I tell them I might be gay conjure in my mind. I'm horrified as people I thought were friends suddenly look at me with disgust and hate. All because of one word. Gay.

Instead of answering Michael I just fumble backwards until I hit a corner and then take off, leaving Michael. I cringe at how Michael must feel, he must hate me. I would hate me for leaving him like that. Right after he told me how much he loves me.

"It was just…too complicated." I answer trying to block all the thoughts of Michael out of my head. If I think of his face as I ran I might just breakdown.

"It was just a party. Sorry if you didn't like it. Jeeze we were just trying to be nice." Nellie says, oblivious to my real meaning. I chuckle a little at how simple it must seem to her. How stuck up or something I must seem to her right now.

"I loved the party but I just…I needed to get home. Before my mom realized I'm gone." I lie, well partially lie. Mostly though I just couldn't bear Michael's words in my mind. I couldn't face him after I just left him hanging like that.

"Your mom seems like a hard ass." Nellie says with a grin. I sort of grin too, if only she knew how I got this bruise.

"She means well."

"But does she want you to be happy?" Nellie asks. I think back, how she didn't want me to even be friends with Michael anymore, how angry she was that I had sex. Even though I was hurting from it.

"I think she wants me to be happy. A happy little Christian boy." I say with a smile.

"If only she knew half the things we do." I nod. She would no doubt be horrified. I can't even play modern music around her, or she might go mental on me.

We pull up to my house and suddenly I dread my decision to come back. If my mom figured out I left…shit, this wasn't a good idea. Nellie seems to see my hesitation.

"Scared to see the dragon lady?"

"Terrified." I turn and laugh. As I look at Nellie a thought crosses in my mind. My mom wanted me to find a nice girl. Nellie is great, and this could be my chance to figure out if I was gay or not.

Acting on instinct I lean over and kiss Nellie. Suddenly I feel that happy feeling spread across my body. It's a nice kiss sweet, like honey. But not as intense as when I kiss Michael. But that fire still starts in my stomach, wanting more kisses. Wanting to be closer to Nellie.

I deny the beast though and pull away from Nellie who is now blushing scarlet. I'm burning up too and I can't help but look at the ground.

"What was that?" Nellie asks with a grin now on her face. I shrug.

"A test." I answer.

"Did I pass?" she asks with a laugh. She probably wouldn't if she knew what I was testing.

"I don't know. Maybe." I admit. I thought that maybe it would clear things up. It would set me straight as gay or straight. But I still enjoyed the kiss with Nellie, almost as much as Michael's. Now I'm only left with more questions than answers.

I manage to make it back into my house without my mom spotting me. I see my dad though and thank him for having my friends kidnap me. I love my dad. He'll always look out for me. If I ever were to come out as gay, I'd come out to him first. But then I think of my mom's reaction and involuntarily shudder.

When I reach my room I collapse onto my bed, exhausted from the events of today. Michael's explanation…hit me somewhere. It emerged feelings inside me that were overwhelming. And pushing me to come out, before I even know what I am myself is too far. Too far, too fast. Maybe I'm not even gay. Maybe it's just hormones or something and I don't really like Michael. Or maybe I'm being a pussy again.

It's too much. It's too much to think about. I close my eyes and relive Michael's speech again. He remembered that from so many years ago, I didn't think much of it back then. I thought I was being a good friend. I was helping a friend. But did I somehow give Michael the impression that I was gay back then? I don't think so, or did Michael just come to his realization of love on his own.

Why? Why did he have to love me? Why did he have to go and kiss me? Why did he have to infect my thoughts? My dreams? My everywhere? Why do I keep thinking about him?

Something buzzes and relieves me from my inner turmoil. I look at my phone and see Michael's picture, a picture we took together not too long ago. Just us smiling, did he love me back then? He must have, but was he obsessing over it like I am now?

I don't pick up. I let it ring, over and over until it just stops. I can't face him, not after I ran like that. A part of me doesn't ever want to see him again, and yet another part wants to pick up and apologize profusely. I can't handle these mixed feelings anymore.

The phone starts to buzz again but I just set it on my chest. I take comfort in the buzz. If he's calling at least he doesn't completely hate me. Some part of him must still care, even though I don't deserve it. So I let the phone buzz until it inevitably stops. Then it just starts buzzing again, over and over again.


	27. Chapter 27

57 times. In a matter of 48 hours, the rest of my weekend, Michael had called 57 times. Every time I wanted to answer. Apologize and meet up with Michael. But I couldn't pick up the phone. I can't bear the shame of how I just ran like that. I cringe remembering Michael's hurt face as I backed away.

23 texts. He texted me as well, anytime he wasn't calling me. A good thing his family has an unlimited phone plan with all these calls and texts. They ranged from I love you, to I hate you, to a few obscenities, always ending back with apologizes and I love you s. Every time I saw that word I made a face.

Love. What does it even mean? I looked it up and definitions ranged from 'a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person' to 'sexual passion or desire'. I could say I had sexual passion for Michael. I have affection for him. He clouds my every thought with desire. But does that mean I love him?

I thought maybe I was falling in love with him. Off the high of my heated sexual act I thought I was falling for Michael. Already fell for him. But now not on my high I can't say that. It feels wrong to say that, it makes something inside me itch. Letting someone know how much you care about them, that you love them makes me want to squirm. Like if I say it I'll be bound by it, like a chain. I'll never be able to take something like that back.

Michael was able to though. It may have been in the heat of the moment but he was able to just say those stupid three words. So why can't I? Saying it for sure seems like an impossible goal. Michael was right, I am a pussy.

Another buzz goes off. I look at the picture and it's Michael. 58. I tuck the phone in my pocket and relish the buzzes. At least he is still thinking about me. Even if it's bad thoughts something about him still thinking about me makes it better. It makes me feel somewhat better.

As its Monday I head to school with my mind set. My mom finally seemed to realize she couldn't keep me from school forever. Although she did make me go to confession at church. After a weekend of contemplation I head to school knowing I need to see Michael. I can't say those three words he wants me too, I just can't. But at the very least I need to explain myself, I owe him that much.

I head straight for his locker. When I get there he's nowhere to be found. I decide to just camp out until he shows. I realize that maybe he won't want to see me. Maybe he's realized how much I hurt him and he won't even want to look at me. Suddenly that feeling of wanting to just crawl in a hole and die comes back. I end up just waiting around a corner in sight of Michael's locker.

"Whatcha doing?" I nearly jump as Shanna comes up behind me.

"Jesus Christ." I curse as I try to control my heart beat. "Hey, what's up?" I ask keeping an eye on Michael's locker.

She laughs at how flustered I am right now. "I saw your mom drag you into confession after church. What was that about?" Shanna asks with another laugh. Maybe I should just tell her. Not that it was with Michael. **GOD**no. But maybe she could help somewhat.

"She sort of figured something out." I say vaguely. I can't bring myself to just outright say, I had sex, oral sex. Shanna, like me was Christian, what would she think of me? Knowing I had sex.

"Finally figured out what those magazines are under your bed?" She asks. My face drops, along with my jaw. How the fuck did she know about those?

"I…she…no." is all I can manage. Shanna just smiles though and laughs a little at my humiliation. Great, now everyone can know about my stash. "How did you..?" I start but Shanna just holds a hand up.

"I get it you have needs but I'm here to tell you that you'll be hard pressed to find a girl willing to do any of the things in those magazines." My face suddenly burns. I take an interest in the ground. I can't bear to see Shanna's looks. She can be so condescending, like a stuck up bitch.

"Jesus never mind." I just turn and round the corner past her. I'd find Michael later. I need to get away from Shanna right now.

Shanna doesn't seem to take my hint though and follows me down the hall. "I'll pray for you,"

"I'll pray for you and Maxfield." I counter, "What's up with you two?" I ask desperately trying to change the subject. She beams at me with an infectious smile.

"Good, great. He's so sweet…" Shanna drones on but I start to tune out after that. I don't really need to know the intricacies of their relationship. I just needed to get the topic off my stash.

I almost zone out completely, just numbly walking with Shanna as she goes on and on about their first date at Boardwalk. An amusement park near the beach. Something about how much of a gentleman he was and how nice he was and how southern he was. I was a little tempted to jump over the railing to get away.

Being so zoned out I nearly miss Michael and Maxfield coming in our direction. Something inside me prickles up at the sight of them, together, but I repress it quickly. I remember how I hurt Michael, I still need to apologize.

Shanna runs up to Maxfield, throwing her arms around him and leaving a few sloppy kisses as Michael and I just stay on the edges slowly backing away. Michael just seems to notice me, his face doesn't show if he's mad or sad or anything. He just looks normal.

"Hey," I say like an idiot.

"Hey," Michael repeats me and then I'm left trying to think of how to start.

"Can we go somewhere for a second?" I ask pointing over my shoulder.

"Yeah, sure." Michael says unenthusiastically. Suddenly I regret wanting to confront him. What if he is hurt? I don't want him to be hurt. All I want to do is make him happy. As we're walking though I can't help but feel a pair of eyes watch me as I walk with Michael.

"The dumpsters? Nice." Michael comments at my choice of spots. I just shrug. In all honesty I just don't want to be seen, I don't want anybody to even suspect what's happening between Michael and I. At least not until I apologize.

"Excuse me. Let me go get a microphone so we can talk over the PA system." I counter and Michael raises his hands in defense.

"So what do you want?" Michael just asks plainly. If Michael is hurting at all I couldn't tell. Considering how well I know Michael that's a feat.

"I just…I needed to say something, about that thing at the youth center." I stumble out. I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight. Just having Michael in front of me makes me flustered and tongue tied. I'm really regretting not just texting Michael apologies.

"It was my fault. I came on too strong too fast…" Michael starts but it just makes me ticked off. Michael was trying to take the blame but it's not. It's mine.

"No!" I yell and cringe at how loud I am. "No it's not your fault." I say softer now, "You were just being honest and I was just being a coward. I was just being a pussy." I say before I lose my courage. "I'm still scared."

"Just tell me what it is you want." Michael says. That's the only part that I haven't figured out. I don't know what I want. How does anyone know what they want? Maybe I want Michael today but what about tomorrow? Or the next day, month, years from now? If I put a label on myself and it turns out not true I'll be stuck with it forever.

"I don't know okay. I know…I know a part of me wants you. More than anything I've ever wanted. I can't get you out of my damn head." I rake my fingers through my hair in another futile attempt to pull the thoughts out of my mind. "And it's your fault. Because you just had to go kiss me."

"Would you prefer me to keep it bottled up forever?" He asks.

"Yes!" I yell immediately but I instantly regret it, "No, maybe. I don't know okay."

"You seem conflicted about it." Michael notes and I laugh at how blunt it is.

"No shit Sherlock. How did you deal with it? Years of this BS?" I ask, trying to imagine just one more day with my inner turmoil seems unbearable.

"Hanging out with you every day helped. When you didn't avoid my calls or texts."

"Sorry about that." I apologize again.

"But it also just made me want you more. I get it though, it's confusing." Michael says like he's all knowing. He might well be, he must have it all figured out by now.

"So you know exactly what you want? How do you deal with it?"

"It doesn't help to push it away. I think everyone wants to deny it for a while but eventually you just know. Acceptance I guess. Came about three years ago over you." I cringe at that. Thoughts of Michael liking me for so long are a mixture flattering and uncomfortable. Like maybe he was watching me that whole time, just longing for me.

"Have you ever thought about anybody else? What about that girl?" I ask and a sting pangs my chest as I remember the bitch that sucked Michael's cock. Before I could. Michael suddenly looks at the ground, I can see the hurt on his face at the mention of _her._

"She was just a fling." Michael says to the ground.

"But you felt something for her right? So what does that make you? Gay, bisexual, just confused? What about me? Am I just a fling?" my voice rises before I can control myself. What if Michael is just playing me? What the hell does that make me? Just another notch under his belt.

Michael suddenly looks up at me with a determined face. He cups my face in his soft hands. I shudder at his touch, a longing for his touch, which had been plaguing me since the weekend finally bursts free, and I'm left wanting to be so much closer to Michael.

"I told you. I love you. I don't know how to make that clearer besides just saying it over and over." He tilts my head and puts his wet lips against my ear. Another involuntary shudder rages against my self-control that's keeping me from having my way with Michael right now. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll always love you."

At each confession of love I feel my self-control breaking, piece by piece.


	28. Chapter 28

"Sstop," I manage to stutter out. I grip Michael by the shoulders and hold him at arm's length. Michael's expression drops, like a sad puppy and I feel feelings arise in my chest. I block them though and keep him at bay. If he whispered one more word I might just fall apart. "Don't…just…don't do that."

Michael's faces starts to brighten as he realizes his reaction on me, rather my member. Just a few words and he's managed to get me hard as a rock.

"He doesn't seem very conflicted." Michael states pointing at my bulge. My face burns as I try to twist my legs to hide it.

"_He _is a slut." I point out. "And maybe we should move back a little bit." I put more space between Michael and me, in an attempt to control my hardening boner. I can't help but squirm though as it rubs against my jeans. "Fuck," I wince at the mixed pleasure and pain of it grinding.

"Come on," Michael took my hand and pulled me off until we reached the parking lot.

"Where the hell are we going?" I ask as we run, I still attempt to hide my obvious boner but while running it's painfully obvious.

We reach Michael's SUV. He opens the door for me with a little bow. I frown, not really understanding what the hell we're doing.

"We're ditching." Michael states like it's the most obvious thing ever. I can't say I'm all that thrilled at the idea. The school would definitely call my parents and then what the fuck will I do? But…I don't want to leave Michael yet.

"Fuck it." I decide and jump into the seat.

"Maybe it's just a phase." I consider again between sips of my slushy. Michael nods a little as he sucks on his and I can't help but imagine him sucking on something else, something a little longer than that straw. I blink hard to try and shake the naughty thought.

"I used to think that. I used to think one day I just would stop thinking like that."

"And?" I ask hopefully.

"I think my feelings are pretty clear." I almost stop in my tracks as I remember his _many _confessions of love. I take a long sip of my slushy so I don't have to reply to that. Michael seems to wait for me to say something in response but all I do is slurp awkwardly.

"Nice Slurpee there?" Michael asks tapping my empty cup. I'm pretty sure I've been sucking on air for a while now but I don't know what to say to Michael. I feel like if I say something wrong then everything could blow up in my face. Instead I just nod vigorously to which Michael laughs. "My point is though that my feelings don't seem to be leaving anytime soon." Michael continues which just about breaks my heart. I feel sadness start to gush inside me.

Instinctively I check over my shoulder. With every time Michael says something remotely close to feelings related I look around. I need to know if anyone heard that, or is watching. I don't see anyone but I still feel an edge as we start walking again.

"I'm pretty sure you've been sucking on air for the past minute." Michael states pulling my cup out of my hands and revealing it to be empty.

"That explains my brain freeze." I say and hold a hand to my head to try and stop the ache. I take a seat at our table, a booth far in the back where I'm sure no one can see us. It shouldn't matter though. The Reef is pretty empty in the middle of a school day.

"Probably,"

"You don't think anyone has noticed what's going on between us?" I ask still a little paranoid.

"I have a proposition." Michael states like he didn't even hear me.

"Okay. Shoot."

"How about for one day we forget about all that bull shit. One day of just being friends. One day where none of those icky feelings even cross our minds." Michael offers. It sounds pretty good right now.

"What about when it's over?" I ask pointing out the obvious fact that the feelings won't die.

"We'll worry about that later. Right now how about we do something more fun?" Michael proposes with a big grin. I laugh a little at how funny his smile is before he takes my hand and pulls me away.

"I could pay you back later." I offer again. Michael having to pay for my admittance is just a tad embarrassing. Michael just shakes his head and buys me a cotton candy, adding to my guilty feeling.

"You eat it." I hand it back to him.

"I bought it for you. That's what _friends…_"He leans in for it, "do for friends."

"I'll still pay you back for admittance though." I repeat again. As soon as I can scrounge up fifty bucks. Fuck, why does the Boardwalk have to be so expensive? I'll never be able to pay him back.

"I'm sure we can figure out some other way for you to pay me back." Michael says and for a second I wonder if that's some sort of sexual innuendo. I study Michael's face to look for a sign. He just smiles and laughs. Well that's unhelpful.

"So what do you want to go on first?" I look around at all the impossibly high rides. MY stomach does a little flip as I look at The Drop. Takes you up, and over and down at a 90 degree angle.

"Fuck that's high." I shiver out staring up at it.

"What's the matter you scared of heights?" Michael jabs at my side. I brush him off and continue to stare up at that monster. Who in their right mind would go on that? "Come on, I'll race you." He says before he heads right for the drop. I can't help but stare at him as he jumps excitedly. He looks so happy, like a little kid. Something inside me gushes and, very slowly, I make my way to that abomination known as The Drop.

"I don't think this was a good idea." It might be a little late for these thoughts when I'm over 500 feet in the air. Why the fuck did I do this? Why did Michael have to be so distracting?

"Here," Michael took my hand, setting off tingles that shot up my arm. Now I remember, but I still regret it. "It'll be fun." Michael yelled as we reached the peak. Now I could see the tiny, tiny, microscopic people a million miles away on planet earth.

"Aw fuck. Shit, shit, shit." I still curse as I feel us start to lurch forward. "If I die, I swear to god I'll come back to kill you." I threaten one more time before we take off.

"What the fuck was that?" Michael asks as I run back from the bathroom. I couldn't puke in front of Michael, that wouldn't be a good move, even if we are just friends right now. In hindsight eating all that cotton candy before coming here may not have been the best idea.

"Had to piss." I lie and wipe my mouth one last time, to make sure there's nothing left.

"Alright well I'm starving want some food? I saw a cheeseburger place over that way." Michael offers but my stomach does a little churn at the mention of food. I have to resist the urge to blow chunks all over again. "Are you okay? You look a little…green."

"Yeah, Come on let's go get…cheeseburgers." I instantly regret saying.

"The best time was definitely when in your room." Michael argues.

"What?" I ask between sips of water. The only thing that doesn't make me want to hurl. "What about the time in the back of my car?"

"It was way more fun when we were scared your mom was gonna come in." Michael says with a suggestive eyebrow. I laugh remembering how terrified I was the entire time. Michael however convinced me it would be more fun with the edge of nerves. Suffice is to say it wasn't.

He takes another bite of that burger and I swallow to keep back any more of that cotton candy. "It wasn't fun it was just terrifying. Plus the car was the first time we ever did it together." I point out.

"You got to admit though, the bedroom was a lot more comfy. Plus you didn't leave any stains in there."

"You did though. You set off a fire alarm with all your smoke." I say to which Michael shrugs.

"The smoke stain went away after a while."

"After _I _washed it all off. I swear my mom smelt it or something. You're lucky she didn't kill me."

"Just goes to show you, smoking weed is fun wherever you are." Michael says all high and mighty, just because he ran out of argument.

"Yeah, in a safer place like the car." I say again. It was the first time Michael ever gave me any. I think his brother gave him some first. I study Michael for a second. I wonder if he kept his promise or not, to stay away from Garrett's more…risky products. Michael still looks good, that's a given, but I can't tell honestly. The thought of Michael doing that makes me angry, it sets something off inside me that just wants to protect Michael.

"You wanted to start driving afterward!" Michael almost yells and I laugh remembering how much I wanted to go get a taco after we started. I nearly drove right into a pole.

"Let's remember who gave me that stuff." I ask eyeing Michael. He scoffs like it's not true.

"Who gave it to me? Garrett that's who," Michael says. "When we were what? How old were we?" I search in my mind for date, I think maybe…fourteen when we started. Everyone else sort of started too around then.

"Fourteen maybe. It seems really bad now that I think about it." I answer.

"You know that saying, 'everyone was doing it.'"

"Don't give in the peer pressure Michael"

"I won't," Michael says crossing his heart with his hand. Well Michael's dead then.

"Or drugs." I find myself saying automatically. Michael laughs but he doesn't know how serious I am about this one. "Nothing your big bad brother gives you." Michael's smile suddenly fades as he seems to get that I'm serious.

"I'm not doing coke. I'm not a pot head either, or a meth junkie. I'm not a junkie." Michael says all playfulness gone. He almost seems mad, going on these subjects with him are always tricky, probably because of how fucked up his family is. But I can't help that side of me that just wants to keep Michael safe.

"I know."

"So stop looking at me like I'm one."

"I'm not." I promise but it's a bit of a lie.

"Can we talk about something else?" Michael asks irritably, we do but now there's a slight edge to Michael for the rest of our talk.

"You won me a bear?" Michael asks as I hand him the giant bear. Michael almost buckles under, considering it's almost as big as him.

"You don't like it?" I ask.

"No, no" He quickly says from behind the bear, "Jesus what did you do stuff a carnie in here?"

"Here I'll hold it." I take it back and buckle a little too. _Damn when did these things get heavy?_

"Come on. We should probably start heading back before your big bad mommy gets worried." Michael teases me in a baby voice. I'm tempted to say something back but if I were to say something about his parents…it wouldn't end well.

As we leave the park I'm suddenly caught up a mixture of dread and anxiety. We promised to be friends for the day but now the day was getting very to over? So where would we be then?

I look at Michael, trying to see if maybe he's anxious. If he is he's doing an excellent job of hiding it. He walks just like normal, like we're not about to possibly hash out some feelings for each other.

The entire car ride home I feel my anxiety building up. I hadn't really given a lot of thought to us with this break and I'm not sure if I want to go back to that bull shit between us. So why should I go back to that.

By the time we reach my house I check the clock. It's near midnight, well fuck now I really have hell to pay. I reach for the door handle but Michael hits the lock button.

"What?" I ask but Michael isn't looking at me.

"So now that the days over…what is it you want?" he simply asks.

"I'm supposed to figure it out in one day?" I ask.

"No but do you have any idea? Do you want me or not?" Michael asks finally looking at me. Something about his stare breaks my heart, he's not angry he just looks tired. It must be a lot of wear and tear to love someone for so long and never tell them. I've just been dealing with this for a few weeks, he's been dealing with this for years on end.

"I think I want you. But I just don't know if I'm gay okay. I don't know and I don't want anybody else to know. I don't want to call you my boyfriend. I don't want us to stop being friends…even if we become something else. I want you…but while I figure out what it is…just don't rush me okay?" I finally manage to finish and just stare at Michael franticly waiting for his reply.

"Okay," he says coolly. He slips a hand around my neck and pulls me down for a kiss. It's quick, a peck but it still has me a little flustered and aching for more. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Yeah," I say trying to keep my face from burning from the kiss. "See you later," I say before I step out and watch as Michael drives away. Great, good, okay now that that's decided. Now I just have to deal with my mom…aw fuck.


	29. Chapter 29

I find myself standing outside the door for a while. I check my watch again, 11:54. Fuck. Why the fuck did I decide to spend the day with Michael again? Not only did I cut school, I…decided stuff with Michael._Crap_.

Eventually I realize it's only making it worse to stay out here. Although I do wait a few more minutes, I eventually muster up the courage to open the door and turn before I can see my mother sitting on the couch. I tentatively shut the door, praying it doesn't make a sound. Slowly I turn and find exactly what I expect. It was just too much to hope for that she would just be asleep already.

"Hey, you um…did you know school was cancelled today?" I try hoping maybe by some miracle she believes me. She just looks at me. Not with anger, or sadness or any emotion really. She just looks at me as though it was just any other day.

"Where have you been?" she asks and I take interest in how detached she is about it. Anger or yelling I'm more prepared for but this? It's like I entered the Twilight Zone.

"I was out with…Michael." I admit. I don't want to lie to her. I've lied to her too much already.

"And what did you and Michael do? Besides him having you cut school?" she asks finally looking at me. Not angry but disappointed. _Crap._Anger can at least give me an excuse to be angry back at her but if she plays the hurt party all I'll feel is guilty.

"It's not Michael's fault," actually it sort of was, but let's not think about that right now. "I decided to go along with it."

"Why? I don't understand what's going on with you Blake. You're skipping school. You're coming home at all hours. And your father and I got a letter in the mail about your court appearance for breaking a window." She says with that same damned look of concern.

"I…I was going to tell you about that."

"When?" she asks finally letting her voice rise and transforming her face of disappointment to that of hate and disgust.

"Sometime." I answer not sure if I was actually ever going to tell them.

"What is happening to you? Ever since you hurt your head you've started changing." She strides closer, taking my head in her hands. "What happened to my baby boy?"

"I'm right here mom. I'm not different, I'm just growing up." She drops her hands like I've cursed at her. She quickly pulls away and turns her back to me.

"Your father will talk to you in the morning about the window." She says as she starts heading toward her room. Before she crosses the door though she turns back and gives me one more look, "If this is growing up, I just wish you wouldn't be in a hurry to do it."

"Me too," I say once she's inside.


	30. Chapter 30

"Mom?" Michael calls as he enters inside. He doesn't expect answer, more of a grunt maybe. Some dishes clatter maybe? Any sign that she hasn't keeled over while Michael was away. As Michael enters the living room he finds her passed out over the couch, a bottle of petrol in hand. "Fuck." Michael cusses looking at the mess around her.

Instinctively Michael takes the tequila bottle from her and places it far away from the lit cigarette still in her hand. _Great, not only is she gonna kill herself but she'll burn the house down too. _He thinks as he starts picking up the trash scattered around the room. Old newspaper, dishes from last week, and a mess of empty liquor bottles.

By the time he finishes his mom starts to stir on the couch. Michael kneels next to her and plants a kiss on her forehead. When she spots him with her bloodshot eyes a smile grows across her face. Michael remembers when she wasn't like this, but everything seemed to change so fast.

"Mikey," she says in a ragged voice. As she says it the stench of alcohol hits Michael. It used to make Michael cringe. Now it has no effect.

"Hey mom," Michael greets with a little hug. While he's holding her he can't help but imagine keeping her from drinking again. Maybe if he holds her long enough she won't feel the urge.

"I was just taking a nap."

"I know," Michael says still holding her in his arms. He knows it's a lie. It's always a nap, or just one glass, or even the 'I'm a grown woman'. When that happens it's sometimes accompanied with a slap. At least this time she's a happy drunk.

"I was just going to…cleaning up" she says trying to get off the couch.

"It's fine mom I did it." Michael reassures her which gives her another warm smile.

"Such a good boy," she says holding Michael's face in her hand. After that her eyes seem to droop and she once again passes out. Michael just sighs. This has become a regular routine since he was about thirteen.

Michael picks her up and takes her across the house to her room. Inside it looks so perfect in here, spotless really. Family pictures on the wall, one in particular sticks out. A Christmas when Michael was six.

Michael remembered being so excited to see what 'Santa' brought him. When he got downstairs it was overrun with presents. An ocean of toy robots and cuddly teddy bears. But something was missing. The cookies Michael had left for Santa were untouched. Maybe gingerbread wasn't a good choice. Dad was missing, and so was mom. Even Garrett was gone. Michael remembers running to their rooms hoping to find them still asleep but every bed was empty. He found a note in Garrett's room saying he was 'out'. Garrett had always been out lately, whatever he was doing with his friends all day and night, Michael didn't know. But Garrett told him to keep it a secret that Garrett sneaked out every night so Michael did.

He remembered then searching for his parents. He remembered running outside in his pajamas to find his mom and dad in the drive way. Michael was about to run out to them until he heard them shouting. He hid behind a bush and watched as they argued. What was it about? He remembered hearing about some kind of trip, business he assumed. It was usual, dad always left for trips. But this was the first time Mom started screaming back. Michael can remember flinching when mom slapped dad. She slapped him so loud Michael's ears almost popped.

After seeing that, Michael saw Christmas differently. Especially when he heard a phone conversation between his mom and someone Michael didn't know. He did know that his mom was crying and taking shots out of the big glass bottle that's name sound like T-rex. He heard her crying for a while, all Michael wanted to do was run up to her and hug her, try to make her pain go away. He heard some name, Veronica. Along with some words his mom told him never to say out loud. Michael remembered as that bottle of clear liquid started to run out, poured into tiny glasses over and over until eventually it was done and mom was asleep again on the couch. Michael tried to wake her up, he poked her over and over but she never woke.

The next day they all got together for that family photo in front of the Christmas tree. Garrett was there so that made Michael feel somewhat better. But his mom and dad barely looked at each other, in front of the camera men that had simple pleasantries but Michael could feel the tension between them.

To this day that picture is a lie. The happy faces are lies. The perfect family is lies. Michael's whole life felt like a lie. So when Michael saw it he had a feeling of revulsion looking at that lie they showcase to everyone.

Michael laid his mother down on her big comfy bed. He rolled her on her side to make sure she didn't choke on her tongue. Just what he always does for his mom. He laid one last kiss on his mom's forehead before heading out of her room. On his way out he saw one more picture of his mother. A young picture, maybe when she was Michael's age. He could see why people called her beautiful, she was. Then he saw a picture of her and his father's wedding. They looked in love then so what happened? Michael couldn't help but resent his father for hurting his mother like this.

Michael started to head toward the kitchen hoping to find some kind of snack before bed. He nearly jumped when he heard the front door start to open. Michael figured it was probably just Garrett maybe. Occasionally he came home from college to free load at home sometimes.

But it wasn't Garrett. It was someone Michael hadn't seen in about a month. Michael's dad walked in.


	31. Chapter 30 part 2

At first Michael had to do a double take to be sure it really was his dad. He secretly hoped he was wrong and his dad hadn't come home. It was too much to hope for. His dad had grown a small beard since he last saw him. Michael noticed the phone still in hand, he was always talking to someone. Even when he was home he wasn't.

Michael could see why people compared him to his father. Ever since he was little people would call him a little version of his dad. He looked exactly like his dad, just slightly younger. And this scared Michael. He didn't want to be anything like his father. Around maybe three months out of the year. Never there for anyone, even his sons. Probably cheating on his mom.

Michael seemed to have caught his dad at the end of his conversation. He heard a few friendly goodbyes before he hung up. It was then that he finally seemed to notice Michael standing in the archway to the kitchen just watching his dad.

"Michael, what are you doing up? Isn't it a school night?" He asks like he actually cares. As he does he seems to check something on his phone.

"Like you care," Michael grumbled.

"What's that?" He calls, still looking at his phone.

"Nothing." Michael quickly answers. "How long are you home for?"

"Maybe a week. I have a conference up in Chicago, then a lecture in Seattle soon after that." He answers. _Good. _Michael thought, _the quicker he gets out the better._

"Alright," Michael answers while starting to retreat toward the staircase.

"Whoa, slow down there. I just got home tell me what you've been up to." He asks finally looking up from his phone and at Michael. For a second Michael wanted to say something. Maybe try to make…something happen. Michael opened his mouth to start but as he did a phone beep went off. Instantly his dad picked it up.

"Actually I have to take this. We'll talk later?" He says before stepping into the den.

"Yeah, sure dad." Michael automatically says, only a little crestfallen that he missed his chance to say something.


	32. Chapter 31

Michael chucked another rock. It landed with a clang but still no answer. Michael couldn't help but pace back and forth across the lawn waiting for an answer. _Come on Blake, stop masturbating and answer the damn window. _Michael couldn't help but feel like a stalker standing in front of Blake's window at about 1:36 in the morning.

Michael decided it would be better to just sleep in his car tonight when suddenly he saw Blake's outline in the window. For a second Michael's heart skipped a beat. Even half asleep and scruffy haired Blake still managed to make Michael's heart skip beats. He seemed to notice Michael who just looked back at him, still somewhat mesmerized by how…adorable Blake was half asleep.

Blake made a motion to go around back to which Michael nearly ran to the back door. He waited a few seconds in preparation for his reason for being here. Michael wasn't really sure himself why he was here. After seeing his dad…he just immediately needed to see Blake. He wasn't sure why but he just needed to see him, even just for a second.

When Blake opened the door and stepped out Michael's heart again jumped a beat. _Fuck. _How can someone that scruffy look so good. "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?" Blake asked through a yawn. At this point though Michael couldn't help himself. He threw his arms around Blake's neck and pushed him to the door in a hug. Blake nearly tumbled on top of Michael but managed to regain his balance by grasping Michael back.

"Hey it's okay." Blake said into Michael's hair, his soothing voice set shudder's down Michael's back. He started to rub against Michael back, Michael had to resist moaning in ecstasy at the touch.

Michael wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. It felt like hours but in reality it was probably only a few minutes. "Are you okay?" Blake asked after they finally parted. Michael fought the urge to let a tear pass down his cheek. Instead he bit his lip and nodded. "You want to stay here tonight?"

Just those words made Michael swoon on the inside, filling up with almost happiness that at least he could count on Blake. Even if there was no one else to count on he would always have Blake. Michael just nodded again. Blake put an arm around Michael's shoulders, letting Michael rest his head against Blake's chest. He led Michael the familiar route up to his room and laid him down on his bed. Michael sat on the edge and twiddled his thumbs, trying to decide whether or not tell Blake that his dad was back.

Blake didn't ask why Michael came. He never did. He seemed to understand that if Michael wanted to say why he would, but if Michael didn't he shouldn't pry. Instead Blake pulled out some sleeping clothes for Michael and silently handed them to him.

Graciously he took them and stepped into the bathroom. He didn't really have the courage to strip in front of Blake anymore. He took a seat on the toilet and for a second, just one second he let a tear escape along with a silent sob. Both of which he quickly stifled and wiped the tear off his face. He put on Blake's clothes. They were a bit too large for Michael, you'd think by now they would have put some of Michael's clothes in his house. Michael's liked the fact that he had these though. It was comforting, even the scent. Musky, yet sweet at the same time, it made Michael feel safe. Almost as safe as he felt when he was with Blake.

Michael, now recomposed, stepped back into the room to find Blake sitting on the edge of the bed. Michael sat next to Blake, not quite sure what he was doing. As he did Blake took Michael's hand and sent chills up and through Michael's entire body. An involuntary grin edged its way across Michael's face as Blake laced their fingers together.

"You know if you ever want to talk…I'll always be here for you." Blake said and Michael almost stopped right there. Michael didn't want to go on. In this moment Michael felt…everything for Blake. Happy that he cared, sad that he cared, even a bit angry that he thought he needed to protect Michael. But that overpowering feeling of warmth won out as Blake laid a kiss on Michael's forehead.

"I love you." Michael let slip out. The second he did he immediately wanted to stuff it back in. Blake wanted to take it slow, very slow and Michael had no problem with that, as long as he could have Blake.

Blake didn't seem to react to the declaration though. Instead he just smirked like Michael had told a joke. "I know." Blake said back and planted one more kiss on the top of Michael's head.

Michael took his hand back and laid back on Blake's bed. Suddenly overcome with a feeling of exhaustion. Michael just wanted to sleep. But he couldn't. Something inside him kept him awake with uneasy thoughts of home. Michael almost jumped as he felt a hand slip around his chest and a giant warm source touch his back. Blake cradled Michael against him and laid another kiss against his ear. Michael's ear twitched and burned at the touch but Michael didn't mind. At least now he felt safe.

Something about sleeping in Blake's arms almost made Michael sad. It must be damn hormones but Michael couldn't hold back another tear and another silent cry. "Goodnight Mikey," Blake whispered against Michael's neck, sending chills down his back.

"Good night. Blakey," At least he didn't have to worry about falling asleep now, in Blake's arms Michael's problems seemed to dissipate and sleep was suddenly easy.


	33. Chapter 32

Michael didn't want to leave the next morning. All he wanted to do was just stay wrapped up in a Blake's arms. Like a cocoon of safety, where Michael could just relax. Of course though, the cocoon didn't keep Michael safe from his dreams, blurry images of someone, some giant looming over Michael. It made Michael feel small and powerless. Before Michael woke he saw something, a huge foot coming down on him. Then he woke, physically he was silent and still, but on the inside he was terrified. Even wrapped tightly in Blake's arms he couldn't help but shake with fear and anticipation.

He looked at the clock on the night stand. Only 5:26. Michael could have just stayed a for a few more minutes of comfort wrapped around Blake but something inside Michael was itching to get away. Not that he didn't love how good it felt to be with him, it was the only thing lately that made Michael feel good at all. But Michael didn't really want to see anybody right now. Not even Blake.

So, very reluctantly, Michael slipped under Blake's arms and stuffed them with a pillow Michael had been sleeping on. Michael looked down and realized he was still in Blake's clothes. Quickly he changed back to his own and placed the pants on the dresser but tucked the shirt into his pocket. Something about having it made all this seem more real, the fact that Blake could love him seem all the more possible. Plus it was easier to fall asleep at night when he was wearing it, there was just something comforting about the scent.

Before he left he laid one last kiss on Blake's forehead and whispered those three little words again. After that he forced himself out of the room and crept quickly through the rest of the house until he made it to his car. He laid his eyes up at Blake's bedroom once more. All Michael wanted was for Blake to be happy. Not fucked up like Michael. The problem was that Michael was sure he was gonna fuck Blake up somehow.

He considered skipping school. No one would notice if he didn't show. Well that's not true. Someone would notice. The guy whose bed he slept in last night would definitely notice if Michael didn't show. That was really the only reason Michael showed up today. Well that and for Calculus. That and Blake were the only reasons Michael decided to show today.

Although when that first bell rang to start the day and Michael hadn't found Blake yet Michael started to regret not ditching. He took his seat at the back of the class next to the empty desk for Blake.

About five minutes into Physics class Blake conveniently came scrambling in with apologies about being tardy. Our teacher, Mr. Wilson started to go off on some tangent about how we shouldn't be late, and how class started at eight exactly. The whole time Michael wanted to tell him to go shove it. He couldn't stand him lecturing Blake. He had to grip the desk to keep from standing and yelling back.

Eventually Blake come to his seat next to Michael, before he did though he slipped something onto Michael's desk, a watch, Michael's watch that had been missing this morning when Michael left Blake house. "I thought it was a dream?"

"What?" Michael whispered, not quite sure what he meant. Blake just smirked that adorable smile which set Michael's heart off again.

"I thought you coming over last night was a dream. Until I found that," He points to the watch that Michael puts on.

"Thanks."

"It's just your watch."

"No," Michael laughs at how ignorant he is, "Thanks for last night."

"You know I meant what I said, if you ever want to talk or something…I'll always be here." At that Michael's heart seemed to do another flip. Michael took an audible gulp so he could make coherent words._Did he suspect something? Obviously but did he know __**he**__ was back?_

"I know."

"Come on guys." Abraham pleaded again. This time though everyone was defiant in their group 'no'. Abraham threw up his hands in defeat. "Fine then there will be no party this weekend."

"We want the party, we just don't want to be on cleanup crew again. Get some other friends…oh wait you don't have any." Ailyn said sympathetically to which there was laughs.

"Someone has to clean up." Abraham explains but no one seems to be listening at this point.

"How about you don't invite half the school." Nellie points out. "How do you even know that many people?"

"They're my twitter followers." Abraham explains like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "I invite all of them. Contrary to some belief," He shoots Ailyn a dirty look to which she just sneers. "I have friends besides you losers."

"Great. Now get them to clean up your house." Shanna says.

"But you guys know I love you all the best…" Abraham says putting his arms around the two closet people. "Which is why I know my best friends will help me clean." Everyone grimaces as they think of last pick up. Michael remembers falling down the stairs. He still has the bruises to prove it. But he also remembers the night before. How drunken Blake was. When Blake cornered Michael against the guest bedroom and drunkenly slurred "That kiss was really hot. Wanna…ddo it again?" He asked and it took all Michael's strength to not jump Blake right there. Something about Blake being drunk…it made Michael feel guilty for how much he just wanted to kiss him. Instead Michael dodged the kiss but Blake, still inebriated, toppled Michael to the bed. Michael pushed and tugged but he couldn't even budge the passed out Blake. He decided to let him sleep it off but with Blake breathing against Michael neck he couldn't stop the hard on to come.

A nudge against his shin made Michael snap back. He looked to see Blake grinning from across the table. Michael couldn't stop another grin as he nudged him back. "We'll talk about it." Ailyn said as she and some others started to leave the table and so did a few others.

Only Michael and Nellie were still eating as all the others left. Blake managed to show one more grin to Michael before getting lost in a crowd of people. Michael couldn't wipe the obvious smile off his face, even though Nellie was watching.

"You and Blake better?" she asked. Michael froze at the question._Did she suspect? _Michael swallowed the food still stuck in his throat and let out a slight cough.

"Yeah, I guess." Michael answered trying not to actually choke now.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked looking around to see if anyone was near. The closest person was the Janitor sweeping around the trash cans. Once she seemed to decide it was safe she leaned closer to Michael like she was letting him in on a secret.

"I sort of kissed Blake." It was probably a bad idea to try and wash down the food with water at that time. He was fast enough to not spray Nellie, although he did spray the space next to him. "You okay?"

"Yeah," _NO. _Michael lied but kept a cool face, although on the inside he was dying from this. "When?"

"At the youth center, I just wanted to see if maybe you knew if Blake…liked me. He sort of kissed me." Nellie went on. Michael wanted to cover his ears and block this but instead he just held a shocked face.

"Was it good?" Michael found himself saying before he could stop himself. _Fuck. _Nellie tilted her head in question at the question but Michael just sipped his water to fill up the silence.

"Dear god yes. But do you think he likes me?" She sounded hopeful. Michael had to resist the urge to punch her, then maybe Blake as well.

"I don't know, maybe." Michael just said. Nellie seemed to drop a little at that. Michael couldn't help but feel a little happiness at crushing that. But something inside him was also building. _Why the fuck did he kiss her?_But then again maybe this was the perfect time to get rid of his guilty conscious.

"This is…random but…" Michael started rambling, "Remember what we talked about at the youth center?" Nellie stopped and suddenly had a serious face on. She scratched her neck uncomfortably and stared at her food. It wasn't much better for Michael either.

"Yeah,"

"I just want to be clear that you won't…tell anybody about it." Michael explained.

"Jesus Michael do we have to talk about it here? I'm not gonna tell anyone what we did at band camp alright?" Michael nodded, but not very assured that his secret was safe.


	34. Chapter 33

All day I was sort of itching to see Michael. When I first woke up I remembered Michael being here, but when he was gone in the morning I just chucked it off as a dream. That is until I found his watch still sitting on my nightstand. I can't explain why but seeing that there, and just knowing Michael had been here. That I had been holding him last night, it made me feel really…good. It made me almost excited to see him later. The moment I did, after Mr. Wilson gave me a good long lecture, I couldn't help but smile. I can't deny that a part of me lights up when I see Michael. Who cares what religion and people think, the fact is that Michael makes me happy. And right now I really want that.

So after school, I decide to cut football practice and look for Michael. I do a sort of speed walk down the halls toward his locker. It must have looked really strange with this happy grin plastered to my face but I don't care. Michael just made me want to smile.

When I caught sight of him just outside his locker my heart almost jumped a beat. Maybe it wasn't natural to feel this way about Michael, but dammit it felt real good. Stealthily I slipped behind him and grabbed his hand pulling him along against his will.

"What the…Blake? What the fuck are you doing?" He protested as I pulled him along through the halls. I still felt self-conscious as people saw me pulling Michael along but that happy feeling inside of me just grew bigger as I held his hand. I stopped as soon as we reached a janitor's closet. Maybe it was cliché to do this but I pulled him in and locked the door behind us. The scent of bleach and Windex may not have been the best aromas for this but…fuckit_._

Before Michael could say anything I slipped my arms around his sides and pulled him into an embrace. Just holding him made me tingle from head to toe. Rest my head in the crook of his neck was and just holding him was so much better than any football practice.

"Blake…" Michael started but I couldn't hold it in anymore. After what happened last night I had been aching to do this again. I swiftly cut him off midsentence with a kiss. It was soft and easy at first, but with Michael almost struggling against my lisp to form words I hardened the kiss. I slipped a hand up his back and around his head to hold him in place. I started to get lost in it until suddenly Michael resisted. Well that was a first.

Baffled I just sort of stared at the ground awkwardly as Michael backed away a few steps. He took an interest in the ground too and bit his lip. God, it couldn't be natural to look that…cute. It still feels so odd to associate those kinds of words with Michael, but they're starting to feel more natural.

"Blake….I need to ask you something. Nellie told me…something." Suddenly all thoughts of cuteness were out of my mind. What the fuck would she have told him? Although…the kiss at the youth center. Fuck. Why would she tell him about that? Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"What did she say?" I ask trying to keep a steady voice. Maybe he doesn't know, hopefully he doesn't.

"She…did you kiss her?" Michael asked and I could hear hope in his voice. HE hoped it wasn't true…but it was. And I couldn't lie to Michael right now.

"Yes," I say softly, almost inaudibly, but the hard look on Michael's face tells me he did hear.

"Oh," he just mumbles and shifts his weight a little. He bites his lips again, and looks to be on the edge of saying something. I don't want to hear it though. I don't want to know how much it must have hurt Michael. Before he could say anything I cut him off.

"It was just an impulse. I…it didn't mean anything." I start explaining. "I just…I was confused and I wanted to see if maybe…I still liked kissing girls."

"Did you?" I look at the ground again. Michael must take my silence for an answer. "Oh," he mumbles again.

"But I don't like Nellie like that." I take Michael's hand in mine and close the gap between us. "I…think I want you like that."

"Think, you always think. Fuck can't you just make up your damn mind already?" Michael whispers, it's not angry more of like a tired mumble.

"I…" I struggle to actually say those words, every time it just doesn't slip off the tongue. "I want you." I force myself to confess although I can't help a little cringe from saying it.

"How was it? The kiss?" Michael asks and now I really cringe. Is he really gonna make me explain it?

"It was…nice." I say truthfully, but Michael's face drops into a little frown. I take his face in my hands though and force him to look up at me. "But it was nothing compared to you." I say with a grin. That seems to make Michael light up just a little bit.

"Oh so I'm a better kisser than Nellie?" Michael asks with a little cocky grin. Shit, I'll never live that down.

"Maybe?" I shrug and intertwine my fingers with Michael's causing my stomach to do a little flip. "Maybe we should test that out." Michael holds that grin as he lifts up to kiss me. It's soft and sweet, not hard or passionate, just a nice sweet kiss that makes my heart speed up, my stomach do summersaults, and my head go a little dizzy.

"So," Michael pulls away and I have to blink a few times to regain my composure, along with the burning on my face. I clear my throat awkwardly because I know I can't make coherent sentences right now.

"Yeah…it was nice." I manage to say but Michael lights up and pulls me down for another, thankfully longer, kiss.

"So we're okay?" I ask as we leave the janitor's closet. I peek out the door and see nobody down either hall. I nod to say it's okay to go. Michael just rolls his eyes though, like he doesn't care if there was anybody was there.

Once we're out he takes my hand but I can't help but instantly drop it and look around to see if anyone saw. No one, I sigh in relief but Michael looks a little hurt again. "Sorry," I mumble and take Michael's hand back. He seems a little reluctant now to hold mine but he does it anyway. Michael seems to want to say something, I can almost see the little gears turning in his head but he seems to decide against it. It's alright with me. I would take any crap he had to say about me kissing Nellie. And I would do my best to make it up to him, even if it meant a few kisses on my part.


	35. Chapter 34

"So I had an idea." I finally gathered the courage to ask. Michael turned his head in question but I sort of shrugged and wished I hadn't even brought it up. "I just thought that maybe…you know since we're sort of…maybe we could…if you're not busy I thought we could…"I babble on like an idiot. I hate how flustered Michael makes me. Michael puts a finger to my lips and I find myself staring cross-eyed down at it.

"Blake Jenner, are you asking me out on a date." I can't help but look around to see if anyone heard. Thankfully no one was in hearing distance from Michael's locker. Even then though, I'm still a little wary. Michael just has a smug grin that I sort of groan at.

"Well I don't know if I would call it…" I start but I'm quickly stopped by Michael leaning up and placing a kiss on my lips. That overwhelming feeling of tingles captivates my body and I close my eyes to try to soak in it. Even though it's just a peck the feelings are near overwhelming. Michael pulls away but I don't move my face. I don't want it to be over yet.

"You okay?" he asks with a laugh. My face burns as I realize how stupid I must look.

"Yeah…uh huh," I answer trying to hide hot red my face is. Michael doesn't let me hide though as he takes my hand in his and leans in to whisper.

"I'd love to go on a date with you." His breath sent chills vibrating down my back, to say nothing of my scarlet face.

"Yyeah." I manage to stutter.

"Hey!" Someone calls in my direction, I dropped Michael's hand so quickly I must have left a burn. Michael suddenly almost glares at me but I just stare behind him as I spot Shanna and Abraham coming in our direction.

"Hey," I call back. Michael turns his sour face into a more neutral one before turning back and giving a very convincing smile.

"What's up?" Michael asks convincingly. No one but me could tell how pissed he must be at me. A little piece of me beats me up inside for how much of a coward I must be.

"Just letting you people know that the party is on. I knew you all were good friends?" Abraham said in a fake loving voice. I stifled another groan. I hadn't even accepted to be on cleanup crew but Abraham got Ailyn to accept and took that as everyone saying yes.

"Yeah it'll be fun," Shanna said unenthusiastically, pushing Abraham a little. "So what are you guys up to till then?" She asks quickly turning back to her perky self.

"Um…" I start not really sure what to say. I want to keep my weekend free for Michael and I but I can't actually say that. Michael though comes to my rescue.

"We're going hiking," Well sort of. I turn to Michael and give him a silent, _What the fuck? _Look. He ignores me though, "Yeah we're going up Mt. Belford." Michael goes on and my face drops even further. That has got to be like 20,000 feet up. Did Michael forget I'm afraid of heights?

"Blake's going hiking?" Abraham bursts out laughing and my face suddenly hardens.

"It's not that funny." I mutter, although I know it must be. Shanna joins in on Abrahams laughing and they hold each other up as they both seem to crack up. "Shut up," I moan and sulk away. I can climb a mountain, hopefully, maybe, probably not.

"Hey Blake," Michael stops me as we round a corner away from the laughing cows over there. "We don't have to go hiking. I just said that so she wouldn't pry."

"What you think I can't do it too?" I ask and Michael sort of awkwardly looks away.

"Saturday we're going hiking." I say determined as I see Michael trying to suppress a smile.

"Not much of a date." I find myself saying at the trail entrance Saturday morning. Bright and early, meaning we were here at six am. I still had trouble keeping my eyes from gluing shut, but I power through, if only to prove Michael wrong.

The forest seems to stretch on for miles around the mountain. The evergreens stalk over us, all standing like giants around us. I look back at the car parked safely on the ground, far, far away from the mountain I'm staring up at. Michael shrugs as he takes the lead. He's been up this trail a few times, Michael was sort of a hiking enthusiast. Me on the other hand, I liked to stay on planet earth.

Michael being a hiking enthusiast had picked out my clothing and supplies for the trip. We both sported a simple shirt but also this uncomfortably tight spandex pants. I didn't bother to check in my pack, I just assumed Michael was prepared. I still couldn't understand why Michael liked to go hiking so much. I think spending so much time alone in the woods would get…unnerving after a while.

"I don't know, you and me…alone in the woods." Michael suggests and I find myself sort of blushing again.

"Are you suggesting something?" I ask. Michael looks back at me with a smirk for an answer.

"Maybe, hurry up or we won't make it before the party tonight." Michael says and quickens his pace up the mountain. I find myself staring just a little under the bottom of his back pack. I guess these spandex pants weren't all bad. The view was nice.

"Tired?" Michael asks after I ask for another break. We've only been hiking about twenty minutes but I feel like my legs are gonna fall off. All the football in the world will not give you the endurance to make it up this damned steep mountain.

"No," I brush it off and try to keep my breaths steady. Michael laughs a little and sets us off on boulder off to the side of the trail. We both just sit and I search my pack for my water bottle, I take a sip but frown when I find it's empty. _Fuck._

"Here," Michael hands me his. I grin and take it.

"Thanks," I say before taking a nice long gulp to soothe my aching body. After I've relaxed a little I look around at the forest Michael visits so often. It seems to go on forever, trees and leaves, and birds chirping every now and then. Occasionally I see another animal like a deer or a squirrel. I can see why Michael likes it here. Aside from this accursedly steep mountain the forest is nice. It's quiet, like a library except for some forest noises but most of those are soothing.

"It's beautiful," I find myself saying still a little awestruck staring around.

"Yeah," Michael chimes, I look at him and find he's staring at me. Somehow I feel like he didn't mean the forest, instantly I take and interest in the stream we just passed and hope to hide my burning face.

"Let's get going." I say and maneuver so Michael can't notice how red my face must be.

"Are we there yet?" I ask after we've hit another hour. It had been at least three and according to Michael every time I asked we were 'almost there'. Pfft, almost there, my ass we are.

"Almost," Michael says from the front. I silently groan, I don't want to complain in front of Michael. But I also sort of want this to be over already. For only so long is nature captivating, after a while it just turns into a bunch of trees and some annoying bird chirps that interrupt your thoughts. "Tired?" Michael stops and I nearly run into him.

"No," I say like it's laughable. I bite my cheeks to keep my breaths easy and not short and spotty.

"How about another break," Michael asks with a grin. We take a seat in a little clearing not too far from the trail. I nearly collapse, losing my will to prove Michael wrong. Michael drops to his side next to me. I can feel his gaze on me but I'm too tired to catch him in the act.

After a few minutes though, and since I've gained some strength back, the feeling gets a little awkward so I peek over to Michael who is staring at me but also holding something out to me.

"Blueberries?" He asks holding some very tiny blue balls out to me.

"Where did you get them?" I ask looking over them.

"I've been up this trail a few times. They're safe. Try one." He holds them closer. I trust Michael so I take one and tentatively bring it to my lips. It doesn't burn or anything so I just plop it into my mouth. Instantly flavor floods my mouth making me savor every bite. I take a few more from Michael and begin to snack on them too.

"Better than the Commissary stuff right?" Michael asks with a little proud grin on his part. I nod between popping a few more into my mouth.

"Yeah," I snack for a little while longer, Michael does too and we both take sips from his water. He points out how I have a backpack with a water tube that I could have been drinking from this whole time. I only feel a little mortified. Michael just calls it cute on my part though.

"I think I need to tell you something." Michael says staring up at the sky. I do the same next to him and take moment to enjoy myself. Our fingers are intertwined by our sides, not failing to make my hand tingle with glee.

"What?" I ask. He's silent for a second.

"I probably should have told you this sooner but Ne…My dad came home." He quickly says. I sit up and look a down at him.

"And you didn't tell me?" I ask trying to suppress the tiny hurt feeling. Michael pushes me back on my back.

"I'm telling you now. It's why I slept at your place that night." Michael explains.

"And here I thought you just liked me." Michael playfully hits me and laughs.

"Shut up, anyway that's it. That's all I wanted to say." I move my head closer to his, just under his neck and kiss it. I can feel him shiver under it, but I'm also a little turned off by how sweaty his neck is.

"Thanks for telling me." I say.

"So this is what we came here to see." I say as we reach the top of this blasphemous mountain. I don't care if Michael promises to get naked and jumps on top of me, I will never climb another mountain again.

"Yep," Michael says from a little peak overlooking a valley that suddenly has me captivated. I can't help but admit that is one view. Between two other rocky brown mountains lies a magnificent green forest. The sun high in the afternoon sky, I can't help but say it was sort of worth it.

"Also I have lunch." Michael says much to my surprise.

"Thank god," I mumble as Michael gets off the ledge. He lays out a two foldout chairs, where he got them, I'll never know. He points to my pack, maybe it would have been a good idea to give this thing a little look over. I shift through camping supplies and find a lunch box, I assume is mine. I take a seat and just throw my head back for a second.

"You okay?" Michael asks from the other chair. I mumble a yes but don't move to eat. Event though I had to climb a mountain, I'm alone with Michael, and something inside me is smiling.

We talk as we eat, nothing really important. Video games, glee practice, he asks me how football's going. For a while it feels like old times, when I didn't think about Michael in a special way. When we're finished and sort of just sitting together it really does feel like old times. When I could just sit with Michael and we didn't even have to talk, we just were sort of there with each other.

"There's something else I need to tell you." Michael breaks the silence. I sit up and listen. Something in his voice makes me feel uneasy.

"What?" I ask. Another silence from Michael.

"It's about Nellie." I cringe, he must finally be ready to give me hell over that stupid kiss. "She…and um…I…She likes you." Michael stutters out. I frown.

"How do you know that?" I ask. Michael seems to freeze for a second.

"She told me, when she told me about your kiss." Michael explains still looking uneasy. "I just wanted you to know," But I can feel like Michael hiding something. Something about his face makes me sense something. I don't know what but…something.

"That it?" I ask.

"Yeah," Michael says it almost like a question. "Yeah that's it."


	36. Chapter 35

"It's time to go," Michael says underneath my arms. At some point after lunch we had had a bit of wrestling between us on a soft patch of grass. Roughhousing, we eventually fell to the ground. I had slid my arms around Michael's smaller frame and pulled him in tight into my chest. For a while we just laid there, I found it very interesting to just play around with Michael's hair. Michael slipped his head against my neck and after a few minutes I could hear him snore. Something inside me broke. I can't say what but just having Michael taking a nap in my arms almost made me want to just…I don't even know what but something.

After a while I too started to drift off, I didn't sleep but I sort of dazed for a while. Mindlessly playing with Michael's soft curls I started to look back on my life, and wonder why it took me so long to ever think of Michael as something…more.

It was perfect, luscious, and bliss. It was, until Michael had to set us back to reality. That we still had a party to go to and a mountain to climb down. I groan and turn so I lay on top of Michael. He muffled something into my chest but I pushed into his face to silence him. His struggles against me were almost cute, considering how much bigger I am compared to him, it was like a koala pushing against a grizzly.

"No, I don't think so." I whined as Michael still struggled. He managed to squirm his head up and adjacent to my neck. He wheezed and suddenly I became afraid I might have hurt him.

"Get off me," Michael still tried with increasing desperateness to break me, but I had my resolve to stay here with Michael up on the mountain. It was like a whole new world up here. I could think clearly, I could understand and sort of accept how happy Michael made me. Why would I ever want to leave?

"Please, please can we stay?" I beg and lay a kiss against Michael's cheek to try and push my point across. Michael seems to consider it for a second. But just a quickly he seemed to have a whine of his own.

"No," he said, I think he was trying to convince himself more than me. "No we need to go," He leaned up to plant a peck on my lips. It left my head grinning and spinning.

"How about one more before we go?" I ask hopefully. Michael grins and leans up to lay his lips against mine. It wasn't sweet this time though. It was hot, a fire seemed to spread through my gut, up to my chest and to my arms. I slip my hands around Michael and pull him close, as physically close as I can manage, even holding him this close though it doesn't feel enough to satisfy the fire now spreading to my lips.

Michael seemed to be on page and slipped his hands around my neck. He wrapped his legs around my waist and pulled our waists together, thankfully there was only a thin layer of spandex between our crotches. I could feel my member growing, with little thrusts between us it sent erotic chills up and down my spine. I moaned against Michael's mouth, he did the same, but instead of a moan it was a sound of wanting. I could feel him begging me to do more and it suddenly became painful to not physically touch every part of Michael.

My hands slipped to Michael's shirt hem. I fisted it, silently waiting to see if it was okay. Another sound of wanting came vibrating through Michael's lips. I quickly strip Michael of his shirt, caressing his chest as I go. I never get over how fit Michael is. Not quite as strong as me but still, seeing how muscular and lean Michael is, and the fact that I get turned on is still a bit…odd to process.

"Take it off." Michael orders taking a fistful of my shirt in his hand, "Please take it off." I was quick in shoving off my shirt, maybe too quick, because it gets stuck around my head with my arms hanging out the head. Michael starts cracking up laughing as I struggle to free myself.

"A little help please?" I ask from inside my shirt. Michael's hand reach up but it's not very trying with him seeming to be suffocating. The longer he laughs the longer I have to and eventually I fall to my side next to Michael in defeat.

"Ow, I'm sorry. Killed the mood." Michael apologizes with a big grin, I can't help but smile as well. I lean in to lay a soft, lingering kiss.

"Yeah you did. But I'm sure," I lay another kiss on him, I'm tempted to hold it longer but I want to torture Michael, just a little bit. It's obviously working by how Michael doesn't move his face between each kiss. "You can make it up to me." I say seductively.

"Count on it." Michael says in a dreamy voice. After that we start to long trek down the mountain. Leaving the mountain felt like leaving something special behind. Now heading down I could feel my fears coming back, with each step I became increasingly afraid of what anyone would think if they saw this. Not this, us hiking but what ever happened on the mountain, and how much I wanted to get my clothes off. What would have happened if I hadn't stopped? Would we still be on that mountain? Doing something…something a lot more enjoyable than this climb.

As I stared at the back of Michael's head I couldn't help but wonder how he felt? With every one of my internal monologues I seemed to wonder? Was he aching on the inside too? Or was he calm and collected. And what was that on the mountain? He definitely wanted to say something, but what? Why couldn't he just tell me?

A few hours later we're finally back on planet earth. As we reach the car my knees finally buckle under the pressure and I collapse into my seat. I close my eyes and just breathe as Michael gets in. He doesn't seem to be almost dying, but then again he does this regularly. Why? I'll never know.

"Don't die on me Blake," Michael said with a grin. I let out a dry laugh, instantly regretting it as my ribs hurt.

"Shut up and drive." I breathed, just trying not to die.

"Yes sir," Michael joked while turning on the car.

"Hurry up." I beg as Michael drives like my grandma. And she can't drive anymore.

"We're going to speed limit." Michael argues again. I groan at that stupid argument.

"No one actually goes the speed limit unless there's a cop around." I explain again but I think Michael actually gets slower. I shove my face in my hands and stifle a groan.

"Jesus, I didn't know you were such a crybaby." Michael gripes me.

"I'm not a baby, but I told my mom I'd be back by 4 o'clock. It's almost 5." I see Michael almost grin. Is he trying to get me killed?

"Calm down big baby. We're here already." He says as he pulls to the curb.

"Thank god." I say and automatically open the door and step out. In my hurry to get inside I just wave back at Michael and say a loud "Bye,"

"Bye!" Michael calls back but I can hear something. Annoyance or something in his voice that makes me stop and turn, ready to go barreling back to at least…say goodbye properly. As I do though Michael takes off like a bullet.

"Shit," I curse to myself. Great, now I pissed Michael off.

For a while I stare down the road in the direction Michael drove off. If he was angry or pissed that I hadn't given a proper goodbye…God now I feel like such an asshole. I keep replaying the scene, instead of caring what my mom thinks I got to Michael's side window and kiss him, right there in broad daylight…even though it's a fantasy I can't help but feel exposed by my thoughts.

Eventually I give up staring down the road. I ready myself for the hell to come. It's expected by now. I'm not only late but my mom didn't even want me to go out. When I told her I'd be spending the whole day with Michael in the woods it was hard enough to convince her we weren't going to smoke pot in the woods, but also trying to deceive her into letting me stay at Abraham's party tonight, I of course didn't say that though. I told her it was a for a school project, I didn't feel good about lying but right now I could really use a party. Convincing my mother was enough, ultimately it was my dad who got her to even let me to go at all, against my mother's wishes. But now being late? Fuck, I'm screwed.

I brace myself as I slowly creak the door open. Maybe it was too much to hope for but maybe she wouldn't be there. Of course when I catch her figure on the couch I finally admit to myself that I should just stop hoping that every time I step in the house.

Immediately I look to the floor. I can't say anything, of course. All I can is wait for the end of the rant. It doesn't start though. As a sort of silence reigns on I start to shift uncomfortably.

"Mom?" I finally ask. She finally looks up and eyes me up and down.

"Oh, so now you're back." She says; I roll my eyes. I hate it when parents get snarky.

"I'm sorry okay? It ran later than we'd thought." I explain sullenly.

"And you didn't think to call?" she asks.

"No phone service," I lie. I just didn't want to have to deal with her. In truth I didn't want to deal with anyone except for Michael.

"Fine, How was your hike?" she asks casually but I know what she really means. 'How was Michael on your hike?'

"Fine, it was good. I have to get ready for Abraham's alright?" I ask, she seems to give me one of those sentimental looks for a second before nodding and letting me head upstairs. When I shut the door I let out a heavy sigh. Whenever I talk to her now I can't help but get nervous. I don't even know why though. There's absolutely no way she could possibly know what Michael and I did on the mountain. But then why does she keep giving me those looks?


	37. Chapter 36

"I'm heading out." I call as I step downstairs. I head for the back door so no one can stop me before I step out.

"Wait," my mom calls from the front of the house. I pause at the door entrance, debating whether to just leave and pretend I didn't hear it.

"Fuck," I curse and close the door. I awkwardly wait at the door until she shows. "What?" I ask a bit annoyed at her interruption. All my mind can think about is finding Michael at the party.

She gives me a bit of a hurt look which just makes me cuss in my mind again. A guilty feeling invades me, making me regret being in such a rush. "I'm sorry Blake, I know you don't like your mother but…" she starts but I cut her off. It's the same old speech and at some point I just get tired of it.

"No mom it's not that. What is it?" I ask again this time doing my best interested voice. She gives me a sort of contempt/condescending look which makes me want to look away.

"I just wanted to say have fun at your party." She says but I look up suddenly.

"You know it's a party?" I ask stepping away from the door. If she knows it's a party there's no way she'd let me go.

"Please Blake I wasn't born yesterday. I had a life too some time ago. Just be careful alright?" she says pulling me into a hug. I hug back, still a little dazed that she's letting me go to a known party. "You know I worry about you right?" I stifle a groan.

"It's alright mom. Thanks." I kiss the top of her head on my way out. I can feel her gaze on me all the way to the car and down the road. Maybe she's not that bad. If she can get over a party maybe she could get over Michael too?

"Welcome to casa de Abraham," Abraham says with a little bow as he lets me in. This time we didn't meet up in a group, and since my mom sidetracked me somewhat I ended up coming a little later. Granted it's only about 9:00 o'clock but still every one of my friends seemed to be already inside.

"Thanks." I greet him with a sort of handshake we invented a while ago. Abraham seems to disappear into the wave of people after that. That familiar wave of strangers, I still have no clue who any of them are.

I search around for a while, after I get a drink of course. The keg's set up in the middle of the room, while someone does a keg stand over it. I settle for grabbing a beer in the kitchen. After that I head upstairs, managing to squeeze past everyone and not be dragged into the middle of the dance floor like last time. Good thing too because Abraham has picked out some weird music. He's always into that low key, underground stuff that no one really knows. It's got a good beat though. It gets muffled after I reach the second floor. The second floor is filled with that familiar smoke coming from most of the rooms.

I first check Abraham's room only to find a couple doing some…acrobatics on the bed. I shut my eyes tight and back out before I can see any more of their performance but I'll still be scared by whatever the fuck they were doing. As I'm backing out I bump into someone behind me.

"Sorry," I mumble until I see it's Maxfield I ran into. We exchange some hellos. "Have you seen Michael?" I ask over the music. He gives me a questioning look but it quickly changes back to a normal, somewhat beer buzzed face.

"No man. I wish I had." I want to ask why but that buzz from my drink and the residual smoke in the air is starting to take over. I lose interest pretty quickly.

"Where's Shanna?" I ask looking around. I hadn't seen anyone aside from him and Abraham all night.

"I think they're out back." Maxfield says starting to head downstairs. I follow him taking one last chug to finish my beer. The taste is horrid but the buzz that soon heads in quickly takes the edge off.

The backyard looks pretty suburban. I remember coming here a few times as a kid before I came for parties. There's a kid's swing set attached to a playhouse, an old tree with a tree house just at the edge of the fence. Beyond that is a forest that seems to just sprout up at the fence. Suddenly I catch most of my friends sitting around the trampoline. I quickly fastwalk over to them and try to get a glance for Michael. I see Ailyn next to Charlie, Shanna, Lilly, Ali and her wheelchair not too far away, and Nellie all sitting around in a circle on the trampoline. But no Michael, where the fuck is he?

"Hey Blake hop on up." Ailyn calls. Maxfield climbs up first and takes a seat next to Shanna. I'm a little hesitant to get up though, where the hell was Michael? Slowly I kick my shoes off and climb up.

"What are guys doing?" I ask as I take a seat. Even back here everyone seems to have a drink, Charlie has a half a six pack left. A few people, Nellie, Ailyn are smoking something. I'm guessing weed. Nellie hands me hers with a smile. I give an uneasy smile back as I take drag. I remember what Michael said, if Nellie does have a crush on me what should I do about it? I can't tell her I'm with Michael, sort of.

"Talking about the future, Lady Sunshine over there wants to win a Grammy or something by 27." Ailyn says like a joke toward Shanna. She scoffs, snuggling into Maxfield. I could see Shanna winning a Grammy; she's one of the best singers I know.

"I am going to win one." Shanna says which causes a little laughter from the group. "Screw you guys." She says falling back on the trampoline.

"Anybody else got big Broadway dreams?" Ailyn asks with a grin on her face.

"I do," Lily says. I suppose I could see her being a success in music too. I try to give Lily an encouraging smile but she just gives me a reproachful look. Guess she's still not over it.

"Well good luck with that." Ailyn says sarcastically.

"And just what do you want to be Miss Buzz kill?" Shanna asks. Ailyn gave a shrug before taking a smoke.

"Stay with Charlie, probably go to college or some shit." Ailyn answered. There was unison 'boo' from the others but Ailyn just took Charlie by the cheeks and pulled him on top of her in a kiss. Then there was an audience of groans but they seemed to be ignoring us now.

"Anyway," Abraham called over the groans. "I'm gonna go to law school." I raised my eyebrows in surprise, along with a few other people. I guess Abraham is charismatic enough, but I can't see him being serious enough to be a lawyer. I would have guessed…professional partier or something.

"Good luck with that," Ailyn called from under Charlie. I rolled my eyes and nudged them as they've been getting somewhat closer to me.

"Well I think you'd make a good lawyer." I say. He steals me smoke though and takes a nice long drag himself.

"Fuck you guys." Abraham says playfully but I can tell he's a bit wounded.

"Well I'm on the Broadway train." Ali pipes up. I shush Ailyn before she can even start.

"I just hope y'all know I'm gonna be the biggest hit of all of us." Shanna says confidently. I laugh a little at their rivalry but honestly if I were to bet which would be the biggest, I'd have to go with Shanna.

"What about you?" Someone asks. They mean me. Oh shit. I think for a second. What do I want to be? What are my long term goals?

"I don't know. I guess go to college like Ailyn." I answer but I get a round of 'boos' like Ailyn's. Ailyn though gives me thumbs up. I guess those are my long-term goals, although my short-term goal is to find Michael. Where the hell is he?


	38. Chapter 37

"Have you guys seen Michael?" My curiosity finally gets the best of me.

"Haven't seen him," Abraham answers lazily. I almost laugh. Someone had pulled out some more weed and gave everyone a roll. I took a while taking in mine. God that felt good. But there was something still bumping around in my mind, worried that Michael wasn't here yet.

"Jesus everyone turn into stoners while I was gone?" a familiar voice asked. I perked up immediately and started clawing aimlessly toward the entrance of the trampoline.

"Michael," I say lazily trying to reach out for him. He seems to be out of my reach though.

"Come here," hands grab mine sending jolts down my arms. They pull me off the trampoline. Michael grunts as he pulls and I can't help but find it hilarious as I fall to the grass. "Come on," Michael grunts again pulling me up to my feet. Hazily I see him and smile. It's probably the buzz but he looked particularly cuter tonight.

"Michael, where've you been?" I ask trying to keep my balance. I smell something. At first I think it's my own breath but I realize the stench is coming from Michael. That alcoholic stench I always get hit with when I go to Michael's house. "You okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, come on." He says determined to slink my arm over his shoulder and pull me into the house. I find myself giggling like an idiot as he slips me through the crowd. When we reach the stairs my eyes trail them. Somehow they seem longer, turning from stairs into a mountain.

"Look Mikey, a mountain," I laugh into Michael's neck.

"Dammit, how drunk are you?" he asks as he starts climbing the stairs, pulling me along too. It amazes me as I reach the top, part of me was sure it was gonna fall back on the stairs and die but something about having Michael pull me up the stairs reassured me. He'd probably throw himself down the stairs before he'd let me go.

"Where are we going?" I ask impatiently as he pulls me along the smoke filled second floor. Michael doesn't respond, instead leads me down the hall until we reach a guest room. I want to warn Michael about possible acrobats but he pulls inside before I can get the words right in my head.

Thankfully no one is doing anything in here. Michael sets me on the bed in a huff. I bury my face in the soft cushions and almost instantly fall asleep. But Michael making another noise makes me realize he had a reason for bringing me up here.

"Why did you bring me up here?" I ask muffled by the pillow. I turn on my back and see Michael sitting on the edge of his bed, twiddling his fingers anxiously.

"I needed to be alone, alone with you for a little bit," Michael answers. A smile spreads across my face. Something inside me lights up at his words. I find myself crawling toward him in the darkness until I'm pressed against his back with my head nuzzled against his neck.

"I missed you too." I say softly into his neck. He sort of shrugs a little. I think he meant to push me off, I can't stop the hurt feeling that hits my chest with a pang.

"It's not that." Michael says. That hurts feeling spread a little more and the smile quickly fades. I remember how he came so late. What was he doing? The pungent stench of alcohol came back to me, why was he drinking.

"Michael why were you late?" He silently shrugs in front of me.

"I told my mom today." My heart skips a beat, my blood runs cold, what the hell did he mean by that?

"Told her what?" I ask warily but I think I know what it means.

"I told her I was gay." Michael explains. This time it's not as much of a shock. I knew what he meant in the beginning…I just have no idea why the fuck he would tell her.

"Wwhy did you tell her?" I stutter out. Michael just shrugs again.

"I was at home, alone with her. She was on the couch, talking about how great a son I am. How much she loves me, and how much she can't wait until I get old enough to go to school. She was pretty hammered I guess. So I just said it." Michael says still playing with his fingers.

"Told her what exactly?" I ask feeling myself getting soberer every second.

"You know I just said…That I love my best friend." Michael admits with another innocent looking shrug. His voice though makes me want to cry. He sounds hurt, sad, and that feeling of needed to comfort Michael takes over. Like it did the night he showed up on my porch, and many other nights before.

I slip one hand around his chest, over his heart. The other I hold over his stomach. I feel his heart race, unlike the rest of him. It reveals how scared his is. How vulnerable he is. I used to think that he was fearless. He was brave, strong, something I really admired about him. But now I know he's not. He's still strong, brave in the fact that he could ever tell anyone, especially his mom but now I know something else. Just how vulnerable he is. And it's something else I really admire. Unlike me at least he can show his feelings to me, especially when I'm too terrified to even tell him what I'm feeling.

I tighten my grip on him and lay a peck against his neck. It's the best I can do to try to comfort him. It's what I'd hope he'd do if I ever told my mom. Although if that were to happen I doubt I'd ever even see Michael again.


	39. Chapter 38

It's hazy but I can hear it, Abraham's usual bitch call, to put it in simple terms him yelling at everyone 'to get the fuck out'. I smirk at it, partly that, also because of the warm source I feel draped around me on the bed. There's a low buzz still filling my body, I'm probably still a little high. I shouldn't have done so many Jolly Ranchers last night. I nuzzle my face into the top of his head and take a long whiff. The familiar scent of alcohol and strawberries fills my nose. My nose does a weird combination of tingling and curling at the scent. For some reason it's surprisingly sweet.

"Shut the fuck up," I hear Michael grumble into my chest. I laugh and kiss the top of his head. He wraps his arms tighter around my torso. Having Michael this close makes my heart rate start to speed. Having Michael this close to me makes it almost beat out of my chest.

"We have to get up." I moan taking another whiff of that bittersweet scent. My hands begin to mindlessly rub his back, trailing their way down his shirt until they hover over his rear.

"We'll get up as soon as he gets us." Michael says into my chest.

"Alright," I agree with a smile. Lying around with Michael all morning wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. "You know you smell really good?" I ask letting my nose rest against his hair. He giggles into my chest and gives my back a squeeze.

"You too," Michael comments, my face falls into a grin. One of his hands slips blindly into his pockets. I peek over him to see what the hell he's getting. His hands come back with a purple blunt and a lighter. _Damn I thought we got rid of all of those._ He props his elbows onto my abdomen and starts to fiddle with the joint.

"Can I bump some?" I ask as he lights the end of the joint. Michael grins a weird smirk before nodding. He sticks it in his mouth, moves the end closer to my mouth and cups his hands around the smoke. He lets out a slow breath, I breathe in the smoke. My lungs at first resist the smoke, they want to cough and gag, but after a few seconds it actually starts to feel good. It goes to my head filling me with euphoria. I open my eyes and nearly flinch as I see Michael staring right into my eyes. At first it's unsettling but soon it becomes more captivating that the smoke infiltrating my lungs. Michael un-cups his hands and moves the blunt away. Without the blunt blocking the way Michael leans down and lays a soft kiss against my lips. Instantly I close my eyes, wrapping around in the warm tingles jolting off my lips.

He kisses me again and again. I wrap my hands around his back pulling him closer to me. As we kiss more and more the kisses become more intense. There seems to be more wanting building up with each touch, each kiss leaves me in a state of increased wanting. MY heart speeds up, it's beating so fast I know Michael can hear it, he can probably feel it beating underneath him.

Michael abruptly pulls away. A weird resisting noise slips out of my mouth. "I love you," Michael says making my heart skip a beat. "Why do I love you so much?" I freeze at that question. Does he expect me to answer? I don't even know how to say those three little words back to him, how should I know why he loves me?

Before I have a chance to flounder around for much longer a groan comes from the bathroom. I peer off into the room and find somebody climbing out of the bathroom. Without thinking I push Michael away. He yelps as he falls with a thud off the bed. I whisper I'm sorry down to him, although with his face buried into the carpet it probably doesn't make an impression.

A guy, a random guy stumbles out of the bathroom. He looks like some weird poser, skater, pot head. I guess that's the best way to describe him. He pushes long greasy blonde locks out of his face and looks between me and Michael.

"Fucking faggots." He mumbles in our direction before stumbling out the door. Something seems to hit my chest. An invisible bullet that hits my chest making me want to die, and run away. A weird numb feeling hits my head making me unsure what to think. Did he just call me that? A faggot? He called Michael a faggot. That fucking cunt. That numb feeling is replaced by boiling rage burning through my head making me want to run after that fucker and kick his ass, but before I can that silent part of my head that had been silent for so long. That part of me that hates myself for loving Michael seems to unleash a hidden power over me.

Before I realize what's happening I'm out the door and tumbling down the stairs. I see Abraham and a few others when I hit the living room but I bolt out the door before they can get a word in edge wise. I take off sprinting down the street, away from that poser, away from that place where he called me a faggot, away from Michael who made me a faggot.


	40. Chapter 39

That weekend feels a bit like a daze. Without thinking about it I end up sitting on my bed listing to music for the majority of my free time. Listening to music is how I think. Well that and smoking a secret stash I have hidden in an old Winnie-the-Poo book I hollowed out. The smoking helped to keep me relaxed and not having a panic attack wondering what Michael was thinking.

I cringe remembering how I just tossed Michael aside and bolted at that one itty bitty word. What was so fucking scary about that word? It was just faggot. I've heard a lot of people say it before but then again it was never about me. Not literally about me anyway, at least not until now. Why does that word make me want to die? Why does it make my body squirm trying to avoid it? Well actually that's obvious. It's an insult but I just…I don't even know why it affects me so much.

Ugh, I feel so selfish thinking about myself through this. Obviously Michael was called it too, but if I knew Michael it wouldn't faze him. Or at least not enough to make him spiral like I seem to be doing. Michael was right, I am a fucking pussy.

For the rest of the weekend I hide upstairs. Well the majority anyway, when I left Abraham's I ran all the way home. In my wigged out state I forget I had a car. I had to go back to get it, suffice is to say I got hell from Abraham for not staying to help cleanup crew. I also got a few choice words from Ailyn who I caught at Abraham's at the time. I just stood there and took it. What was my alternative?

_Fucking pussy_, I cuss myself out for being a fucking coward on the way back home. As I start to build up I contemplate heading to Michael's. The idea pops into my mind and sticks like glue. Even though most of me wants to just go back to my stash and finish the day high as a tower something makes me make the turn toward Dominion Valley.

Standing outside his house feels overwhelming. It's so…empty looking. But I know Michael must be inside, or at least I hope so. Fuck, what if he's not here and I made the trip for nothing? No, no turning back…yet.

Eventually I muster up the courage to go to the front door. But then I convince myself he won't be home so I start walking back to my car. Then I remind myself of how much of a coward I'm being so I start back for the door. But then I think of Michael's possible reactions. He's probably still angry at me and won't want to talk so I head back to the car. That's about when I realize how weird I must look for walking back and forth and just stand by the front door, although my mind continues the back and forth.

Eventually I settle on going into the house, although I fiddle with my key for a while. I twirl it around in my fingers for a while. I think back to when Michael gave it to me. I really don't deserve it, or him. I don't deserve him do I? I keep stringing him along but how much progress do we actually make? How long will he wait for me? And when will I be ready for…whatever it is I'm waiting for? Will I ever be ready?

I exhale deeply before unlocking the door and stepping inside. The ranched stench hits me like a wall, nearly making me gag. I cover my nose to try to block it. The lights are mostly off on the inside, just a flickering TV off in the corner. Empty liquor bottles clutter an end table. The couch looks like someone's been sleeping there, and drinking but whoever was there is gone now.

I slowly creep through the house. Even though I have a key and all I can't help but feel like I'm breaking and entering just coming in like this. I get upstairs and head toward Michael's room when I find someone coming from the other end of the hall.

With my sleeve impeding my vision at first I think its Michael, until I realize the salt in his hair, and the stubble covering his chin. He jumps when he sees me but a look of recognition seems to hit him and he doesn't…attack me or something.

"Mr. Weisman?" I ask looking over him again. He seems to have aged some since I last saw him, although that was a few years ago. I still can't get over how much he looks like Michael.

He looks me over again, to make sure I'm not a burglar or something I guess. He seems to decide that I'm not a threat or anything and I put my sleeve down to try and not seem, odd to him.

I can't decide how to act around him. I never really have been. When you're around adults, especially in their house you're supposed to be kind and respectful right? It's just what you do. But I can't help but imagine Michael coming to my house in tears as a nine year old trying to find comfort. When I think of that my blood begins to boil and I can't help but want to bash his face in.

I resist that urge though. Instead just clenching my fist and biting my lower lip. "Hello, are you one of Michael's friends?" he asks still looking at me curiously. "Sorry about the smell, you just can't find good help these days." I nod respectfully.

"Yeah I'm Blake, we've met actually…" I trail off as his phone starts ringing. He immediately takes it out and greets someone in some foreign language, I think German.

"Michael's in there, just go ahead and see him." He says before walking past me and yelling something into the phone. I just stare after him. I can't fathom what the hell his thought process is. I sincerely hope Michael doesn't end up like him.

I pause outside Michael's room. I take a few quick breaths preparing myself for his reaction. I'd be okay with anger, or maybe disgust. I'm a bit disgusted with how quick I was able to push Michael away just because of one random guy. After a few more shallow breaths I creak the door open, I peer inside but it's pretty dark. I look around and find Michael sitting against his bed with ear buds in. I silently step inside and shut the door. I lock it behind me and tiptoe over to the side of the bed. Slowly I sit next to Michael, still not alerted him of my presence I swing my legs next to him which finally seems to make him notice me. He jumps and gives me a punch while he holds his chest.

"Jesus Christ. What the fuck are you doing here?" he asks taking out his ear buds. I shrug and stare at my feet.

"I wanted to talk. I sort of left things weird after the party," I say quietly. Michael seems to relax and sits back so our shoulders bump. I want to lean over and kiss him. Peck his neck, or cheek or something, but I restrain my feelings. It's hard though, Michael's scent is so damn sweet I'm almost unable to control myself.

"What about it? The fact that you flipped me off the bed the second someone, a random fucking stoner walked in? Or the fact that you ran out after that?" Michael says bitterly. I gape at him not really prepared for this, I thought I was but it still stings. "Do you really want to talk about it?" Michael asks. I still sit with my mouth slightly hanging open. I close it with a click and take a sudden interest in the floor, away from Michael. "People are gonna be dicks. Why does it bother you so much?" I shrug but Michael doesn't seem to accept that. He grips my shoulders and turns me so I have to face him. I still look away but his slender fingers caress my cheek making an involuntary shudder roll down my spine.

"I don't want to be a fag." I mumble softly. Michael frowns at my answer but doesn't move his hand thankfully.

"Grow a pair, what are you gonna do about it?"

"Well I don't have to be a fag, do I?" I ask and this makes Michael drop his hand and turn away. I want to take his face and turn him back. Tell him a thousand different versions of how sorry I am, and I didn't mean that. But I can't say that. Because the truth is I don't want to be a fag. But I still want to be with Michael. Why did it have to be so fucking complicated? Why does this have to define me so much? Can't I just like who I want to like without everyone shitting their panties over the gender?

"No I guess not." Michael says to the floor. His voice makes something inside of me break, shatter and die. I can't handle these stupid fucking feelings. It's too fucking hard. "So where does that leave us?"


	41. Chapter 40

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned." I say the familiar prayer to the wall. I'm in that familiar dark confessional I've visited every week since I was ten. I always never quite understood the use of this contraption. Christians shouldn't make mistakes they need to repent for? We're taught not to do anything bad and forgive, but if we do we go to god for repentance. That just seems stupid. Why are we going to God and not the person we wronged? A lot of things don't really make sense to me anymore.

"Yes my child," Father Reynolds says in that creaky old voice. I can't help but squirm a little inside the box. Between his voice and how dark it is I've never felt very safe here. And now I can't help but feel like somehow God has told him what I've done and he'll smite me or something.

"I've sort of have a problem. With my feelings," I start off. I can't just come out saying it… not to a priest. Then I'll definitely get smited.

"What is the problem?" he asks. He knows my voice so he'll know it's me. What if he tells my mom? Fuck. Oh shit, no I can't say that in church. Oh dammit…oh forget it.

"I've had…lustful feelings for my best friend." I say and fidget in my seat.

"I see." Father says calmly. I shut my eyes tight and mentally prepare for my smiting.

"And that's…not just that. I've sort of…it's complicated." I fumble over my words trying to avoid actually saying those words.

"You seem nervous my child." I sigh at that. Wonder if I'll still be a 'child' when he knows.

"Yeah," My voice shakes beneath me. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants. "Because there's something else, my friend…they're sort of…it's a…good friend. But they're…they're. He's a guy." I finally just blurt out. I flinch, waiting for the smiting.

Father is silent for a while. I don't breath, I feel like if I do then the whole church will come down around me. I wait in anticipation for my reprimanding. The seconds seem to stick like molasses. Every second seems to drain on in this endless silence.

"This friend of yours, how long have you known him?" he asks quietly.

"Since I was little," I mumble softly.

"I'm going to be honest with you, god would not approve of your relationship."

"I know."

"Man shall not…" he starts but I've heard it enough.

"I know. Man shall not sleep with man. I get it okay. But I can't control these feelings. Ever since he kissed me…" he cuts me off though.

"He kissed you?" he asks curiously.

"Yes," I answer warily.

"And how are things at home Blake?" fuck, I mean…oh forget that. He knows it's me, shoot.

"It's fine." I state.

"I have heard something's from your parents Blake. Your father's been working long lately, and I heard you got in a few arguments with your mother lately."

"Yeah I guess but…what does that have to do with Michael." Oh shit. Now he knows who it is…fuck. Fuck him. Fuck me for screwing up.

"And this boy, Michael…how long has he been _looking_ at you?" he stresses the looking, meaning feelings I guess.

"A while I guess. Since we were kids,"

"Blake I need to tell you something. This Michael boy…he's a predator Blake. I have seen people like him. Many boys in your position have been preyed upon this way."

"Preyed upon?" I laugh at how ridiculous that sounds.

"Many boys like you, boys in a vulnerable position will look for another boy to fill a void. Your father has been working late, are you trying to fill that void Blake?"

"No,"

"Maybe we should talk to your parents about this."

"No, you can't. You're not allowed to!" I say panicky with my voice rising.

"Calm down. It's okay to be upset. What Michael is doing to you is wrong." Father says calmly.

"But I like him back."

"No, Michael has just been preying on your weak state. You don't truly love him. Think about your future Blake, where do you want to be in ten years? Do you really want that kind of life for you? For your family? How will you have a family?" He goes on carrying on all my fears. I shake trying to hold in a screech.

"I…I need to go." I open the door and slam it behind me.


	42. Chapter 41

When I'm out of the confessional I nearly run into a sprint down the hall. I round a corner toward a back entrance where I nearly topple over someone. "Sorry," I mutter until I see its Shanna looking up at me. Does she just wait around corners for me?

"What are you in such a rush for?" she asks with a laugh. I give a fake smile, but I look over my shoulder, afraid Father will be coming soon.

"Nothing, church is over I've confessed. Time to go," I say and walk past Shanna. She doesn't seem to get that I meant alone. She follows me as I get out a back door and take off into a jog for my car.

"We've still got Sunday school." Damn, F my parents for signing me up to be a teacher.

"Tell them I'll be there next time." I shout over my shoulder as I reach my car. I slip inside and am about to take off when Shanna gets in the passenger side. "What the hell?" I ask. She gives me a burning look that makes me regret using that word around her. "Sorry."

"What's wrong with you?" She asks buckling in like she's actually coming with me.

"Nothing, I'm just…done with church for right now." I answer and wait for her to get out. She doesn't though, in fact she reclines her seat to get comfortable. "Can I help you with something?"

"Maybe I'm done with church too."

"Listen Saint Shanna…" I start but she gives me a finger to hush me.

"Stop calling me that. Let's go before they notice we left." I shrug and just decide to go with her.

"Where the hell are we? Are you taking me into the woods to kill me?" Shanna asks as I pull up to the forest edge. It's only the afternoon, one of my most favorite times. After Michael took me on our hike he showed me this amazing cliff that I wanted to go see. I don't know why but that's all I could think about.

"Yeah, that's my plan. You didn't have to come you know." I point out again as I start up the trail. It's not as comfortable in my church clothes but probably not as bad as it is for Shanna.

"I'm tired of just being your church friend." Shanna says behind me. I give her a quizzical look over my shoulder. "You never seem to hang out with me anymore out of church. Actually you've been MIA from everyone for a while, ever since you got hurt." I shrug and start up the path again.

"I've been busy." I lie easily, not looking back at her.

"You had time before for your friends. Where are we even going?" Shanna asks but I just grin and keep walking.

"Asshole." She calls up to me. I turn back to her and feign a hurt look.

"Shanna, language," She hits me chest but grips my shoulder for balance.

"Oh hush up and start moving."

We talk a little after that. We hike mostly in quiet for another ten minutes until I see the familiar train track. It has a rundown train car still hanging dangerously over the ledge. How old it is? That's anybody's guess. I didn't even know it existed until Michael pointed it out. But it sits right on the edge looking over the valley. I already feel better putting so much distance between me and that church, although Shanna tagging along wasn't really part of the plan.

I step up to an open train car. The inside is rusted, and falling apart. But there's something comforting about remembering Michael and me here earlier. I smile a little as I help Shanna up onto the car.

"This car is going to fall, and we are going to die." She says still a bit flustered from the climb. She looks up to my face and gives me a little frown. "What are you smiling about?"

"Nothing," I take a seat at the entrance of the car facing the valley. It hangs precociously close to the edge but that doesn't really scare me. It makes me feel a little more comforted, that I hang so close to the edge of a mountain and be fine. Shanna stands over me, close to the other entrance. "Don't be a wimp." I joke. She gives me sneer and gingerly steps closer to my edge. I scoot over to make room for her.

"How do you even know about this place?" Shanna asks as she takes seat. Instantly I think of Michael in those spandex pants and a grin spreads across my face. But then I remember what Father told me in the confessional. Fuck my life.

"Michael." I answer evenly. She nods and grins.

"It's beautiful, even with this ugly ass train rusting here." She pounds against the metal. I flinch, I expect the train to fall apart but it doesn't. Maybe it's more solid than I thought.

"Easy tiger," I put her hand down so she doesn't hit it anymore. She leans back on her elbows. I lean my head against the side of the car and just stare off into the valley for a while. For a second and image of me falling off the mountain flashes before my eyes. _It all seems so fragile._

"What?" Shanna asks. Shit, I said that out loud. I fidget uncomfortably, thinking about my answer.

"It just all seems so fragile. Everything, life could be over in a second." I explain.

"I guess."

"I used to think everything was permanent. Now I'm not so sure. Look at the edge, I could be dead in a second."

Shanna sits up at this. Great, now I'm freaking her out. "You mean suicide?" she asks. I shrug, not really sure what I mean.

"Everything really. Do you ever just want it to stay the same?"

"No." She says firmly.

"Why?"

"Because then life would be so boring." She says scooting closer to me. I turn to face her but when I do her nose touches mine and our lips touch in a quick peck. I stare wide eyed, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.

"What was that?" I ask. She shrugs.

"Just trying to keep life interesting,"

"I think that's more like cheating." I say with a grin.

"Please, I would never go for you. I know about your stash." Shanna says with a grin. My smile fades and I stare into the tress below. I'm again seriously considering jumping.

"Forget about that already."

"I wish I could." We're silent for a little while after that. She must think I'm embarrassed about the stash, but really I'm debating something in my mind.

"If I told you a secret, would you promise to keep it to yourself?" I ask cautiously.

"I haven't told anybody about your stash."

"Not that. What if I told you I liked somebody, a lot? " I say twiddling my fingers.

"Really who?" She gets up excitedly and pushes me back into the car. Her reaction only makes me more nervous, the words are on the end of my tongue but I can't seem to make them come out. "Come on, please tell me. Don't leave me hanging." She fights to pin me on my back. I play along while I try to get those words out right.

"Nothing." I mumble deciding not to say anything.

"No! Come on you tease." She gives me a hit to my chest. "Who is it? Lily? Ali? Ailyn? Who?" I try to figure out some lie, any lie to get me out of this. But I'm not good at lying. "Nellie?" she goes on.

"Yes." I lie.


	43. Chapter 42

_2 Months Later_

The mood is celebratory. Our victory was a shocker to everyone. As soon as we heard those words everyone seemed to jump around in a unison cheer. Even I was happy and gleeful. But I could spot one person who couldn't look any more reproachful.

On the bus back from the competition I sit next to Nellie. It was pretty normal to sit next to my girlfriend. She was happy, which made me happy. But I couldn't stop looking over my shoulder, past the crowd of happy faces to the back of the bus where one person sat with a blank expression on their face.

I sigh, it'd been years since glee club made it all the way to Regionals, let alone won Regionals. We were all set to go to Nationals. So everyone should be happy right? Well not everybody. Because it had only been two months since I let that lie slip out that ruined everything between us.

I sigh and take Nellie's hand in my own. I still get little tingles of happiness, but I can't not compare it to Michael. It feels like a ghost in comparison, dead and cold. I still hold it though, because that's what you do with your girlfriend.

"What's his problem?" someone asks next to me. Nellie's looking to the back of the bus, at Michael sitting all alone. No one else knew what happened between us, and now no one would ever know. "Blake?"

"I don't know. He doesn't talk to me anymore." I state. Of course he doesn't talk to me, I'm the dick that left him for a girl. I really, really wanted to just die sometimes.

"He's been moody for months. What happened?" Ailyn comes over the top of the next seat and talks to us.

"I heard he got into some bad shit when Garrett came back." Charlie comes over next to Ailyn. "When's the last time anybody talked to him?" I shrug and take another peek back to Michael.

I feel my heart break a little. It wants to be back there and do…something. Something to make Michael feel better, but I can't. I can't because it's too complicated. And I don't want to burn in hell. At least that's what Father told me. I still meet with him every week to try and rid myself of these feelings, but it has been months and I don't feel any less for Michael than when I first went.

"Maybe you should talk to him." Nellie says next to me. The look of concern makes me smile. I do care for her, I could love her…but for some reason I can't, not right now. I can't feel anything but a low hanging cloud coming over me every second of every day.

"He doesn't want to talk to me." I say. Nellie gives me a questioning look but I take an interest in the ground.

"Why?" she asks. I open my mouth to say another lie. It had become accustomed to me, and I think I'm getting better. Before I can say anything though the bus pulls to a jerking stop. I look out the window and see we've arrived at school. I sigh and just shrug to answer Nellie.

"Well I miss him." Nellie says looking back to Michael again. _So do I._ I say silently as I follow her and everyone off the bus. Everyone goes in a happy group to the Choir room, all except for Michael, who hangs back and trails after the group.

It'd been like this since our _talk. _Well I don't know exactly how much of a talk it was. More like a yelling match. I touched my face remembering the bruises to my face. I feel a pang of guilt as I remember seeing Michael's bloody lip and black eye in school.

We haven't spoken since the talk. There is nothing to say really. I could never be good enough for him, and he could never forgive me. So after our talk Michael fell off the grid. I only see him in classes, although now from across the room. He requested a seat change the day after our _talk_.

The only one who actually knew anything about Michael was Maxfield surprisingly. They somehow stayed in touch. Michael had asked him to bring him to that band again, or at least that's what Maxfield had told me.

When we get to the changing rooms I notice Michael go into the bathroom to change. I can't help but notice him everywhere anymore. Trying to forget him didn't work, I couldn't forget him. I tried to be friends, I had begged for that, but all that got me was a scar on my ear.

Everyone seems to change quicker than me and I'm left alone in the dressing room trying to lace up my Converse. "Damn things." I curse as I tie them. I hear a door click. I instantly sit up and see Michael stepping out of the bathroom. He stares at me, I quickly look away.

"Hey," I offer peacefully. He just nods toward me and sets some of his clothes on a music stand. He sniffles, and wipes his nose and suddenly I know. Fuck, he's on coke. Fuck my life.

Before I realize what I'm doing I'm over Michael and reaching in his pants pockets. Michael pushes back against me but I grab it and take it with me as I skitter backwards. It's a tiny bag with just a little bit of white powder in it.

"What the fuck?" I ask holding the baggie toward him. He gives me death glare but I hold my stance. He takes the baggie back and shoves it in his pocket. He turns his back to me. "Stop it. Stop this fucking silence and talk to me."

He doesn't stop packing up his clothes and then calmly heads toward the door. I stifle a groan and expect him to leave but he pauses at the door for a second. "You really want to know what I think of you?" it's the first words he's spoken to me in months. Even if they're obscene I need to hear it. I slowly nod. "I think you're the biggest fucking pussy I've ever met. You and Nellie can go fuck yourselves for all I care." He smiles for a second, like he's got a secret that I don't know. "And why don't you leave me and my shit the fuck alone!" he yells now. I flinch when he slams the door.


	44. Chapter 43

_One month and two weeks earlier_

For a while I just stare off into the distance. I wish I could just stay there. It would be better than moving forward and seeing where this'll lead me. Anything would be better than seeing what happens next.

I hold my phone up to my face again, to be sure I'm reading it right._We need to talk._ –_Michael._ Shanna promised she wouldn't tell anybody about what happened in the boxcar. But this is silly right? I'm just being paranoid since my little slip up. This is probably totally unrelated. Just a random text in the middle of the night, _Meet me by the youth center._

As I read that a shot of fear hits my heart. It's nothing right? How could he possibly know? No it must be something else, I can't think of a reason but there must be one. So I slowly get a coat on and creep quietly out of the house. It's not really necessary. By now everyone is asleep and could never hear my even if I ran down the stairs. But it's a bit of a habit to just creep quietly and then slowly make my way to my car. I could walk, it wouldn't be that bad, but something tells me I need to get there fast.

I'm there within three minutes. The entire ride my body begins to shake slightly with anticipation. What could he need to talk to me in the middle of the night about if it wasn't about that? I catch sight of Michael's car and step out. I walk to his passenger side, I can't really see him too well with his hoodie over his head. I knock on the window. He jumps at my knock but quickly unlocks the door and I silently step inside.

"What's up?" I ask, my voice shakes beneath me. I try to clear my voice to cover it but it ends up just making it worse. Michael takes off his hoodie, revealing red steaks down his eyes, and a bruise running from his jaw to his ear.

"Oh my god," I lean in closer. I lay a hand on the bruise. He winces but seems to settle into my touch there. I don't know what to do exactly, I want to kill everyone, but especially whoever did this. "What happened?" Michael shrugs my hand off.

Michael is silent. He turns toward the window away from me. I feel that familiar stab of pain in my chest. I want to hide, kill someone and comfort Michael at the same time. All these emotions going through me make me just want to give up on this bullshit.

That stench, that familiar stench seems to touch my nostrils in the second, the familiar mixture of tequila and vodka. I sniff a little closer to Michael. I hate when that stench covers Michael's smell, I love that aroma, as opposed to this odor.

"It was bad tonight." Michael mumbles off to the window. I realize immediately he's talking about his mother. Anger, pure unadulterated hatred toward her seems to wash over me in a tidal wave of emotion. "Dad left again. I don't know for how long. After he left she got hammered, hard." When Michal finishes I feel the hurt in his voice. That seems to break something in my heart, before I understand what I'm doing I've slipped my arms around Michael and let my head rest again his neck. I leave a peck on his neck, somehow hoping to make it all better in one kiss.

"I'm sorry. Are you okay?" I ask with another kiss into his neck. I can feel Michael shudder at my touch, a moan escapes his lips. Well at least I'm doing something right.

"Yeah I'm fine." He lies easily. He always lies, I've come to know this. I know tonight will be one of those nights where I take him home and let him stay there tonight. Something greedy inside of me is almost happy, I should be sad, sympathetic toward Michael. But a greedy part of me can't think of anything but sleeping in the same bed as Michael again. I try to blink away the thought but it sticks like glue into my mind.

These are the times I don't like what Michael and I have. I don't like what it's doing to me. I don't want to be changed by Michael, but that seems to already have started. A new thought, a wondering at what else has changed since I started seeing Michael, pops into my mind and soon envelopes every thought.

Eventually Michael and I silently head back to my house. We slip silently into my room and I do the familiar pattern of giving Michael some clothes and letting him change in my bathroom. I've never told him but I know he cries in there. Don't ask how but I just know, and that's his time for himself. When he steps back out he acts as though he's fine. He's a trooper like that, but I wish he'd be realer with me, because I know how much he must hurt.

When we slip into a similar spooning position on my bed I take a second to enjoy myself again. Despite Michael's pain that little part of me is happy he's here but it shouldn't be. Because in order for him to come here he must be hurt and that's not something I should hope for. That questioning falls back into my head and stays with me into I drift off to sleep with Michael still in my arms.


	45. Chapter 44

Michael's POV

1 month ago

He couldn't bare it anymore, the humiliation, the aching in his chest, and the horrible, wretched feeling of emptiness that haunted his every waking moment. It was becoming so overwhelming Michael had to stop a few times a day so he wouldn't just start crying in the middle of Math Class.

Being with Blake was…At least before they had done anything there wasn't this feeling. There were feelings of sadness and depression when Michael increasingly realized, or at least then thought, that Blake would never reciprocate these emotions.

The horrible, sad truth was that it just came down to missing him. He missed the touch of Blake's hands as they caressed Michael's face. He missed the soft, heated lips that used to trail down his neck, Michael would run a hand over his neck occasionally as to reach for a ghost of that feeling again. What he missed most were the nights, those tragically blissful nights when Blake and he would just lie together. They didn't have to do anything, just lie together.

Michael gripped his chest once again as another shooting feeling of…something, something horrible cold and empty hit his chest again. A tear seemed to well up in his eyes as Blake's face flashed in front of his eyes. And then Nellie's and suddenly that cold feeling revamped into a feeling of pure, unfiltered anger, not only at her but at the pussy of a boyfriend she now has. A smirk still spread across his face as he remembered the cruel irony that he had both of them first, and now he had none…That feeling, that glow Michael felt when Blake said he was falling in love with him…it only caused Michael to bend over occasionally in his room and let out a silent cry.

And of all things Garrett had to come home. I smart genes ran through his body, Garrett being only 20 and done with college. He was going to apply to business school or something soon, but while he was here he liked to call it his last hurrah. Michael liked to call it stoner central. And with this new pungent emptiness gaping at Michael…maybe it wasn't such a bad idea.

That's why today Michael stood in front a wooden shack. It look odd, standing on the corner with bigger houses standing next to it, but Michael found it…almost funny that this house held the answer to his problem. It was a one floor house, but the floor was built off the ground, with a garage underneath with no doors. The house was entirely wooden, making it seem like it might come crashing down at any moment. The entire place seemed…to be living in the past. Broken kids toys, a broken down car, even a tractor looted through that open garage. The smell was most…vivid though. If you couldn't tell from appearance alone, that…earthy, smell of pot came from the garage, no doubt where they lit up.

Hesitantly Michael reached into his pocket and pulled out the twenty five dollars he needed for a gram of something called Christmas. Just one gram, to get him totally fucked up. And hopefully get that bitch face of Blake's out of his head. He slowly crept up the stairs, each one creaked as to say "turn back", but that would mean living with that sadness…forever. And that was a much worse option.

He just stepped inside. They didn't seem to concerned with locking their doors for pot heads. On the inside the smell, low and earthy flied his nostrils, the smell of a lit smoke. He found some people he recognized from school, they were definitely shit faced. Not many though, only about seven or eight people, including his brother. He found him playing with a box of birthday candles, inside a plastic wrap full of green and brown.

Garrett suddenly turned and saw Michael staring at him. "Hey baby brother, here to get shit faced?" he asked with a laugh. The laugh was too long though and Michael could tell that Garrett had definitely been here a while.

"Here's the money." He passed him the twenty five dollars. Funny, Michael's hands used to shake whenever he gave a deal money, now it seemed rock solid. This is not something he should be doing, especially with his brother, while he's still in high school.

Garrett looked over the money greedily and shoved it in pocket. "Alright man. Get a chair and meet me downstairs." Michael nodded slowly and proceeded to watch while Garrett hurried downstairs. Michael laughed, he remembers how Garrett used to do that to beat Michael to pancakes downstairs, now its pot. Of course remembering happy moments like that reminded Michael of…he who must not be named, which steeled Michael's resolved to get rocket launched tonight.

He kicked a random kid on the couch, to make sure he was still alive. The kid just grumbled before a sick smile spread across his face. Michael laughed to himself. He grabbed a wooden chair and walked down another set of creaky stairs to the open garage, the equivalent to a basement in a normal stoner house.

When he saw Garrett and some other kids from school sitting in a circle, and an instrument being passed around, for a second Michael hesitated, he thought about what Blake would think about this. But Blake is also a hypocrite, and a coward. The instrument was a bong, it looked sparingly pretty for how illegal it was. He also saw some pipes, sort of like smaller bongs being passed from person to person. Michael took a in a whiff of the smell and could already feel the buzz start to set in. It was too intoxicating to ignore at this point to resist.

Someone passed him the bong and a lighter. Michael looked at it for a second that feeling, a need to run away resurfaced again. But it was quickly suppressed by Blake's…just his face in general was all it too for Michael to light the end of the bong then suck in hard on the fumes the bong produced. For a second Michael thought about keeping sucking in until the fumes would damage his lungs and kill him…that would end this feeling. But a coughing fit seemed to start inside Michael's baby lungs. It made him stop and instead just hold the fumes in now. When his face start to turn colors, his eyes began to water, and has hands start to shake is when he let his breath go and a cloud of some emerged from his lips.

That is when the buzz kicked in, and Michael took some more hits of the bong and eventually the pipe. Everything starts to just get…funny, and blurry around the edges of his eyes. He could feel his eyes start to water but it was more than worth getting rid of that feeling. Even if it wouldn't last.


	46. Chapter 45

_ "I love you so much that it's killing me,"_

_ "…I love you too,"_

_ "So why are you doing this? Why are you so fucking me up?"_

_ "Because…"_

_ "You just have your fucking mommy problems, is that it? You stupid little...you and her and Nellie can go fuck yourselves. I hate you, just get out!"_

The scene replays in my head over and over as I step closer to the group. Nellie having run ahead of me alerted everyone's attention to my arrival. A lump has formed in my throat, making it hard to breathe. Everyone watches me, but only one person looks away.

"Hey," I greet everyone and do my best to look normal. _Just breathe. Fuck, just breathe. _Everyone greets me normally we all head inside. Everyone seems to have known we were coming here, except of course for me so I have no money to buy a ticket. Nellie though seems to realize this and has bought me a ticket. It's sweet and thoughtful right? So why does it make me feel shitty? Probably because I can't stop replaying that scene, I keep hoping somehow it'll change. Instead of leaving I'll stay, yell a little more. I'll do something to make this empty feeling in my chest fill up. But that's not how it happens.

Every time, Michael stills throws that book at my face. I always get hit in the jaw. Blood always trickles down my face and my vision always blurs. But even with the blur I don't forget Michael's face, it's somehow red as a tomato yet white as a ghost at the same time. Tears well up in his eyes, but not one falls down his face. He screams louder for me to leave. I somehow manage to grab the door behind me and leave as some other object crashes against the door.

Once I'm in the hall though the horrible sounds of Michael…crying seems to fill my ears with a deafening echo. I can't stand it by now. I run, fast, down the hall and out the door. But the noise doesn't stop. I hit my ears hoping the horribly heart wrenching noise will somehow evaporate, but it doesn't. It only seems to get louder until I can barely stand, my breaths become hitched as I fall to my knees in desperation for the crying to stop. But somehow it seems to hit me that it's not Michael…I'm the one crying so hard.

"Shit," I curse between sobs. I aimlessly reach up for the door handle and get inside before the tears seem to hit me like a tidal wave. I can't move, I have to hold my chest or I feel as though it'll just explode under me.

"Blake?"

"Huh?" I ask aimlessly to my side. Someone jabs at my side and I'm pulled back into a less horrible reality. "What's wrong?" Charlie asks. He, Ailyn and I seem to have been separated from the group. Somehow that makes the hole in my chest grow bigger and smaller at the same time. I can't see his stupid face which closes the hole…but it also makes me ache to see it again.

"Nothing," I say with a fake grin. Ailyn gives me a look over, she can tell I'm lying but she chooses not to say anything. Instead she chatters with Charlie for a while until we reach the food area and she asks for some food. Charlie goes to buy for us leaving me and Ailyn on a bench in a corner next to the restrooms.

"So…" Ailyn seems to edge on but I won't go with it.

"What?" I ask innocently. She isn't convinced though.

"Something's not right…you know we're here to try and patch things up with Michael right?" she asks like I don't already know.

"I know,"

"So why are you staring at the ground?" I look away, but it's obvious I have been staring at the ground for a while now, whenever I'm not actively thinking I go right back to that memory…in any hope to change it.

"Because it's better than your face," I say snidely. I don't mean to be a bitch but I really don't have the energy to come up with another lie.

"Shut up," she hits my side. "You and Nellie all good?" I immediately look back at her but then look away, I just made it obvious something is wrong didn't I? "She says you've been weird since you two got together."

I shrug and fiddle with my palms. They seem to have gone cold. I rub them before I respond, "Its fine." I mumble.

"You are a horrible fucking liar. What's really wrong?" she says with a laughs. She pulls me to face her, she has a now serious face on. "Serious if something's wrong…you can tell me."

"I don't think…I don't think I like Nellie." I find myself saying automatically. I can't hold it in anymore…I need to say it, or I'll go mad.

"Well you have to tell her that." Ailyn says, clueless to my real meaning.

"No I meant…I like her but there's someone I think I like more than her. If I told you something…would you promise not to say anything? Even to Charlie?" I ask debating whether this is really a good idea.

"Cross my heart." Too late to back out now, but now how the F do I word this right?

"I…don't think I'm straight." I finally just say. I can't explain the feeling that suddenly envelops me though. Suddenly I feel like the world has left my shoulders. That empty feeling does close some. I actually feel a grin edge on my lips.

I turn to face Ailyn, her mouth is gaping at me but she shuts it with an audible snap. "What?" She asks with a laugh, "Oh my god. No, really?" her eyes seem to go wide as something seems to hit her. "YOU AND MICHAEL!" she screeches. I flinch and look in every direction trying to figure out if anybody heard. Nobody I know, a few bystanders though.

"Shut the fuck up!" I clamp my hands over her mouth, but I can feel her exaggerated breaths against my palm.

What the hell have I done?


	47. Chapter 46

"Are you okay?" Charlie asks from behind me. In this position, me holding Ailyn against the wall and covering her mouth, it probably looks just a little suspicious. I promptly drop my hand and release my grip. I continue to give Ailyn a warning look though. She still holds a devious grin but she doesn't mention anything.

"Yeah I'm fine. Blake was just afraid that I'd spill his secret-" I glare at Ailyn. Her smile grows a little wider. "About Nellie," I release a sigh I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Ailyn takes her snacks from Charlie. She looks innocently at Charlie, but he still seems puzzled. Charlie looks between me and Ailyn for a second before he finally accepts this. He offers that we actually try out a ride now. Ailyn quickly agrees and follows Charlie off to one of the rides. I trail behind, close enough to hear their conversation, but not too close to make it awkward. They talk about trivial things, although each time Ailyn gets ready to speak my heart skips a beat. I almost flinch expecting the bomb to go off and take me out with it. But she doesn't mention anything to him. In fact after a while I almost lose interest in their talk and start to think how much I might have fucked up.

Alright so Ailyn knows. Michael knows. No one else knows. Alright this is containable right? What even pushed me to say anything? Whatever it was I hate it right about now, and hope it burns one day. Alright so it's under wraps for now…but what if Ailyn spills? First it'll be Charlie, then who knows? The dominos will fall one by one until suddenly everyone will know and I will be fucked.

I need to talk to her. Make her swear not to say anything. No, what I really need to do is hit her over the head and make her forget. It's tempting but instead I decide that I should try to convince her I was kidding. Try to blow it off as just one big joke and pray she believes it.

As we reach one of the rides I've finally decided how to word it. I'm about to call Ailyn off to the side when finally I see him. I see Michael and Nellie approaching off from the exit to The Slither. My heart skips. I look to Ailyn. Her eyes grow wide as she spots him, she turns toward me. I turn to the side in shame.

"Michael!" she greets. I turn my entire body aside. I pretend to take interest into a map of the park while I keep an ear out for any trouble. "What's up buddy?" she goes to his side and slings an arm around his.

"Nothing," Michael answers warily. He seems a little off by her sudden attention.

"Can I talk to you?" she asks. Before he can answer she pulls him off to the side. Shit.


	48. Chapter 47

"Hey Blake," _F my life_.

"H-hey Michael, I didn't realize we were talking again." I keep walking on to the restroom. Michael follows alongside me.

"Yeah but Ailyn sort of convinced me that I should talk to you about something." _Dammit Ailyn._

"Oh really, what did she say?" My voice quivers. I really shouldn't have told Ailyn anything, I trust her and all but the bitch can't hold her mouth shut to save her life. Michael chuckles, what does that mean? Did I say something funny?

We enter the restroom, its public so it stinks like a cesspit. We're alone, crap. I think about going in the stall but then Michael would think I'm going number 2…nope can't have that. I settle on the urinal, but I can still feel Michael watching me. I pretend to not feel as completely awkward about it as I do.

"She said some stuff. She said you told her some stuff." Michael says with another chuckle.

"Want to stop being a tease and share the wealth?" I ask as I start to release. Another god damn chuckle. "Stop that!"

"I can't believe you told her." I groan, so she did blab it all.

"Fuck, dammit Ailyn. Can't anyone keep a secret anymore?" I moan as I finish.

"It's fine I guess, now you can tell people. Now that it's over," Michael says, but the grin is gone, replaced by a callous face that makes me feel even worse.

"It wasn't like that." I try to defend myself, but even I can see how it was weird. I don't even know how to explain what I'm doing.

"Then how was it? Just fine and dandy huh you and Nellie isn't it. Just go run off into the sunset together. Pussy," Michael spits the last word. I expect him to yell but instead he says it calmly, exhausted as he speaks.

"You know I don't want to do that." I say, not sure what I mean. Michael comes closer, anger starting to flare in his features. I back a step away.

"No I don't. I don't get it, you just left me without anything." Michael backs me into a corner. "Just you and Nellie are together and we have to stop!" He's yelling now, his fists getting ready to throw a punch.

"I'm sorry." I say meekly.

"Oh well that makes it all peachy. I hate you're stupid…bitch ass. I hate her ass, I hate all of you."

"Then why are you here?" I say and Michael suddenly stops his advance. I think I see a tear well as his face heats up.

"Because I still love your stupid ass." He claims softly.

A door clicks. Michael and I turn in unison to see him step out of the stall. _Shit._ Charlie looks between the both of us.


	49. Chapter 48

"I'm just gonna go." He points to the door. The entire time he hasn't taken his eyes off of us. My face meanwhile was burning like the sun. I wanted to try to deny what he heard…but how do you deny what we just said? _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay let's focus, maybe it's not that bad._

Let's think of this logically. Ailyn was a gossip and a serious problem but Charlie was more of a loner. He didn't really hang out with too many other people so I doubt he'd tell anyone. But I'd still have to talk to him about it.

I look to Michael, maybe he has something to say but instead he's staring at the bathroom mirror. His face is mostly blank however his complexion is shot to hell. He's as pale as a sheet, like he just saw…exactly what we just saw, a terrifying situation.

"Michael?" I ask. He shrugs. He knows me well enough to know what I want to say, even if I don't know what he's thinking anymore. "We need to talk to him."

"I know." He says surprisingly calm. However he just stares at his reflection.

"We need to go now." I say with no small amount of urgency in my voice. How is he not worried?

"Then go after him." I suppress the urge to smack Michael. Instead I start toward the door. Once I'm out I look for Charlie but the crowds have turned into a giant mass. I think about searching through the crowds but I decide against it, I'd never find him with all these people. I'd never even find where I left Ailyn and the other's either. Reluctantly I turn back to the bathroom. When I get to the door though I stop and read a newly written sign on the door.

**OUT OF ORDER**

That can't be right. No one even went in. I ignore the sign and go in anyway. Once I'm in though I wish I hadn't. The first scent I catch is an herb. Strong and pungent, along with a smoke that has started to seep out of a stall.

"Michael!" an angry wave washes over me. I turn my back for literally one second and he's already getting high? A stall erupts into a coughing fit. I stop in front and kick the door. Michael sits on the toilet in a nice brooding position. I groan.

"Seriously? Are you seriously doing this right now?" I ask about to smack the pipe out of his hand. I recognize it as the first pipe him and I had gotten when we were younger, a beautiful piece in the shape of a horn.

Michael grins at me, smoke escapes his nostrils like a ghost. "Want some?" Michael hands the pipe out. I take it ignoring the heat, instead I take it over to the sink completely ready to spill the contents down the drain until something stops me. I'm not sure what. Maybe it's me seeing Michael still giggling on the toilet. Maybe it's just how badly the secret has gotten out recently but I decide against flushing it. Instead I fondle the horn delicately. Michael grins at me from the toilet. He hands me his lighter, I'm still debating it in my mind but I take the lighter. I take a hit holding the smoke in my lungs for as long as possible. I hold it in until my eyes water, my mouth burns of smoke, and my chest is on fire. Then I move close, an inch away from his face before I exhale a puff into Michael's face. He laughs and suddenly I start to feel the buzz.

Seeing Michael happy though, even if it's just from being high is…strangely satisfying. A piece of me that has been repressed suddenly feels something again. It wills me to do it. To just do it, it'll be quick right? It can just be one time right? Or at least one last time right?

_Aw fuck it,_ I finally decide and just take Michael's face in my hands. A dull flame tingles on my fingers as I caress his face. I move my fingers carefully, delicately. I move a piece of hair out of his eyes. We lock eyes for a second and I'm transfixed by his strikingly vulnerable features. For a while I had gotten the impression I had turned Michael into an uncaring statue but maybe he never changed. Maybe he's still a scared little kid that still…still wanted to come to my bedroom every night. Then was I still the guy that would take him in my arms every night on the porch? Would I still cuddle him as the night drained on and tried to hide my excitement when it all became too much? As I looked in his eyes I could feel all the answers there…all of them were waiting for me to explore, if I was brave enough.

_No, yes, no, yes, please, hell no, maybe… _an internal conflict starts in my gut, rattling through my spine until grabs hold of my face and finally finishes those last few horrid centimeters from Michael's red juicy lips. It's soft, sweet, a reminder of everything I want. I maneuver so I can push just a little harder against his lips. My tongue knocks against his lips, begging for permission. His mouth is suddenly open, his mouth ready to greet my promiscuous tongue…it's too much. Just a second and I can feel a hunger starting for more. Every fiber of my being wants more…so much more. I want it all, everything I had done, and everything I never got the chance to do with Michael. It's all within my grasp. If I could only nut up and take it.


	50. Chapter 49

"We should go find them right?" not exactly what I expected Michael to say right after I kissed for the first time in months. I wipe the shock off my face, along with my blushing.

"Yeah, I guess." I say to the stained floor. Nice place to have a kiss, very romantic bathroom stall. Michael slides past me. It's awkward for a second as our bodies slide past each other but then it's over and Michael is out the door.

I shouldn't be shocked right? I don't really know what is going on in Michael's head, so it shouldn't be a shock for him to just walk out. But then again I expected something. A loving apology, or another mopey confession of love? Even on my part, if he had given me the chance to even put one out there what would I say? No time to think about it now though, I'll have to decide what to do later.

I follow Michael out into the mob of people, as we're weaving through the mass I have the urge to take his hand. Not necessarily in a romantic way, just so I wouldn't lose him in the herd but then what if he thought it was romantic? Would I give him the wrong impression or…I'm overthinking again. I just need to stop. I really hate that even when he's silent he still has my brain rattling with a million questions.

"Where do you think they went?" I ask to fill our silence. Well it's not exactly silent with so many people, but it has been an awkward silence between us since we left the bathroom, or maybe that's just me again…no not going to think about it.

"Probably on a ride or something. Where did Charlie even go?" he asks and I remember how in deep shit we are. Now two people know and I still don't have a reign in on either of them.

"I'm guessing he went for Ailyn. Would he tell her?"

"She already knows,"

"I know but that's still where he'd go. Now just where the hell is she?"

We spend about twenty minutes looking before it finally dawns on me to just text her. Let it be known that I'm not the brightest in a crisis situation. We eventually find her, Charlie, Nellie and Lilly by one of the food stands. As I approach the reality that the secret is getting out dawns on me. It never really hit me till now what other people might think. How would everyone react? Crap.

"Hey guys." I greet as warmly as I can in the given situation. I gauge how Nellie looks at me, not in a repulsed or malicious way so I can assume no one has said anything to her yet. Lily gives me a cold look, I guess we're still on thin ice but it's better than the normal spiteful looks I get, so I'd call that progress. Next I study Charlie. He grins at me and Michael as he intertwines his fingers with Ailyn's, she smiles up to me as well. Well I guess they're…okay with it, or at least that's what I'll have to assume until I can talk to them privately.

"Hey," Nellie lights up as I sit next to her. Instinctively I give her a peck before turning to Michael who sits across from me. He looks down at the table likes it's some great phenomenon, the perks of being high. Maybe that's why he didn't say anything, but then again I think Michael gets more open not more closed when he's high. Damn all these possibilities. What I wouldn't give for telepathy.

"So where is everyone?" I hadn't seen anyone besides these guys in a while now.

"Abraham went on the gut drencher, and I think Shanna and Maxfield are on a ride, alone." Ailyn says suggestively. I playfully throw one of Nellie's fries at her. She grins devilishly…alright so I'm clear with Ailyn for sure. I didn't expect her to be weird about this kind of thing. Now all I have to do is talk to Charlie on a personal level. Or maybe I'll have Ailyn talk to him.

Michael's leg brushes against mine. I don't bother to question whether it was an accident or a purposeful invite to play footsy. In fact if it was it would make me down right mad. Why am I supposed to worry about this secret and he can just sit there like an idiot. I mean yeah he's kind of out of it but he's not that bad, he should at least talk to me about the Charlie situation…If it wasn't obvious I'm a little agitated by him right now.

"Well somebody should go get them. We still need to go on the Anaconda together." Nellie says.

"Well why don't you go do it?" Ailyn retorts. They share a strange look between each other for a second before Nellie stands.

"Fine I'll go." Is something going on between them? Damn I've been too absorbed in my own drama to think that maybe something else is going on. "Blake?" Nellie looks down at me. I suddenly feel everyone's eyes on me.

"I'll come with." I hop out of my seat and walk alongside her. For a while I can still feel someone's eyes on my back. I have an idea whose eyes they are but I want to be sure. Because it's just gonna make me crazier not being sure. I peek over my shoulder and lock eyes with Michael for a brisk second before I turn back around and try to rid the burning that has crept upon my face yet again.

"So what was that about?" I ask once we've safely put some distance between us and the others. Nellie looks up at me questioningly. I shrug, maybe I picked up on nothing. "You and Ailyn?" I ask. She groans, I wrap an arm around her shoulder to try to relax her.

"She has just been a bitch lately, ever since the party at Abraham's." Nellie explains with no small amount of malice in her voice.

"What happened?" I ask innocently. She shrugs in my arms.

"I can just feel her being weird to me, like how much of a pessimist she was on the trampoline. She's gotten so damn pompous since she started dating Charlie. She thinks she's queen bitch or something." I've never really seen Nellie mad at someone before. It's almost humorous, but I resist the urge to laugh.

"I'm sorry. I can talk to her if you want." I peck the top of her head in another attempt to relax her but it seems futile.

"No, I can handle her." Nellie says confidently. "But thank you." She says smiling up at me. It leaves a nice warm feeling in my chest. It almost makes me forget about…the other stuff. But that's a problem for later.


	51. Chapter 50

"He has been weird hasn't he?" Aylin whispers off to Charlie.

"But you think it has to do with-"Aylin cuts him off, he notices Lily seems to be listening in on their conversation now. _Whatever_, Michael thinks to himself,_ why should I give a fuck what they think?_

He breathes, in and out. But each time that familiar ache in his chest is still almost back breaking. Michael closes his eyes and enjoy the momentary comfort, _oh god. _He bites his lip as the pain hits him with a new throb. He crosses his arms and the pain threatens to explode like a cannon.

"-I think Blake ended things." Aylin whispers again. This sets the pain even worse. What the hell is her problem? Does she not realize that he doesn't want to hear his name? He resists the urge to slap her.

_Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up shut up! _He screams in his head. He squeezes his eyes until stars edge his vision. _Please just shut up._

"-Were he and Blake like a thing?" Michael stands, rocking the table. He turns and leaves before anyone else can say anymore. Michael's heart is already dead, no need to stomp on the grave.

Michael turns and walks as fast as he can away from the group and that stupid, stupid name. How can anyone stand that name anymore? It's like an icicle someone has been through my chest. I walk towards the rest room, he needs another hit. Bad. Something stronger, that thing Garrett gave him last night. He reaches the bathroom, almost inside when someone grabs his wrist and yanks him back off to a corner.

"What the fuck!" Michael yells as he sees its Aylin who's nabbed him. She pins him to the wall with a stern look on her face.

"Can we talk?" she asks.

"So how did it start?" she asks innocently, but it makes Michael remember. It makes him remember all those lonely years of longing, all those warm nights in Blake's arms, all that time where he was with him…and all that time that he wasn't comes crashing back.

Aylin shuffles uncomfortably. She knows she's hit a sore subject, but it's not her fault…but that doesn't stop the pain in Michael's chest.

"I liked him," Michael clears his throat as its run dry. "first when we were kids. Then he didn't like me back for a very long time. He was scared or something, but then we were together. Sort of…" Michael tries but the pain has become somewhat overwhelming.

"He can be scared to think about you know, that stuff is hard. Are you sure he's even gay?" Michael shrugs as he looks at the ground. Aylin is quiet for a while.

"So what exactly is he doing with Nellie then?" she asks. Oh the almighty question, what the hell is he doing with Nellie. What was it that pushed him to forget about Michael and move back to girls?

"He's being a pussy." He answers calmly.

"So how far have you two gone?" Aylin doesn't hold back.

"We've…done some stuff." Michael grins to himself, remembering the best blowjob he's ever had. Aylin nods as she thinks for a moment.

"Well then maybe you should fight for him." Aylin stands now standing over Michael with conviction.

"What?" Suddenly there's a wave of pain in Michael's face. He blinded in one eye as piercing pain shoots across his eye.

"What the hell, you slapped me?" Michael yells as he tries to recover.

"I mean man up and go get him back!"


	52. Chapter 51

_ Man up right. That's easy to do. _Michael pepped himself up for his big moment. He gave a fake one two punch to try to gain some confidence but he still felt just as nervous. How could he just walk up to Blake and just profess that he…he still has…

_Dammit. _Michael curses as he turns back. Blake doesn't need to know. I mean he's happy with Nellie right? No one needs to know about Michael's issues. They can all just focus on themselves and how easy it is for them.

Aylin was right back at the park though. Honestly she had to be the smartest girl Michael had ever met. Michael had to step up. If he wanted Blake then that is what he needed to fight for. No amount of drugs or any other shit would help Michael with what he had to do. The problem was though Michael still wasn't too sure what he had to do. He could try to rebuild a friendship…live in that putrid shadow but that was like driving a knife into his soul. Only a lot worse.

_Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap._

Honestly Michael knew something. He knew that Blake still felt something…good or bad or something in between Michael knew just how confused Blake was. And maybe that would be enough to finally end it. Michael just had to set off one little itty bitty explosion before that happened.

He took his phone into his hand and scrolled through his contacts for that one number. A number he wished he didn't have to call now. Instead Michael sucked in a quick breath before hitting the call button.

_Shit, crap. Maybe I can still hang up._

Just when he decided it was a stupid idea she picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey Nellie," Michael greeted as nonchalantly as he could manage. He was gonna burn in hell for this.

"Hey Michael, what's up?" Nellie greeted back sounding somewhat happy to hear him.

"Just wanted to catch up Nellie," Michael lied.

"Really? Wow, so you're better then?" she asked in a peppy voice. Michael wanted to shoot himself for this.

"Yeah, you know it was really sweet, what you guys did for me at the park. It was really a good day."

"Yeah it was, I'm glad you're better though Michael…I don't suppose you want to tell me why you were fucked for a while?" A sting stung Michael's heart at the reminder…any reminder really made it hard for Michael. He just really wanted to not have to hurt anyone to accomplish anything.

"I was just…hormonal. I wanted to be cool or some shit like that for a while."

"Michael that's really stupid."

"I know, thanks for setting me straight. I won't forget it Nellie." That only made it harder to hate her for having what Michael wanted. Michael fidgeted for a second at the awkward silence between them, he knew what he needed to say but he would feel shitty later for this.

"So how goes things between you and Blake?" Michael tempted. He scratched to keep from holding still. He was too anxious now to keep still.

"Good really good. Blake is so sweet, and I could just eat him up." Nellie stated.

_Kill me now._

"Yeah, that's why he's my best friend. Speaking of eating him up have you guys ever…" Michael left it open for her to fill in the blank. She started laughing on the other end.

"Not that much, we went pretty far once when his parents weren't home. I think his dad thought we were gonna have sex and left a condom on Blake's dresser."

"Was it Trojan? If it was it was probably from Blake's Christmas present from his Dad." he points out. They both start cracking up for no apparent reason, but now Michael was dying to know what the hell they did with that condom.

"Yeah so I guess Blake was prepared. But anyway we sort of just did _stuff,_" Her stressing the word stuff was not helping the situation running off in Michael's mind. Horrors were running through his mind, and really made him want to slap the shit out of Blake.

"Really," Michael said dryly. "Interesting," he had to clear his throat that had run dry. "Let's not go into details. But you know, you still have to tell me, how far?"

"We sort of just…well not all the way but…"

"Did you go as far as we did?" Michael finally just blurted out. There's a silence for a second before she responds.

"No," A soft quiet voice says. Michael can't decide whether to praise god for tiny miracles or curse him for huge disasters that seem to plague him. He knew they had done stuff but Michael never knew how far…and it still sucked to hear about.

"You know Nellie I'm still…sorry about that. It was my fault it went that far." Michael tried to apologize but he still had a goal to achieve here.

"It's fine Michael. We were both drunk and stupid that night. It shouldn't have gone as far as it did but it happened alright. No one got pregnant or anything so can we just forget it?" Nellie asks, Michael can hear the pain in her voice. It was a bad memory in general and that only made it worse with what Michael had just done.

"Alright so anyway, what else is going on?" Michael finally continued.

After about an hour long conversation catching up with Nellie Michael was finally done. And he was definitely a tool now. Indisputable proof was now on his phone. Michael was finally able to listen to the recording app that was running on his phone and listened to that chunk of their conversation over and over again as he tried to come up with the strength to do it.

_Just do it you pussy._

If he wanted Blake back it had to go on plan, even if it hurt some people in the progress. Michael began to fumble around his phone until he found the contact with that beautiful face. Before he could think Michael hit send.


	53. Chapter 52

For a second I'm too numb. The smoke is invading my lungs but that feeling numbs too. The restroom stall around me fades until it's just him and I. His gaze, stoic as always, snipes right through me. He knows, he must know how much I've thought about this recently. How many of my dreams has he invaded with his sweet charm, his intoxicating aroma, that amazing body…

The fact that I can think of him like that, so intimately, so easily…it's still a tad unnerving, but somehow it's gotten easier. I guess time has made it possible.

He grabs my cheek, caressing it with his thumb. An easy moan escapes my lips. I want him to just say it…say words. My body absolutely aches for him. I shudder when those velvety soft lips glide against my jaw. They soar to my ear, nibbling on the lobe as his other hand begins to explore my body. It goes down, first to my chest. My heart seems to start and stop at random with each of his touches. Just his gaze could make it arrest. His fingers trail down, over my nipple, just one graze makes the bead harden. It goes further, over my stomach, to my…

I heave a heavy moan into his mouth. I can feel him smiling against me as he knows he has me, I'm putty in his hands. Or rather my Johnson is putty in his hands. Another moan escapes when his slender fingers begin to rub my crotch agonizingly slowly.

_Oh God_

"You like that?" he asks against my mouth. I've lost my ability to form coherent sentences at this point so I just nod vigorously. One of his hands expertly snakes behind my head and grabs a chunk of my hair.

"Good, because this is the last time we can do this." He breathes against my cheek. My eyes steel open and then everything's gone. His warm form, expert hands, his smell are gone. It's like he was never here.

"Blake?" my mom knocks on my door. My eyes shoot open and instantly a pang slams against my chest. Why did it have to be a dream? Why was life so cruel?

"Yeah mom?" My voice cracks beneath me as I choke the memory of his touch.

"Breakfast downstairs." She says before leaving me. Thank god she didn't come in. Then there'd be questions of…everything. That's the thing about moms, you want to tell them what's wrong but I can't bear to tell her everything about my life. She'd probably kill me.

"Yeah," my voice shatters again. "Be down soon." I try my best to not sound broken but I pretty much fail. Like always. I hear her walk away and I feel a weight reprieve from my chest. I just have to get up and live with it. I have to live with that weight that starts every time I'm in that bathroom again. Every time I see him I get that weight but it's my burden right? It was my decision to fuck everything up, so I have to live with the consequences.

Suddenly there's a vibration under me. I poke around until I find my phone and his face on the caller ID. My heart jumps. I shoot up in bed and try to think, should I answer?

"Hello?" I practice. My voice still sounds F-ed up. I clear my throat before hitting the answer button. "Michael?"

"Hey Blake," His voice is soft, in whispers. I can feel my palm begin to sweat, the phone begins to shake in my hands. I stand and try to calm my body down. It's just Michael, he shouldn't mean this much to me…right?

"Hey, what's up?" I still sound like I have a cold, dammit.

"I just wanted to talk for a second. See, how you are. You know since we had that whole thing that happened between us…" The weight slams against my chest again. I bite my lip as I try to not let anything I can't take back slip out.

"Yeah about that, and Charlie and all…I'm sorry man. I didn't know he'd be there. And I'm sorry for doing that in the bathroom, I know I shouldn't do that shit." He apologizes. The sounds of his voice makes a piece of me break a little.

"I just worry about you sometimes Michael. I don't want anything to happen to you, okay?" I explain and hope he doesn't shut me out for it.

There's a pause before he speaks. "Yeah I get it." He takes a breath, he sounds…odd somehow. "I just…with all the stuff that happened, it was hard to get over it alright."

"Yeah," I agree. After that there's a lull in conversation. I can't tell if we've just grown apart with so much time or maybe it's just different now but talking to Michael never seemed this hard. I didn't want it to stop though, not when he had called me.

"So are we over what happened between us?" I finally ask. Michael is silent, I can tell he's there by his breathing but he doesn't answer. Not for a little while. "Michael? You still there?" There's another, shorter, lull.

"Yeah," He laughs for second. "Yeah I'm here,"

"Good," I say biting my lip to keep from grinning. The fact that he hadn't hung up…after all the happened gave me a weird tingly felling in my teeth that made me want to just smile.

"What do you think Blake? Do you think it's over? Is it behind us?" That damned almighty question. I thought I knew. I mean I do know. I know right? Maybe? Hopefully? Possibly? Probably not.

My breath shudders as I try to access my feelings…but they seem to be broken. My walls have erected, making it impossible to know what the hell I'm thinking right now. I try to speak, even to put it off, but my throat has run drier than the Sahara. I can't say anything, because I honestly still have no clue about anything. How can anyone expect me to know anything when I'm just so damn clueless? Why was I still so damn clueless?

"I um…" I manage but trail off. I swallow and force myself to say something. "I don't know. I mean I do, possibly. I know something but whatever happened between us…" I clench my fist as I force myself to finish. "I think it might be over. I think maybe…I don't know. There's just a lot there right now. I don't know if we're the best thing for each other." My entire body trembles. I want to shove all of it back in, but I can't. And that weight that had been sitting on my chest seems have lifted with each word. I feel like I can breathe without it on my chest anymore.

I hear nothing on the other line. I know he's there…I mean I think I know. Would he hang up on me? Fuck. I don't want to lost him as my friend but I don't know if we really are the best thing for each other. At least not as anything more than best friends, soul mates maybe but nothing further…

"Michael?" I try, my heart stops as I wait for a reply. I don't get one. Instead I hear more breathes and something else. He clears his throat. Minutes seem to pass as hours. My body can't keep still as I wait for a reply, a word, a sound…something.

"Yeah Blake, I get it." His voice is almost steady, but there's a tiny tremble that I just manage to pick up on. And then suddenly the phone hangs up. He hung up on me. And suddenly I feel more alone than I had in a very long time…

Michael just stared at the phone. Emotions and thoughts were racing through him but his entire body was a statue. It was unfeeling at the moment. Nothing could possibly cross his face with causing permanent damage. If he thought for a second about it…that would be it. He would never recover.

Without thinking he took out the recording app that had been running on his phone again. He stared at the phone, then to his bed side which had a picture of Blake and him from when they were kids. Lies. All of it was one big lie. Any hope Michael ever had was shattered and he couldn't even bear to feel it. It would be bone crushingly hard that Michael might just stop…stop everything.

He scrolled through his contacts until he found the all button. Robotically he hit the send button and that was it. But now there was nothing to gain. Just everything to feel eventually, whenever Michael thought he might survive it.


	54. Chapter 53

I look over my shoulder. The cashier, a dumpy girl I recognized from school, was distracted with a customer. I peeked at the ten feet between me and freedom. I twirled the lipstick in my hand. If I ran…I'd probably make it. This was not the right occasion to wear heels. But then again I could probably still do. Not my first time at this rodeo.

I took an innocent step forward and ended up by a rack by the door. I pretended to drop something so I could look behind me. The cashier's face was hidden by a curtain of oily blonde hair. I'd probably have to help her later. That hair was just a tragedy that needed assistance, along with the rest of her. She turns for a second and I take my chance. I slip out of the store with a smug face until suddenly…

**Beep! Beep! Beep!**

_Shit!_

I turn and see the entire store turn to me. I give and awkward smile. I look desperately and see another girl has left at the same time as me. Desperate times.

"Seriously? Shoplifting?" I accuse. The store manager comes to us and I make eyes to the girl. "The nerve of some people," I cross my arms and take a few cautious steps back out of the store. The clerk looks at me and then back at the woman giving me an odd glare. I glare back until I scare her off. As soon as I've backed out the store I'm ready to bolt.

Three, two…

"Hey you!" A voice cries to my left. I turn and see an overweight man in a security uniform come running in my direction.

_Aw Shit…_

I turn and bolt to my right down the street. More cries call from behind me but I don't look back. I dodge people left and right. I hop over leash of a dog being walked. I brush through people until I finally turn a corner into an alley and duck behind a dumpster. I hear footsteps clatter and more cries after me but they start to fade.

My heart pounds against my chest like a drum. Adrenaline burning through my veins as the excitement is still flowing through my body. I smile to myself as I pick myself up and lean against the wall as I apply my prize. Bubble gum red is the name, how does that even make sense? Whatever, I apply it anyway.

Suddenly my phone rings. I fumble through my jacket pockets until I find it and see Michael's caller ID. Damn I'm still in shock over him and Blake. I mean him and Blake, who saw that coming? But the thought of them together wa hot. I mean just from experience I knew Blake was something extra and Michael's cute face, damn it still gets me going. Whew, I still need to fan myself now and then.

I hit the answer and put it too my ear.

"Hey Michael." I greet but he doesn't respond. Instead I hear Blake's voice.

_"I just worry about you sometimes Michael. I don't want anything to happen to you, okay?" _Blake says sounding am I listening to? I check to see it's actually Michael on my ID.

There's a pause before Michael responds speaks. _"Yeah I get it." _He sounds…odd, like he's hurt. But I'm still totally lost. What is this? What did Michael send me? A conversation? Why? _"I just…with all the stuff that happened, it was hard to get over it alright."_ Michael continues.

_"Yeah,"_ Suddenly there's silence. Neither speaks but I'm dying to hear more. What the hell is happening? Did he finally get the balls to get Blake? Not that I didn't love Nellie but let's just be honest here Nellie was just a bit…eh.

_"So are we over what happened between us?"_ Blake speaks again. I hold my breath waiting for an answer but Michael is silent. Come on boy say it! Say you love him! Come on you wuss!

"Come on! Say it!" I find myself cheering, but I catch myself and shake off the awkward feeling. Obviously neither can hear me but you know positive vibes might get them.

_"Michael? You still there?" _Blake continues and my heart begins to break from the wait. Would he say it? Please Michael do something right for once.

_"Yeah," _He laughs for second._ "Yeah I'm here,"_ Come on…I fidget as I keep hoping to hear Michael confession. Why else would he send me this?

_"Good," _Blake says, I can practically hear him grinning against the phone. I smile to myself as I just imagine them together…whew still too hot to think of right now.

_"What do you think Blake? Do you think it's over? Is it behind us?"_ Michael asks. Dammit Blake, so help me if you screw this up…

_"I um…_ _I don't know. I mean I do, possibly. I know something but whatever happened between us…_ _I think it might be over. I think maybe…I don't know. There's just a lot there right now. I don't know if we're the best thing for each other."_ Blake finally answers and I sigh. Oh Blake…Oh Michael…Dammit what's wrong with these two? Someone needs to slap some sense into them.

_"Michael?" _Blake says, his voice vulnerable and soft. My heart suddenly breaks for the two. I keep willing for one of them to just confess to the other that what they really want is each other but those two idiots are too stupid to say it. Crap.

_"Yeah Blake, I get it." _Michael's voice falters at the end. Then suddenly the phone hangs up and then mine does as well. Wait WHAT! That's it! What the…What? No, no that's not it! Seriously!

I scroll through my phone until I find Blake's number. I'm gonna give that boy a piece of my mind. Then I'm gonna slap the shit out of Michael. It's rings a few times until suddenly Blake's mom answers.

"Hello?" she asks but something's wrong. It sounds like she's been crying. What the heck? Why?

"Mrs. Jenner?" I ask cautiously. What happened? Why is she crying? And more importantly why is she answering Blake's phone?

"Oh, hi Aylin, Blake can't come to the phone right now we're having a bit of a family thing. I'm sorry." She says and I hear something crash on the other end of the phone.

"Oh okay tell Blake-" the phone suddenly hangs up though. What the hell is going on?

I continue to scroll through my phone until I find Michael's number. It's rings for a while before he picks up.

"Hi Aylin," Michael answers, strangely stoic.

"I need to see you, now."

Why the hell does he want to meet here? I look around the forest awkwardly. This was definitely not the right place for heels. Why the hell was Michael in the middle of the fucking woods? I continue up the trail none the less until I finally see a big old boxcar sticking out in the middle of the woods.

I hear something shift inside the car. Instantly I go on alert and fumble through my pockets. "Hello!" I cry towards the car. I jump when I hear another creak. "I have pepper spray!" I continue to search. If I could fucking find it I'm gonna mace the shit out of them. Crap, where the hell did I put it.

"Aylin?" Michael's calm voice penetrates the silence. I let out a breath as my body relaxes. Thank god, not a murderer, just an idiot. I climb onto the edge of the train car and see Michael sitting precariously over the edge with a six pack by his side. Three bottles already empty next to him.

"You, I have a few choice words for you." I say trying to build up my anger. "First off nature boy, why the hell are we in the forest? Where did you get that beer? And what the hell was this?" I point anxiously at my phone. I was still dying on the inside to know what the hell was happening between them.

Michael slowly peeks back at me and gives a small shrug. He nurses a beer in his hand before taking a small sip. I sigh, idiot or not he was still hurting and I couldn't help but want to comfort him.

"Okay Mr. Grumpy, mind telling me what happened?" I ask as I take a seat beside him over the edge. I can't help but be mesmerized by the beautiful portrait in front of me. It looks so…green yet somehow almost magical with the afternoon sky burning over it, giving everything a nice crisp glow.

Michael hands me a beer. I smile as I snap off the lid and take a tiny sip. Still tastes like ass but I can feel the edge of a buzz coming. I sip again careful not to take too much too fast. "Are you okay?" I try again. Michael looks down at the view and suddenly that drop makes me nervous. Was Michael…he wouldn't do that. But then again with what just happened. I edge closer so I could drag him back in an instant if necessary.

"I'm sorry Aylin. I fucked up." Michael says quietly. I smirk and nudge his arm.

"Hey, it's not the end of the world alright. Look you and Blake…I still think it'll happen." I say hopefully. Michael just frowns at my lap. I sigh again and take another sip, if you can't beat them join them.

"What exactly is this though? Why did you send it to me?" I ask holding out my phone. Michael faces pales as he takes another long chug.

"I didn't…" he says softly.

"What?" I ask but suddenly my phone comes to life. I look and see I've missed a shit ton of texts. I scroll through but my heart stops when I read some.

Shannie Bear: Did you get Michael's txt!? Omg what's going on!

Charlie Brown: the secrets out! michael told everyone! call me! ps love you :)

Lils: Holy Sh*t what happened between blake and michael! Calllll meee!

Nellie: What's going on with blake and michael? Is there something going on!

There are countless others with the exact same message.

_Oh shit_

I look to Michael with a helpless face. But he just looks on to my phone with a stony expression. I want to be mad, I want to break his neck for this…but I can't blame him. Love makes us all a bit crazy…and those two were definitely deep in it.

"It'll be fine." I lie, more to calm myself than him. I don't think it does much.

_Well this escalated quickly._

I take another sip of my beer, mentally preparing for the shit storm to come.


	55. Chapter 54

I hate ties. I mean of course I know what to do with the tie but it was so frustrating to tie it. And come on why did I even have to wear a stupid flipping tie to this damned dinner? It's not like they even really want me there. Not anymore at least.

I sigh as I try to fix my knotted tie in the mirror. I fumble aimlessly but I can't seem to make it right. I try and try until suddenly I feel the anger inside me explode and I tear the tie off my neck and throw it to the ground.

But now something inside feels broken. I stare at myself in the mirror. I can't even recognize myself anymore. But then again that's what the marks on my face said. That bruise under my eye still rang with a loud story of how much of a disappointment I am. Or maybe the cut on my lip that said how sinful I am. And what about that stupid fucking mark on my ear that still yelled about how dead I am to her. I want to throw up.

But I bite my lip. I hold back everything inside me. One day I'll probably snap but not today. At least not yet. I look down at my tie. Sure it may be aggravating but…I love that tie. I mean at least I thought I did. I thought…but then it had to go and ruin everything. It had to go and destroy everything. Now all I am is just…a shell on the inside. And that was just there and…I can't hold it in anymore okay. I just can't, I feel like everything is falling apart and there's nothing I can do now.

That feeling of hopelessness is just too much alright. Michael had to blow everything up alright. First he had to give me that damned message. When I heard him and Nellie talking I didn't understand what was going on but then when they said that…that they had they…fuck. Why did they never tell me? Why did they have to…I couldn't shake the betrayed feeling that was sucking onto my soul. I mean I know, I know that they did it when we weren't together but why didn't they tell me?

_Stupid inner turmoil_

There were so many questions. And why did he have to tell everyone? EVERYONE. He told everyone. And now everyone knows. They know. And if any of their reactions were worse than my mother's…how did Michael even have her number? I mean fuck was he fucking retarded? I suppress the sudden urge to throw my tie through the paper shredder. Instead I decide to pull out a clip on and get ready to head downstairs.

_It'll be fine…_

_ S_uddenly a ringing erupts throughout the room. I dive for my phone and smother it. It still vibrates but at least the ringing dimmed. My mom thought she had my phone, little did she know, I stole it back. I'd probably get some hell for it later but I could barely leave the house any other way. I peek down to see Shanna's face on the caller Id. My heart drops for a second. I can't say a little part of me wasn't hoping that maybe he would have called by now. Not that I would have forgiven his stupid face but…forget it.

I hit the answer and hiss, "Not now Shanna."

"Blake wait!" she shrieks keeping me on.

"What do you want?" I sigh. I never really got a chance to hash anything out with Shanna and honestly if she did say anything bad I'll probably die inside. I stopped caring what other people think…but if someone like Shanna could hate me then that would just suck.

"Please Blake, I just needed to talk to you. Come to your window." I look up and see Shanna waving at me next to her bug. I face palm, if my mom saw her…aw crap.

"Shanna get off my lawn. My mom will get to you if she sees you." I warn.

"Pfft, I ain't scared of your mother Blake." Shanna says bravely. I'm still sure she'd probably run chicken if she saw her.

"Your funeral. Now why are you here?"

"The end of the year party? I'm dragging your sorry butt out of this depressing place. I'm rescuing you!" Shanna explains with a little happy dance. I groan as it starts to come back. Abraham's damn party we've had every year since 9th grade.

"I'm kind of on lock down if you haven't noticed." I inform her but she just tsks me.

"I have that covered. Meet me at the back door in sixty seconds." Shanna says before hanging up. I peek down to see if she does anything. Why should I even go to the stupid party anyway? I'll just be sulking for most of it.

I see Shanna leave the car and disappear under my porch. What the hell is she doing? I take off my jacket and shirt and slip on a plain red t shirt. I fumble for pants until I just throw some over my shoulder and grab some shoes.

I slip silently out of my room and tread stealthily downstairs. But I guess I'm a crappy ninja because the second I hit the last step my mom appears behind me. When she taps my shoulder I nearly hit the ceiling.

"Where do you think you're going?" She asks calmly.

"Uh…" I start not sure where to take it. Thankfully though the doorbell chimes. My mom looks warily at me before reluctantly going to the door. I take my chance though and start stepping backwards toward the back door.

In a few seconds I would just sprint for the back door. _Four, three, two…Oof_

I stumble and nearly trip as I run into my dad standing between me and freedom. He gives me an odd look before looking off the front door, then back at me. I give him a hopeful look. He bites his looks and seems to contemplate…finally he nods towards the back door and then walks off to the front. Thank god for my dad. He was the only one in this house I could still stand anymore.

As I leave I hear Shanna and my mom talking a little from the front.

"I think it's a tiny bit unreasonable to not let Blake see anyone."

"Thank you for your input Shanna but I think I know how to raise my son." I hear her try to slam the door but Shanna must stop it with her foot because she squeals a little at the slam.

"Maybe but really Blake is a good guy. He's caring and kind and generous to his friends. He's a good kid Mrs. Jenner, I wish you would just see that and not let this blind you." Shanna argues.

"Thank you Shanna but I don't need your help." I recognize the commanding tone in my mother's voice. She's not asking anymore for Shanna to leave. She's ordering her to leave. I take my chance and open the back door but it betrays me by squeaking throughout the house. I freeze.

"What was that? Blake?" My mom calls.

"I didn't hear anything." Shanna tries but I hear my mother's footsteps come clanging in my direction. "Run Blake!" Shanna finally cries and I hear the front door slam. _Shit. _I sprint slamming the door behind me. I leap off the porch steps and start in the direction of Shanna's bug around the corner. I hear the door open and my mother call after me but I don't stop running. Adrenaline pumping through my veins I move faster closing the distance. I plan to open the door but I guess the universe doesn't like me today. It's locked so I ending up going face first against the window. I fall to the ground and I'm blinded as I rub my head. I moan awkwardly from my position.

"What the hell are you doing on the ground! Get up you idiot!" Shanna cries as I hear the doors unlock.

"Dammit," I moan as I try to reach up for a door handle. I manage to look back and see my mother's dragon figure only ten feet away. Aw fuck. My body reacts and I'm instantly in the car and click the lock. She bangs against the car, pulling hard against the locked door.

"Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" I cry desperately to Shanna. I look out the window and mouth, I'm sorry, up to my mom. I flinch as she gives one last hit against the window. The car finally roars to life and Shanna floors it. As we sail down the road I look back and see my mom and dad standing together giving me two looks. One of praise and one of pure unadulterated conviction. Guess who's which.

I sigh as I hit my head against the rest. I would be crucified tomorrow, but tonight I intend to live one last time.


	56. Chapter 55

Shanna's car, true to its nature, pulls to a jerky stop. My head spins as it slams against the head rest again. I look out the window to see Abraham's just down the road. A knot churned in my stomach as I looked at the people loitering around the edges of the house. The sun was just starting to set and still the house was near capacity. All of them will be there. Everyone knows now…what will they think? Panic starts to flood through me. I flash a look to Shanna who gives me an encouraging smirk.

"Calm down Blake. Jesus you're like a puppy dog." She soothed, patting me on the head. I sighed as I could feel myself calming some. If Shanna, one of the most important people in my life could accept me then maybe others would too.

"Thanks." I mutter before taking another long breath as I glance back at the house.

"Blake it won't be that bad. I doubt anybody will really care." I look back to Shanna with a newfound fear. But what if they do? Can I handle people knowing? The thought of people knowing about me and my personal life, about my feelings made me want to squirm.

"But how do you know?" I ask. A familiar smile, that smile that seems to always lighten my mood, inches across her face.

"You know what Blake, for once I think you need to take a play from Michael. Fuck everyone." Shanna says with a fierce sort of conviction.

I laugh, "Jeeze Shanna, language." She smirks before sticking her tongue out.

"Special circumstances. And you know what Blake, if anyone gives you crap tell me and I'll make sure they never say another word about anyone." Shanna grins again, I laugh thinking of little Shanna being a fierce fighter. But the message, that Shanna really would stand by me just made my insides…a weird sort of tingly.

"You know I love you right?" I ask pulling her in for a hug.

She sighs into my neck, "Was there ever any doubt? Now come on, let's go party it up!"

I laugh as Shanna does a little dance as she exits. But the thought of entering the house reenters my mind. I try to push the dread away but it still lingers at the back edges. Regardless I force myself out of the car, Shanna walks giddily toward the house but I trail behind, my speed about equivalent to a snail's.

When it's taken me nearly a two minutes to move about a quarter to the house Shanna seems to notice and comes barreling back to me. "Come on slowpoke!" She teases a few times as she makes a real effort to bring me to the party. I don't resist, but I don't exactly cooperate either.

On the way we pass several people who glance off at us. Some brisk, however a few glances last until they're almost glares. Although to be fair with Shanna literally pushing me forward, it might be a tad bit of an attention getter. But still with every one of those glances I can't help but wonder if they know. Do they look threatening? Accepting? Or maybe I'm just a paranoid weirdo.

Finally we manage to reach the door. No need to ring the doorbell as the front door is wide open with the music vibrating out the door. I stagger for a bit as I contemplate how hard it is the bob and weave my way through the crowd of teens, most of who I don't have any idea of who the hell they are. Do they even go to our school? Knowing Abraham probably not. I try to hold onto Shanna so we don't get separated. She complies, hooking her elbow against my arm like an anchor for me to lean on. I still can't help but try to see everyone's reactions. I have noticed a lot more glances since I've entered. Although thankfully none have made any actually advances. But the real problem was with the people I actually knew. I was looking for my friends, hoping to gauge some of their reactions…even if any were bad I needed to know.

"Blake?" A faint voice penetrates the music. My head pops up as I search wildly for the caller. I don't see anyone familiar hanging around here. My hopes drop some, I can't exactly say I wasn't hoping that someone I know might come up to me. But I'm still being paranoid.

Shanna and I manage to weave our way out the back door and onto the patio. I finally feel like I can breathe as I relax against the door. Shanna rests next to me, she leans over and hands me a cold one. I sigh as I take a nice long chug. Alright, well at least this could be worse. At least no one had made a stink about it.

Suddenly Shanna seems to seize up. "Come on Blake let's go back inside." She hooks my arm and nearly drags me to the door. I halt my feet and turn to see what made Shanna flip out.

"What's wrong! Hold on, stop dragging me." She tugs uselessly against me. And then suddenly I see it. Right by the edge of the house I saw a cluster of my "friends". Aylin and Charlie barely hid him but right there standing by the edge was Michael.

My heart stopped as I saw him. I hadn't seen him…in what felt like forever. He was lazily sipping a beer as he relaxed against the wall. Aylin and Charlie seemed to be trying to cheer him up, but he seemed to have a blank expression glued to his face. And right then he chose to look around and guess what he found me, staring at him. Quickly I avert my eyes and try to act natural.

"I'm sorry," Shanna says with an hand on my arm.

"It's fine Shanna. He can do whatever he wants. He's not my problem anymore." I say softly. She gives me a sympathetic look before glancing off in their direction again.

"Hold on," Shanna orders me before storming off in their direction.

_Aw fuck._


	57. Chapter 56

"He probably won't come," Michael states plainly. Charlie glances over at Aylin looking for some guidance on what to say next. She sighs, Michael really screwed it up. Not only for him though, he pretty much bombed Blake's life too, or at least his home life, and that's only through rumors heard. Truthfully Aylin hadn't really seen Blake in person since the day the messages went out. After that Blake feel off the face of the Earth and the rumors started to swell.

"It's the end of the year party. He comes every year. He'll be here." Aylin pushes. It helped that she had just a little bit of assurance from Shanna. Aylin knew that this had to go down soon, and no better time like the present. Blake had tried to have ended it but with Michael opening that can of worms maybe something could come of it. It was a hope at least. And if Michael didn't get some hope in him soon he'd go farther into that dark abyss he's currently at. Aylin practically had to haul his ass just to get him to come.

All to do now was wait and hopefully not have Michael get hammered. Which was kind of a difficult task considering he couldn't seem to be without some liquor. Aylin quickly stole Michael's red cup and chugged it down hard. Immediately though it burned her mouth. Regardless she pounded it until it was just the cup then handed it back to Michael who gave her an odd look.

"Come on it's a party!" Aylin threw her hands up. Although neither Charlie nor Michael seemed to be in the peppy mood. She'd deal with Charlie later, right now it was time to focus. If the plan was going somewhat in the right direction then hopefully Shanna and Blake should be here any-

"Look," Charlie nudged her in the direction of the back door. And thank GOD standing there was Shanna and Blake. Blake looking like a lost puppy, he looked like he just wanted to hide. Aylin turned to tell Michael but no need, he was already staring right at Blake. Michael's expression still blank as a sheet.

"I need a drink." He stated evenly as he moved to leave. Aylin stepped in his path.

"Wow, slow your roll tiger. I'll get you one." She gave Charlie one last glance and nodded toward Michael. Charlie gave a slight nod and a wink as he seemed to strike up a conversation about next year. It would have to keep him occupied. Shanna was already strutting toward Aylin, leaving Blake alone as a wallflower, poor guy.

Aylin took that as a sign to meet her near the middle and then duck with her behind a porch swing. "Well?" Shanna asks expectantly.

_Crap_

Aylin tries to think. Quite honestly getting to this point was hard enough, trying to actually push the two together was going to be another feat entirely. She eyes Blake looking like a longer still on the porch, then there's Michael who's still being distracted by Charlie. What are the options? Both girls eluded of a solution.

"Alright it's simple we just need to get them alone somehow." Aylin states the obvious. Thinking aloud was always one of her good skills.

"So what we just shove them in a closet together?" Shanna laughs but sadly that's the smartest idea they have right now. Worth a shot.

"Shanna you genius," Aylin squeezes her and then continues to think of a good hiding spot for the boys.

"I was kidding Aylin. I don't know if that will actually do any good." Shanna explains quickly.

"Too bad that's all we've got right now. Now think of somewhere to shove them." Aylin puts her hand to her chin in contemplation. All the smart people do it so it should work for them. Unless the fates really are against some Blake and Michael action, and as it goes it seemed to be headed that way.

"Hey bitches," Abraham, true to his nature, popped behind Aylin, nearly causing her heart to stop in the process.

"Shit, hey Abraham." Aylin greets a hug, maneuvering to avoid the foaming cup in his hand.

"Actually Abraham, could you help us with something?" Shanna asks with a devilish grin.

People pass by every now and then. Most give me a once over before heading back to the party. This is the problem with being known and then this stupid coming out thing. Why did people have to have their stupid opinions on the matter? Good or bad why do they have to be there? It makes me want to retreat into a dark corner.

Every so often a girl with give me sultry grin, and a glance in Michael's direction before looking back to me as if she was mentally picturing us together. No doubt most of them are. What's with girls and being turned on by two guys…doing the dirty? I mean I guess it works the same with guys being turned on by two girls, but I guess being on the end of it just makes me feel really exposed, and also sort of slutty. Like I have a power but I'm not exactly sure how to wield it to my advantage. I wish I were still talking to Michael, he'd probably have an answer.

_Where the hell is Shanna?_

After those last few thorough glances by some girls and how they don't fail to make me feel like an animal on display, I could really use a beer. Why the hell did she even bring me to just ditch me anyways?

"Blake?" A timid voice asks from behind. Instantly I have that urge to go die in a hole all over again. I take a deep gulp before turning to face Nellie. She looks good, well better than the last time I had seen her. The somewhat 'talk' hadn't exactly gone well on either of us. Very soon after she got the message I was placed under house arrest by my Satan of a mother. She wasn't exactly up for me seeing anyone. She figured Nellie was somehow enabling my behavior with Michael, like she was acting like a beard or something. Yeah, my mom's kind of bat shit crazy like that sometimes. I had just barely managed to convince her not to send me to a "Gay to Straight" camp. All in all I hadn't seen or spoken to Nellie, and there was no closure between us. This was one of the things I was scared of happening.

"Hey, Nellie" I manage to just make audibly, as I take an interest in the floor.

"Look Blake it…I don't want it to be awkward between us okay? I just want to talk a little about ugh, interesting phone message I got." Nellie plainly stated giving me a hopeful look. I could help but give her a small grin as I wrapped a hand around her and pulled her in for lengthy hug.

"Yeah," I remark when I finally pull away, "That'd be good."

"Alright. So um, I'm just gonna assume that you are…friends of Elton?" Nellie asked with a high ending, leaving it more open then I'd like. I took along gulp before forcing my head to nod.

"Something like that," I reply a tad bit uneasily. Saying it out loud is somehow still hard but I can feel it getting easier to admit.

"Okay, and Blake you don't have to worry. I won't…flip out or anything about it." Nellie promises, coming as a shock to me.

"Really?" I question, "Honestly I saw this," I motion between us, "and this conversation going kind of differently." Nellie laugh, and I do as well even if I'm not amused. I need to relieve the stress that's built in my chest over the last week.

"At first I was sort of, weirded out but honestly it sort of makes sense. Why you were so weird around each other at the beginning of the year. Why you two would always act so strange around each other all year long. And why Michael was sort of antsy for no one to know about our, past." My fists clench as I remember that tiny detail that has been itching me all along. I have to bite my cheek to try and rid myself of that edgy feeling.

"Ye-yeah" I manage to say, with no small edge in my voice. "I guess we weren't very good at hiding it."

"Well you two were almost a couple anyways, might as well have started dating. But just listen Blake I need to know one thing. Out of our relationship did you…love Michael?" My blood runs cold, but at the same time a fire prickles the butterflies in my stomach. I know the answer, I just wonder if she'll be hurt when I say it.

"I think I've always loved him." I say truthfully, I can feel my feelings growing. I try to bury them as fast as possible.

Nellie nods, "I thought as much."

"But just to be clear, where does that leave us? After all of this?"

"I think you already know what _you_ want, it doesn't really matter what I want." She says, emphasizing the you. I groan. I knew she was gonna say that, but it doesn't stop my wanting to just quash those feelings and move on. "Look I think I'll leave you to your thoughts, but I really do think that'll all work out for the best." She leaves me with that little nugget of wisdom before escaping back into the house. And this is why I hate girls. They always have to push for the gay guys.

_Crap._

I can feel my stupid, horny, loving feelings coming back to bite me in the ass. I peek back over to where Michael was except now he's gone. I sigh as my heart deflates slightly. Now where the heck was Shanna?

"Blake!" A hand clasps my shoulder, nearly making me jump to the ceiling.

"Shit," I curse automatically and spin to face Abraham giving me a very wide, annoyingly knowing grin. "Hey Abraham," I smile and hope he won't bring it up. I don't exactly expect Abraham to have any problems in that particular area. He was always the most…open minded, person I know.

"Blake! Blake, Blake, Blake, Blake…I can't say I'm surprised. Not that I exactly saw this," his makes a show of going over me, "chasing the D, but you and little old Michael," he sighs making me want to groan. "So cute,"

"Um, thank you?" I try. Abraham slips an arm around my shoulder and starts to steer me toward the door leading to the house.

"You do know Blake that I support you entirely right? I mean come on man, you can tell me anything." No I can't, but I don't say that aloud.

"Yeah I know buddy," I answer as he starts up the stair never letting his arm drop from my side.

"And you know Michael, bless his soul, is still sort of torn up by what you did." Abraham continues.

"Yeah I got that," even if I didn't want to admit that. "Where are we going?" I finally ask as we reach upstairs and the smell of freshly lit pot fills the air. So pungent I almost start a coughing fit. Abraham takes a long whiff of the aroma before moving on until we stand outside the door of a room.

"We are done. But I left something for you in there." Abraham makes a suggestive wink before making a V and bringing it to his lips. I can't tell if he means a blunt or a vagina. I smile and nod regardless before opening the door to an empty guest room largely untouched by the party. It's somehow quieter in there, almost like you didn't know there was a party all around you. I step in and try to find something of use. The instant I do though the door slams behind me with a click. I turn the knob but it sticks, it's locked.

"Abraham!" I call pounding against the locked door. "This isn't funny! Let me out!" I pound harder. I refrain from breaking it down, yet.

"Sorry can't hear you!" a muffled voice comes from the other side.

"You're a bitch!" I call before giving one last pound and turning back towards the room to see what the hell I've walked into. My heart leaps as I lay eyes on him standing in a corner of the room, giving me a small wave.

"Hey," Michael greets.


	58. Chapter 57

AN: Okay so I know I haven't really said much while writing this story, and I apologize for that. However I do feel like it is fair warning to tell you that this is the last chapter of the story o.O yeah, it has been a very good ride writing it,thank you all for your positive feedback. It really has made it worth it to write this whole story, so I hope you enjoy the last chapter. Bye guys.

A caged animal, backed into a corner its basic instincts will take over. The instincts make it go into a fight or flight reaction where it either gets to live…or die. Some people perish under this kind of stress…but others, others thrive.

Me I'm not one of those people. Under stress I fail and right now words would fail me. Looking at Michael, the boy I have come to know, love even, looking at him staring at me in this confined space, this was the most stressful situation I had ever experienced.

My breathing faltered, as I tried to put on a calm demeanor. It doesn't work out to well. I can see Michael calculating me from afar. He can see right through me and any type of mask I attempt to hold. This is both a good and bad thing for me. Bad because he can see how vulnerable I am right now. Good because he can see how vulnerable I am right now. He understands how off I am right now, how just all out broken I am right now. I know I must seem like a mopey baby crying about my issue right now but I can't help what I feel, and at the very least I know Michael more or less understands me. He may not agree with me or anything I have to say, but at the very least he understands where I come from. Or at least that's what I can hope.

"Blake?" Michael asks tentatively. I blink a few times, realizing that I never responded to his greeting.

"Sorry, I'm…I don't know. Hi." I mumble awkwardly. Michael chuckles at just how flustered I've become. I sigh realizing where this is heading. Where all this is headed. This was planned. It was planned by those bitches outside to make Michael and I confront one another or rather my confronting Michael if he were in on this…I don't know, the point is they are manipulative bastards. And they are right in their own god damn superior way.

"So…" I try but fail to come to anything useful. I just tread forward on my own little death march. I become shaky as it does hit me that this is probably the deciding moment in everything now. Whether Michael and I will ever be anything more to each other than what we are now, ever again.

Suddenly I'm overcome with jitters. A terrible dread punches my stomach. Instantly I'm turned, barging at the door. I throw my weight against it but it does nothing to the lock.

_I could break it, _I decide and prepare myself to knock this door, knock this whole wall down if necessary. But then a hand clasps my shoulder. It's like the nerves divulge out of my body through that hand. Everything bottled inside me subsides for a moment and I realize how stupid I almost was. I let my fear take over and nearly took out a door in my idiotic attempt to escape the situation that was really for the best of me. I really need to see someone about my commitment issues.

"Blake," Michael says tugging me away from the door. I let myself be dragged, following easily until Michael sits me on the bed. I stare at the floor just left of Michael. I avoid his face at all costs. I don't want to see how much of an idiot he must think I am after nearly pulling a stunt like that.

"I'm sorry." I finally whisper at the ground. Michael just sighs as he stands in front of me. He doesn't push, hasn't even nudged at me at this point, yet he's still pulling words out of me. God I'm pathetic.

"It's okay alright. I know it's been hard on you recently." Michael comforts. I grin, thinking of what my mom must think right now. She's probably sitting at home praying for my immortal soul. Somehow it's comforting and disturbing at the same time.

"It's not even that." I start, "I knew it would be like this alright. After that stupid message of ours got around and to her…I knew it would be hard. But somehow it still blindsided me how hurt she was. How much she was…disgusted by me." I feel tears well in my eyes thinking of my mother, the woman who gave me life, actually hating me for something I can't control.

"It's fucked up alright. But it happens to a lot of people and they get through it. You will too." Michael promises, resting a somewhat reassuring arm on my shoulder again.

"No," I whisper, feeling those tears start to drip now, "It's not alright. It sucks shit. I hate her. I hate her so much for it. I wish she were gone so that I didn't feel so guilty. I wish I were gone so she didn't have to deal with me. I want so much to not be like this so I don't have to bother her with it. I hate it all. I hate being fucking gay!" I finally explode. By now the tears stream down my face. I wipe my face, getting more and more frustrated as Michael watches. He has to see me being a whiney ass baby about this. It sucks.

"Blake." Michael tries but I shove him off. Michael doesn't take that lightly. He grips my shoulders with all his strength, definitely leaving some bruises. "Blake!" Michael yells at me, drawing my attention. I finally look up to see Michael stern yet sympathetic look. I hold back my tears as tightly as possible.

"You know the worst part?" I ask quietly. Michael shakes his head. "I don't hate her for it. I still love her just as much as normal. I just hate that she hates me for it. I don't hate being gay. I don't hate it at all. I…love it, because I love you so much from it. I can't even explain how much I feel right now." I blabber on feeling the weight of the world evaporate from my chest finally. "I love you so much okay…I'm just scared. Scared of everything you bring with it. But I also love it, because you are…" I feel a sob choke me, but I try my best to hold it in. I need to say this to make him understand. Soft tears still stream down my face. "You are the best thing to ever happen to me." He just stares at me with a stoic face for a second. My heart seizes as I feel the most vulnerable a person ever could. All at once his face melts into the most vulnerable I had ever, **_ever_**, seen Michael.

He tries to hold it in but I can see him failing to hold anything. All of a sudden a single tear falls down his face. He brushes it instantly, still trying to hold it all together. I pull him into my chest for a hug. At this point I don't need a lover in Michael, I realize something that I've missed and the thing I've really craved for a while now. I missed my best friend. He clasps my back and buries his face into my shoulder. I feel the moist tears stain my shirt. I gently rub his back. I squeeze my eyes shut. Michael has been strong long enough now. It was my turn to carry his burden.

"It's okay Michael." I whisper. "It'll be okay, we're gonna be okay."

"Can you hear anything?" Shanna whispers into my neck.

"Maybe if you'd shut up." Aylin growled back.

"No use. The door is sound proof." Abraham simply says from behind them. "I made sure myself." He said smugly with a grin.

Aylin rolled her eyes at this. "Well that's helpful." A flash of worry hit her as she glanced at the locked door. What if they didn't work it out. What if things only got fucked up even more? This would be mostly her fault. "Crap." She decided taking the blunt from Abraham and taking a long drag from it. A calming aura hit her, starting in her legs and climbing until it hit her brain giving a numb overall feeling. The worry was dulled at least.

Shanna sighed at both of them, still on her high horse about our little extracurricular activities. She glares at the blunt, obviously toying with the idea of taking it from us. Aylin can't decide if she wants to try herself or stop the thing.

A door clicking takes all of our attention as Michael and Blake walk out. But not only that, the small detail of their conjoined hands finally makes all her worry subside. She did good for once.

"Good talk?" Shanna tries, eyeing their hands as well. Aylin notices the red rims on Blake's eyes, he's obviously been crying. Well that can't be good.

"Yeah…It was good?" Michael answers. He looks back to Blake as though for confirmation. In answer Blake leans over and captures Michael's lips for a lingering kiss. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. It's been said and all, but actually seeing _that_ was just a little shocking.

"Yeah," Blake says, smiling down at Michael. "We're gonna go though, we have some things to do."

He leans over Aylin for a second, "Thank you." He whispers, and sends a small smile toward Shanna.

"Anytime, you crazy kids," Abraham answers for both of them, "Now get out there and go do naughty things." He calls giving some suggestive winks.

They both laugh and then take off downstairs. Aylin smiles to herself, and then to Shanna. Finally it was dealt with. Hopefully for good.


	59. Epilogue

_A/N: Okay so I know the story was done and all but I ended up writing this epilogue because I figured it needed a better ending than what it already had and honestly I really hope you like it, although it made me sad to write._

_A Year Later _

_ I used to think that my life fell into a simple thing my brother once told me, "Life sucks, you can try as hard as you can and accomplish nothing. The only thing you can count on in life is death." Very comforting words to a kid, but I grew quickly attached to these words. As time went on I began to believe that it was true. I almost lived by those words, trying to find some meaning to life before what I knew what was inevitable would come. For a while I went to a dark place, thinking that the world was just a cold, sullen place that would eventually just kill me. I can't say I never pushed the envelope, but somehow I came out mostly unscathed, just slightly dented. I remember the cold I used to feel every morning. It would chill my days, and darken my nights. I'm still terrified of those days._

_ But then he was there. Just the light that broke the cold, softened my heart, and brightened my days. Even before he meant anything more, he was the most special thing to me. He was my everything, and the only person who ever cared. We may have had our hard times, but somehow we came out on the other side with each other. And he promised me I'd never feel cold again._

_ For the past few months I lived in the ignorance of that promise. I trusted in the promises that kept me warm. I fell for the façade that was love. And I hate myself every day for it. Love is a lie, it's a mistress that can only last awhile. It'll lie and hold you hostage in its iron clad grip. _

_ Oh fuck trying to be poetic or shit. The point is I'm can already feel the cold again and I'm scared…_

"Michael?"

"Huh?" I shut the pen in the book, looking to my side. It's Blake, coming in from the bathroom.

"What's that?" he asks, stripping his towel. A familiar bare ass is all my eyes can focus on. My head as a fuzzy cloud drift in.

"It's uh…a uh" I try but my brain can't seem to think of even the truth. That perky little behind of his is too captivating. Blake bend over and my heart jumps at the new sight. It's not like I've never seen that ass before, just nostalgic I guess.

"You enjoying the view?" he teases with a laugh as he wiggles his butt.

I laugh at that. "It's a beauty. Come on." I pat the bed. He slowly, teasingly slips on undies and then a t-shirt. Finally he flops next to me onto his bed. I laugh at him lying face first into the pillow.

"You tired?" I ask, rubbing a hand over his back. I get a muffled moan in response. I lean over and put the journal into the book shelf. I lean back down facing him. I rub my hand through his now shorter locks. "Did I say I love your haircut?" He reaches out to give me slight smack on the cheek. I laugh, catching the hand after the swing and kissing the knuckles. I rub as tenderly as possible along his arm.

He brings his head out and smiles up at me. "I believe it was you who begged me to cut it in the first place." I smile to myself, I lean over to peck his lips. He closes his eyes, he seems so tired.

"What are we gonna do?" I finally ask. The question has been on both of our minds for the past few days, ever since that letter came in the mail. He sighs naturally. He's wanted to avoid it for as long as possible.

"Do we have to talk about it now?" He nearly begs, but I'm done with waiting.

"Yes." Another sigh, but he sits up resting against the headboard.

"You know I've always wanted to go there."

"I know that. It doesn't help though." I state. Already I can feel my heart strings tugging apart. Maybe talking wasn't a good idea.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love you," He says taking my hand in his. My insides shudder at his sad gaze, even if I don't show it.

"I love you too," I repeat, not sure how much it'll accomplish. "Don't go," I mumble, just loud enough for him to hear.

"You know I have to." He continues, sounding just as depressed as me. But that didn't seem possible. The idea of not seeing Blake was killing me, filling me with dark, foreboding dread that ate at my insides until I felt hollow, and bare.

"I know."

"I told you I would stay here." Blake tries to argue again but I can't let him. Following Blake to Rhode Island, is not something I can do right now. The money wasn't there right now. To let Blake not go to the school of his dreams would be the biggest regret of my life.

"You know you can't. I can't hold you back like that." I say, definite. Blake looks hurt.

"It's not like it's not for something I don't want. I want to be with you, so much, I want it more than I want to breathe." He gets up taking my other hand into his and looking me straight in the eyes. "You are…my best friend, and the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't think for a second that I want to be without you." He admits, on the edge of tears. Even I can feel tears welling after that profession.

I take a shuddered breath. "And if you want me to be happy, you need to go." I say slowly, "You need to go to that school, and become a doctor or whatever they make you at Brown." We both have a morbid laugh at that. Small lines now drip down his face. I wipe one while continuing, "And then when you're done out there, then you can come back for me. I'll always wait for you." I finish, but now it physically hurts to hold it back any longer. I feel tears start to stream. He wipes my face before taking me into a kiss. It's soft, easy, our way of telling each other we love each other. I clutch his body as close as possible, hoping that maybe I could just hang onto him forever.

We stay in each other's arms for a long time. I never want it to end though. To let go would be the final nail in the coffin that would seal our fates apart. Minutes pass, Blake still sniffles, I hold mine back. One of us has to be strong here, and if I started to cry it would encase me forever. Occasionally he kisses my neck, I return the favor but it's silent aside from that. Whenever my arms begin to hurt I clutch tighter. I hug tighter and tighter until I'm sure I'm hurting him but I can't stop myself. His touch has been holding me together, and to think it could all end in one swift motion.

"I love you, more than you'll ever know." Blake finally whispers as his grip mournfully loosens.

"I know," I let mine slug too. We're out of each other's grasps and I can already feel the cold. My only sunlight is fading, and the worst part is that I have to let it go.

"It's not the end though right?" Blake asks gingerly and he rubs my hand. Tears sting the ends of his words. I have a grim laugh.

"No, of course not," I answer easily. He gives me a sad smile that effectively melts my heart.

The night continues mostly in silent. We lay together, Blake cradling me from behind, his steady heartbeat thumping against my back. He lazily strokes my hair until he inevitably falls asleep with an arm around my waist. That's the only time the tears come through. They're silent, and cold but it's my only chance to let go. Even if it's for few seconds I don't have to be strong, I can just be the broken person I feel like on the inside.

_A little while later_

"You all set? Tooth brush? Jammies?" Dad goes through the list.

"Yes dad, I've been packed for days." I assure loading up the car. Finally out of the house, I had been waiting for this moment for my whole life.

"Just checking, don't want to be making any trips for your favorite stuffed animal." He jokes. I give a chuckle before playfully punching his arm. When the laughter is over though, it turns to a somber moment. My dad seems on the edge of tears for a second and the glistening my sight starts tells me I am as well. Before anyone can start crying he pulls me into a bear hug. I take it with an audible "oof".

"I love you dad," I manage to squeeze out despite his crushing my lungs.

"Love you too Blake," with one last bone crushing squeeze he releases me. I stagger but grin back at him. "I'm proud of you, you know that right?" I smile and nod, but I still feel a missing piece here. He seems to pick up on that with a sigh. "You know your mother loves you too. She's just…adjusting, she does care about you." My heart sinks a little at that, although I've already mostly come to terms with that. I'm just not used to having her presence being so sparse like it's been.

"I know tell her I love?" I ask. He smiles one of those tired smiles he's been doing lately. I guess I'm still to blame for those, too much stress on old self.

"I don't know if I need to do that," he smirks eyeing over my shoulder. I frown, turning to find my mother coming from aside the car. A weight eases from my chest as I see her actually smiling. Before I even realize it I take the strides to gather her into a hug my father just gave me. My heart floods with warmth with her touch, the touch I've been starved for, for so long. She strokes my hair planting a kiss on my cheek.

"Hi Blake," She whispers into my ear. I give another tight squeeze before releasing my grip and taking a step back.

"I thought you had to work today?" I ask my mind still reeling that she was here. We had been on polar opposites for so long, being so close is somewhat startling.

"I just…I didn't want to miss you going away," she says quietly. Tears are welling in her eyes, my heart dips at that. Seeing my mom cry, that would definitely send me over the edge right now. I gather up in my arms again, this time bringing her into my chest.

"I love you mom," I whisper into her hair. I blink as my eyes start glistening again.

"I love you too Blake, so much," she breathes into my chest. I take in the moment, as I know it'll be the last with her for a while. I try to remember the warmth of her in my arms, the smell of home coming off her, and those words that finally have me stop worrying.

It's a while before I even remember to breathe, and it's intoxicating. The lift from my chest makes every breath feel easier. I rest my head still trying to soak up the moment. Finally a noise from my dad draws our attention back. He taps my shoulder and nods toward the yard. I look over to find Michael glances over, looking horridly out of place. My heart flushes, and a grin itches my lips. I look back to my mom see a somewhat contempt look on her face as she eyes Michael. I suppose I can't expect the world in one day, although I guess it's better than her earlier reactions to Michael.

I take brisk steps, trying not to look too eager to get to him. I think I fail miserably as I manage to stumble over a root and rush right into Michael. He steadies me instantly and pulls me up, smirking at me. My face burns. I don't dare look back to my parents, although I pray my dad distracts my mom from this talk.

"Nice job klutz." Michael greets, taking my face in his hands and capturing a heart stopping kiss. My face burns hotter; I can feel eyes on my back. He takes me back for more, and my nearly melt. It's not soft, it's fierce. And I can immediately tell what it means. It's Michael's possessive kisses, it's him saying _stay._ No not saying, it's begging me. And I really want to listen. My entire body aches under Michael's touch, never wanting it to end. My heart cracks at the thought of just ending the kiss. I take Michael in my arms, clutching onto his back and cupping his. I try to give him my own best way of saying _I'll never leave you._

But suddenly Michael pulls me back. Suddenly my mouth feels horribly empty without him. My heart still thumps in my ears as I try to catch my breath. He stares into my eyes, giving me a sad look. A sad glisten to his eyes and quiver to his lips and suddenly I find that pang in my chest that can't hold anything more.

I open my mouth to say something but no words seem nearly enough to convey what I feel. All I feel is emptiness. Michael shakes his head before pulling me back into another tight hug. I rest my head against his shoulder. I squeeze my eyes shut because I know if I opened them I'd start crying, and I couldn't bear that right now. Instead I keep everything shut and just hold Michael, trying my best not to whimper.

I can almost feel Michael shaking beneath me. I stroke his back and whisper sweet nothings but it feels futile as I feel his face silently crying against my chest. I hold him; it's all I can do.

I don't know how long we stay like that. It feels like a lifetime. But the unnerving feeling of my parents having just watched me kiss my boyfriend and Michael having finally stopping having ragged breaths finally allowed me to release him, although I still captured his hand in mine.

I put on a weak smile as we walk back to my parents. I study their faces; my dad just wears a sad smirk, although it's my mother who does shock me. She just stares at us, and a sad smile is on her face as she leaves my dad's side to walk towards us. I pause as she stops in front of Michael –who has managed to recompose himself to his usual, more stoic nature. I watch, letting go of Michael's hand as he looks calmly to my mother. Some part of me braces for confrontation. But instead I'm taken aback by her hugging Michael. Initially he's stiff, he gives me a sideways look as if to say _What the hell do I do? _I shrug. He eventually slips into the hug, even hugging her back. I see her whisper something into his hear, he gives a little nod to whatever she said. Finally, they part and Michael returns to my side. I give him a questioning look about the whisper but he mouths _Later._

"Well we better hit the road soon Blake. Traffics gonna pick up." Dad calls taking my mother into a goodbye hug. My heart drops. Michael's face drops to the dirt. I can't speak, no words can form to express how I feel.

Instead Michael just takes me into another breathe takingly soft kiss. No passion, just raw emotion ran through us. And everything felt understood. All the words I could never say at least felt heard. We break the kiss, tilting our foreheads on each other's and for the first time, I actually cry. Michael keeps composure, but in the quietest whisper he says,

"Promise me…that you'll never forget me." My heart- already broken -simply says,

"I could never forget someone like you."


End file.
